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re: Do you and your siblings generally agree on the quality of your childhood?
Posted on 9/23/25 at 10:54 pm to northshorebamaman
Posted on 9/23/25 at 10:54 pm to northshorebamaman
quote:
I agree. Anger is the default mode for too many people, and it was for me until my thirties, when I realized that even justified anger is self-defeating, and rage over things beyond my control is self-destructive. We all come from circumstances we didn’t choose, some far worse than others, but I learned to control my own anger. I did this through physical activity, distancing myself from toxic team politics and internet rage-bait cycles, and recognizing that my current unhappiness stemmed from choices I had made, and wasn't the fault of "others."
Yup, and being angry is so easy. Happiness sometimes requires a small effort.
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Posted on 9/23/25 at 10:56 pm to Monahans
quote:
I appreciate you posting that stuff. Thts a hard life yall have lived.
I broke the cycle. But not before failing two grades and requiring summer school every year. I missed over 30 days of school every year. I studdered feared having talk or worse yet read out loud in front of the class. The teasing meant lots of fights, many of which I didn't win.
My saving grace... I was an athlete and not ugly as some. I found myself after getting into UF four years after HS.
Posted on 9/23/25 at 11:09 pm to VolunGator
quote:Three of the most successful people, by any measure, that I know (I'm sure I know more but three jumped into my head as I read your post) came from very difficult circumstances. Most people are burned by fire but some people are forged. Much respect.
I broke the cycle. But not before failing two grades and requiring summer school every year. I missed over 30 days of school every year. I studdered feared having talk or worse yet read out loud in front of the class. The teasing meant lots of fights, many of which I didn't win.
My saving grace... I was an athlete and not ugly as some. I found myself after getting into UF four years after HS.
Posted on 9/23/25 at 11:26 pm to northshorebamaman
quote:
Most people are burned by fire but some people are forged. Much respect.
“An alcoholic abusive father has two sons. The first son becomes an alcoholic abusive father. When asked why, he says because my dad was an alcoholic and abusive father and that’s what I saw. The second son becomes very successful. When asked why, he says because my dad was an alcoholic abusive father and that’s what I saw”
I think a lot about how much of a person is inside them. Things like resiliency, motivation and intelligence feels like genetic gifts. Have I achieved the things I have only because I worked hard or am I wired a little differently and had less internal hurdles to overcome
Posted on 9/23/25 at 11:29 pm to SidewalkTiger
My little brother(my only full sibling) and I agree our childhood was OK. Step parents and favoritism to half siblings abounded, but we stuck close.
I harbor a lot of regrets about how I treated him though. I gave him endless shite about the most trivial shite. I remember one morning giving him shite about the camo he chose for a hunting trip. Stupid shite like that. Thats just one example out of probably hundreds that I was condescending to him. Cool part is, we’re still best friends. I just see my oldest son being a great big brother and it reminds me of the times I missed the mark and acted like a shite head. I don’t think that stuff even registers with my little brother, but I remember it.
I harbor a lot of regrets about how I treated him though. I gave him endless shite about the most trivial shite. I remember one morning giving him shite about the camo he chose for a hunting trip. Stupid shite like that. Thats just one example out of probably hundreds that I was condescending to him. Cool part is, we’re still best friends. I just see my oldest son being a great big brother and it reminds me of the times I missed the mark and acted like a shite head. I don’t think that stuff even registers with my little brother, but I remember it.
This post was edited on 9/23/25 at 11:35 pm
Posted on 9/23/25 at 11:31 pm to SidewalkTiger
Once my mom left my sperm donor who threw her threw a plate glass window naked and married my real father YES! Three tout Vietnam vet in the infantry, quit smoking on the spot and would give the shirt off his back for any of us. He was the best man I will ever know and I fall short of his example. My sisters would agree with everything I have said.
This post was edited on 9/23/25 at 11:53 pm
Posted on 9/23/25 at 11:47 pm to SidewalkTiger
My sisters had it easier than me by a large amount. My brother and me got raised with an iron fist by our father. My dad had a softer touch with my sisters in every way. My brother and I see our childhood as generally ok. My sisters always complain about how difficult it was for them, lol.
This post was edited on 9/23/25 at 11:49 pm
Posted on 9/23/25 at 11:48 pm to SidewalkTiger
Nope, we do not agree
Posted on 9/23/25 at 11:50 pm to SidewalkTiger
quote:Yes. One person’s strict but loving parents is another person’s suffocating abuse.
Is it pretty common to have this wide of a range of opinion in the experiences of growing up in the same situation?
Posted on 9/23/25 at 11:52 pm to VolunGator
quote:
I broke the cycle. But not before failing two grades and requiring summer school every year. I missed over 30 days of school every year. I studdered feared having talk or worse yet read out loud in front of the class. The teasing meant lots of fights, many of which I didn't win.
