Posted by
Message
HubbaBubba
LSU Fan
RIP - los angeles tiger
Member since Oct 2010
22715 posts

Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
This is a bit long, but bear with me. I met my wife 20 years ago. Not long after we met, she told me she had a son she'd given up for adoption twelve years before. She told me that she hoped someday he would reach out and find her, but she wasn't going to interfere with his childhood. Over the years, she would let me know that she hoped someday to meet him, but she would never do anything about it. We have two great kids of our own, and that helps.

Fast forward to my in-laws from out-of-state visiting for Christmas earlier this week. My MIL knows that I know about the adoption and she tells me that she knew who the adoptive parents were, and that she had approached them five years ago, when the boy would have been 27 years old, to find out if the boy (now a grown man) had any interest in meeting his birth mother, letting them know that my wife would be open to it. According to my MIL, they refused and said they wold not pass the info to him. I asked my MIL if she'd ever shared that info with my wife. She had.

So tonight, my wife and I were at dinner at a restaurant and I asked her about it. She said she had written a personal, heartfelt letter to the adoption mother, asking her to share with her son another letter from my wife that she had included. Both letters were returned unopened, and included a note to stay out of their lives. They never even notified him that his birth mother wanted to meet. She doesn't even know if they ever even told him that he was adopted.

So I told her that if she still wanted to meet him, I would help her and he would be 100% welcome in our life if he was open to it. She smiled and said great. So I asked her what she knew, and she told me she knew his first name, his parents name and the business they run. I asked if she'd ever looked to see if he was on Facebook or any other social media. She had but he wasn't there.

Here's where things fell apart. We were both sitting there, trying to be sleuths, to see if we could find him on our own, and she was going to reach out to him. We were using our phones and couldn't find anything, then I suggested his first name was short for his real name, so we tried different names, then suddenly we both found him within 30 seconds of each other, with me finding him first. I asked my wife for his birthday and where he was born. She told me and my heart sank. Then she looked up at me and burst out in tears crying.

We had both found his online obituary. He had died four weeks ago in a freak accident, leaving a wife and three kids. frick, that was a kick in the teeth. I got up out of my seat to try and comfort her. People around us got up to come ask if we were alright, and I thanked them and told the waiter to hold my check and that I'd come back and pay it tomorrow. I got my wife in the car and took her home. She took a sedative and is calm now.

Now she's feeling a lot of anger towards the adoptive parents, who didn't notify her. I know they didn't have to, but I can see my wife's point. They knew she wanted to meet him, and they they also deprived her of knowing about his death. I don't understand why someone would do that. Anyway, now my wife wants to reach out to her son's wife, and let her know, so that her children can know where they came from, and let the wife know that if she needs help, we can help.

I think she needs to let sleeping dogs lie still. Sure, it hurts to know a child you gave birth to has died, but maybe she needs to think on it a while before reacting.
This post was edited on 12/31 at 1:35 am


Lou Pai
Houston Astros Fan
Member since Dec 2014
15557 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Damn


Replies (0)
Replies (0)
590
AbitaFan08
LSU Fan
Boston, MA
Member since Apr 2008
13963 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Wow. Wow.

All I can say is my thoughts are with you and your wife.


Replies (0)
Replies (0)
683
King of New Orleans
LSU Fan
In front of The Hungry Tiger
Member since Jul 2011
9066 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
What an absolutely gut wrenching story. I don't know what to say. I am definitely praying for you and your wife.


Replies (0)
Replies (0)
511
tiggerthetooth
Houston Astros Fan
Big Momma's House
Member since Oct 2010
29540 posts
 Online 

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Wow. Some story there. Hope you and your wife hold strong.


Replies (0)
Replies (0)
110
lynxcat
Rutgers Fan
Member since Jan 2008
19146 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
I’m sorry for your loss. Agree that it is best not to rush into action.


Replies (0)
Replies (0)
300
TigernMS12
LSU Fan
Oxford, MS
Member since Jan 2013
4447 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
That is a sad story and it sucks, but she gave the child up for adoption. Two other people took on the role of parent to the child and they have every right to parent the child and make decisions regarding that relationship, even when the child reaches adulthood. She should honor the parents wishes to leave it alone.
This post was edited on 12/31 at 1:42 am


HubbaBubba
LSU Fan
RIP - los angeles tiger
Member since Oct 2010
22715 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
quote:


That is a sad story and it sucks, but she gave the child up for adoption. Two other people took on the role of parent to the child and they have every right to parent the child and make decisions regarding that relationship, even when the child reaches adulthood. She should honor the parents wishes to leave it alone.
You know, for most people, that may be the right way to look at it, and may still be right here, but she waited until he was a grown man to even consider making contact. His adoptive parents stood in the way, even though he should have been able to make his own decision.


TigersSEC2010
Plank Road
Member since Jan 2010
26555 posts
 Online 

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Holy shit


Replies (0)
Replies (0)
40
Beessnax
LSU Fan
Member since Nov 2015
2584 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
That's awful. I helped my wife find her birth parents. She's close with biological mother but the father rejected her. His loss because she is an amazing woman.