My saving grace... I was an athlete and not ugly as some. I found myself after getting into UF four years after HS.
Thats what make this cfb stuff fun, these schools mean a lot to our lives. Cheers.
Posted on 9/24/25 at 12:07 am to SidewalkTiger
My sisters are six and eight years younger than me. The middle sister is solidly Gen X in mentality, "who GAF, what do we do next?" The youngest (1985) is caught up in current gen shite for the anxious generation.
We all got the same parenting, and the youngest ended up being the squishy outlier (all in our 40s). Middle had to go through some shite, but ended up with a very Gen X attitude after working for CPS.
Adam Carolla has twins in College. His son is meh, it's fine. His daughter soaks in all the trauma BS from TikTok and seems to internalize it. Same parents, same house (until the divorce), and they're different.
Unless someone was actually abused, move on. Some people are softer than others, some respond to certain kinds of feedback (in the same family) etc. Neither of my sisters get how damaging my mother was, because she left my sisters in mid puberty to go f off in third world countries and do interesting things, leaving them with a dad doing the best he could. That's not normal, and conveyed a pretty bad message to them in their formative teens.
But again, it doesn't matter. It's reality, and you can choose to dwell on it, or STFU and drive on. You can't change the past, or the opinions of others on "their" past. It took me into well into my late 30s to understand how damaging what was done to my sisters actually was on an emotional level. Your traumatized sister is probably looking for excuses and labels, and can't grok that your parents did the best they thought they could (aberrant behavior aside, if any.)
We all got the same parenting, and the youngest ended up being the squishy outlier (all in our 40s). Middle had to go through some shite, but ended up with a very Gen X attitude after working for CPS.
Adam Carolla has twins in College. His son is meh, it's fine. His daughter soaks in all the trauma BS from TikTok and seems to internalize it. Same parents, same house (until the divorce), and they're different.
Unless someone was actually abused, move on. Some people are softer than others, some respond to certain kinds of feedback (in the same family) etc. Neither of my sisters get how damaging my mother was, because she left my sisters in mid puberty to go f off in third world countries and do interesting things, leaving them with a dad doing the best he could. That's not normal, and conveyed a pretty bad message to them in their formative teens.
But again, it doesn't matter. It's reality, and you can choose to dwell on it, or STFU and drive on. You can't change the past, or the opinions of others on "their" past. It took me into well into my late 30s to understand how damaging what was done to my sisters actually was on an emotional level. Your traumatized sister is probably looking for excuses and labels, and can't grok that your parents did the best they thought they could (aberrant behavior aside, if any.)
Posted on 9/24/25 at 4:49 am to SidewalkTiger
I have asked myself the same question over the years. Try searching "siblings cope with trauma differently" if you haven't already. It helped me understand the dynamics.
It appears to be quite common and tracks with the degree of dysfunction and abuse.
I have two younger siblings. I was like a mother figure to them even though just a few years older. We grew up in the 70s, teen parents and we experienced every type of abuse you can imagine on top of neglect, poverty, food and housing insecurity. Lots of violence, drugs, divorce, remarriages, moving, and all three of us dropped out of school before high school. We moved so much, and many times didn't have a place to live.
We all survived somehow. But it hasn't been pretty. I eventually went to college got an undergrad degree and then earned a professional degree, other sibling eventually became a teacher, the other one has been barely hanging on.
Given the above history you would think we would agree on our "childhoods" but we don't. The two of them have Stockholm Syndrome to one degree or another. I didn't diagnose them. One of my siblings came right out and told me she believes that is why they differ in opinion regarding our childhood. I had never even heard that term before, but it does seem to fit them. But our situation is extreme. Not every family's is.
The best I can recommend is to try and maintain your relationship with your siblings and respect their feelings and opinions about it. The fraught relationship I have with my siblings is just another gift that keeps giving from my parents. Our abusive mother died recently and that opened up a ton of old and new wounds.
As another poster related above, I also broke the cycle of abuse and my children who never met my parents, are in their 20s and successful and have no clue what that type of abuse, poverty or neglect looks like. But in many ways breaking the cycle also broke me physically and in other ways. I don't fit in anywhere. I never will.
It appears to be quite common and tracks with the degree of dysfunction and abuse.
I have two younger siblings. I was like a mother figure to them even though just a few years older. We grew up in the 70s, teen parents and we experienced every type of abuse you can imagine on top of neglect, poverty, food and housing insecurity. Lots of violence, drugs, divorce, remarriages, moving, and all three of us dropped out of school before high school. We moved so much, and many times didn't have a place to live.
We all survived somehow. But it hasn't been pretty. I eventually went to college got an undergrad degree and then earned a professional degree, other sibling eventually became a teacher, the other one has been barely hanging on.
Given the above history you would think we would agree on our "childhoods" but we don't. The two of them have Stockholm Syndrome to one degree or another. I didn't diagnose them. One of my siblings came right out and told me she believes that is why they differ in opinion regarding our childhood. I had never even heard that term before, but it does seem to fit them. But our situation is extreme. Not every family's is.
The best I can recommend is to try and maintain your relationship with your siblings and respect their feelings and opinions about it. The fraught relationship I have with my siblings is just another gift that keeps giving from my parents. Our abusive mother died recently and that opened up a ton of old and new wounds.
As another poster related above, I also broke the cycle of abuse and my children who never met my parents, are in their 20s and successful and have no clue what that type of abuse, poverty or neglect looks like. But in many ways breaking the cycle also broke me physically and in other ways. I don't fit in anywhere. I never will.
Posted on 9/24/25 at 5:05 am to SidewalkTiger
Mid 30’s and an only child so nobody to compare it to
Although my mom and I do talk about this occasionally
But my upbringing was very strict with my mom being good cop and my dad being bad cop who was incredibly verbally abusive to me my entire life killing my self esteem and confidence. Something k struggle with to this day. And he’s oblivious to how much anguish he’s put me through by telling me I’m worthless my entire life
And it’s why I don’t have much to do with him.
Although my mom and I do talk about this occasionally
But my upbringing was very strict with my mom being good cop and my dad being bad cop who was incredibly verbally abusive to me my entire life killing my self esteem and confidence. Something k struggle with to this day. And he’s oblivious to how much anguish he’s put me through by telling me I’m worthless my entire life
And it’s why I don’t have much to do with him.
This post was edited on 9/24/25 at 5:06 am
Posted on 9/24/25 at 7:04 am to SidewalkTiger
quote:
and she now has "trauma".
Did y'all get beat with extension cords or punched in the face? If not, her “trauma” is likely an excuse.
Posted on 9/24/25 at 7:08 am to SidewalkTiger
I have a boomer older sister and a gen X younger sister like I am. Older sister thinks she had it tough and we somehow owe her for that. Especially after my folks died. She didn't give her kids the money she as supposed to either.
Posted on 9/24/25 at 7:16 am to SidewalkTiger
We all agree we grew up poor white trash on a dirt road.
Posted on 9/24/25 at 7:47 am to SidewalkTiger
We talked some about it before he passed (we were in our 20s then). We both agreed it was pretty awful. He wasn’t abused physically as much as I was but he was there for a good chunk of it.
Posted on 9/24/25 at 7:48 am to SidewalkTiger
3 out of 4 of us believe we had a fantastic childhood with great parents. The other is a pathetic alcoholic and thinks he was abused. Just him. Not the rest of us. He makes up stories that are completely untrue to continue his pity party. Fortunately we don't see him very much. However, about once a year he goes to a really dark place and wants to tell everyone how they ruined his life.
Posted on 9/24/25 at 8:59 am to terriblegreen
My younger brother and I are gen x and grew up in a two parent family in the 70's and 80's in a middle middle class household. My dad was a teacher and my mom was a home maker when we were little so we had a mom at home during the formative years. After we got older dad went to work in a plant to make more money, and then became a Landman which he did very successfully until he retired. My mom went to work at the middle school we attended.
Our parents had their struggles, and we were aware of them, but they never fought in front of us. And they did their best to give us a great childhood.
At least that's the way I see it. But my brother and I are polar opposites and although we've never discussed it, I'd bet that he feels differently.
He was born with a chip on his shoulder, and saw the world as if everyone and everything was out to get him. And nothing was ever his fault.
He's gone on to live a tough life, suffering from stupid choices he's made.
I've led a more traditional middle class life, but not perfect. Nothing is.
For me, childhood was growing up in Central, playing in the woods behind our house, roaming the bayous and fields, and being feral 80's kids. It was awesome.
Our parents had their struggles, and we were aware of them, but they never fought in front of us. And they did their best to give us a great childhood.
At least that's the way I see it. But my brother and I are polar opposites and although we've never discussed it, I'd bet that he feels differently.
He was born with a chip on his shoulder, and saw the world as if everyone and everything was out to get him. And nothing was ever his fault.
He's gone on to live a tough life, suffering from stupid choices he's made.
I've led a more traditional middle class life, but not perfect. Nothing is.
For me, childhood was growing up in Central, playing in the woods behind our house, roaming the bayous and fields, and being feral 80's kids. It was awesome.
Posted on 9/24/25 at 9:04 am to SidewalkTiger
I’ll just say NO and leave it at that.
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