As I read your story I was hoping that your story would end up similarly. I think the adoptive parents were very wrong for denying your wife contact with him after he was an adult.

Adoptees always want to know, and they have a right to know who gave birth to them and what the circumstances were. It changed my wife from the better. No more unanswered questions. It didn't end in a picture perfect hallmark type scenario, but she knows the truth.

I would give the son's wife some time, but I would certainly try and contact her. Those are your wife's biological grandchildren. Who knows what the wife will do with it, but she needs to opportunity to make the decision.

It's a long process, be patient with your wife and let her make the decisions.


Langland
LSU Fan
Trumplandia
Member since Apr 2014
5131 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
quote:

I thanked them and told the waiter to hold my check and that I'd come back and pay it tomorrow.

That's an excellent technique for skipping out on a check.


quote:

I think she needs to let sleeping dogs lie still.

Yeah, I'm gonna side with the adoptive parents on this.


Replies (0)
Replies (0)
3227
TennesseeFan25
Tennessee Fan
Sacramento
Member since May 2016
5640 posts
 Online 

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
That's an awful story, and it really sucks she and y'all found out that way.

The child was very young when your wife had to give him up though. These people raised the child because your wife wasn't able to/etc. It seems incredibly selfish of her to try so hard to make contact with him in the first place.

What bond are they going to share? I birthed you, you're from me, but I just couldn't...

I just don't know man.


CroakaBait
Auburn Fan
Gulf Coast of the Land Mass
Member since Nov 2013
3432 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Really sorry to hear this. Do you think there’s a chance, given the adoptive parents continued defensiveness, that they never told him that he was adopted?

Eta—reread and saw where you mentioned this.
This post was edited on 12/31 at 2:09 am


HubbaBubba
LSU Fan
RIP - los angeles tiger
Member since Oct 2010
22715 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
quote:

Beessnax
Thanks, and awesome of you to be so supportive of your wife.


Replies (0)
Replies (0)
20
GeorgeTheGreek
Michigan State Fan
Sparta, Greece
Member since Mar 2008
49363 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Nothing you can say to your wife but...

"We live to play another day."
Image: https://thumbs.gfycat.com/ImpressionableInexperiencedGoldenretriever-max-1mb.gif


Volvagia
LSU Fan
Fort Worth
Member since Mar 2006
45365 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
quote:

They knew she wanted to meet him, and they they also deprived her of knowing about his death. I don't understand why someone would do that.


Lots of reasons, ranging from the spectrum of understandable but selfish, to kind.



They could have not wanted the drama and awkwardness of the chance of her wanting to go to the funeral.


Or it could have been more of the considered act.

If you are going to have a hardline stance to stay out of his life, no exceptions....well from that perspective don't you think it is rather cruel to attempt to drag you in with something as depressing and final as this?



Sorry for your wife's loss.


HubbaBubba
LSU Fan
RIP - los angeles tiger
Member since Oct 2010
22715 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
quote:

TennesseeFan25
Hey, I understand, but neither you nor I are able (I think) to feel a connection to someone that we gave birth to. I'll die never understanding what a woman thinks or feels, so I just try to be supportive, you know?


CHEDBALLZ
New Orleans Saints Fan
South Central LA
Member since Dec 2009
14545 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Wow thats crazy, man. Godspeed to you and the wife.


Replies (0)
Replies (0)
10
HubbaBubba
LSU Fan
RIP - los angeles tiger
Member since Oct 2010
22715 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
quote:


Really sorry to hear this. Do you think there’s a chance, given the adoptive parents continued defensiveness, that they never told him that he was adopted?
Yep.


Replies (0)
Replies (0)
60
Volvagia
LSU Fan
Fort Worth
Member since Mar 2006
45365 posts

re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
quote:

You know, for most people, that may be the right way to look at it, and may still be right here, but she waited until he was a grown man to even consider making contact. His adoptive parents stood in the way, even though he should have been able to make his own decision.


Problem with this: As you say, what if he doesn't even know he is adopted?

What if his parents spent the work of a lifetime to keep him from that. To keep him from being tormented at night wondering why his "real" mom didn't want him?

Or what if they did tell him, and there was so much pain there is the reason for the return of the unopened letters.

Its a very messy and fragile set of circumstances. Don't demonize the adoptive parents, no matter how easy it is now. You simply don't know the circumstances to judge them.


For all you know, if you had gotten your chance to corner the son, you might have found him violently angry with decades of repressed emotion surging at your wife.
This post was edited on 12/31 at 2:13 am


Jump to page
Page 1 2 3 4 5 ... 13
Jump to page
first pageprev pagePage 1 of 13next pagelast page

Back to top

logoFollow TigerDroppings for LSU Football News
Follow us on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram to get the latest updates on LSU Football and Recruiting.

FacebookTwitterInstagram