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re: Being There For A Parent That Abandoned You And Has Been A Source Of Pain Your Entire Life
Posted on 5/15/18 at 8:49 pm to sleepytime
Posted on 5/15/18 at 8:49 pm to sleepytime
quote:
can promise you one thing, you will definitely not have any regrets by talking to her while there’s a good chance you will have some regrets if you ignore her.
Real nice platitude you offered up, but it doesn’t apply to every one.
As far as other folks family situations, you don’t know shite about shite.
My mother is absolutely toxic. But I’ve had a lifetime to build up a callous and learn to deal with her.
I wouldn’t get involved with a situation like the OP described because my wife and daughter are too sweet and innocent to be exposed to her madness.
2
Posted on 5/15/18 at 8:49 pm to castorinho
quote:
I think it's easy for the people on the outside to say frick that bitch.
I think that's what I'd say, but I'm not as convinced as most of you guys are.
Maybe she's still playing games. Maybe it would be a disaster. But once she's gone, you'll never have another chance to reconcile. Never is a long time. It's not about her, it's doing what you have to do to have some peace of mind about it.
My SO is estranged from her brother for what I consider to be very good reasons. She doesn't expect to ever see him again. But if she found out he were on his deathbed, I think she would go.
Posted on 5/15/18 at 8:51 pm to SlowFlowPro
quote:
watch someone in that situation die and you learn that everyone deserves some sort of respect in that moment
at the least, to allow them a chance to seek redemption and apologize
it's just the decent thing to do for any human
Respect and decency doesn't really fit with close family.
I'd say the large, large majority of the time when a child decides that they will "be there for a parent that does not deserve it" it's because the child is trying to fill a void that still exists...even if he/she doesn't admit or realize it.
Posted on 5/15/18 at 8:51 pm to umop_apisdn
quote:
Live your life, make the most of it for you and be the best person you could always be for your kids, do twice as much for them to help them have more than anyone else could ever have, need or want for their own good and to heal your history and troubles.
This right here. When people ask about how I felt. I always tell them I had a great life. I wanted for nothing thanks to my mom. And as far as my dad goes the best lesson he ever taught me is how to be a father by doing almost the exact opposite of what he did and was. Can’t live life regretting the past and thinking what might have been. Don’t concentrate on what you don’t have but realizing what you do.
Posted on 5/15/18 at 8:55 pm to baldona
quote:
I don't think very many people die wanting to be alone and without anyone supporting them. So I think its almost impossible to say that someone in that situation truly had a change of heart outside of their emotions from a looming death.
Given that, I'm not sure continuing to abandon a direct relative says a lot about someone personally no matter what they were put through by them.
A direct relative? Just because someone is a blood relative doesn't mean they are family.
My immediate family isn't that close. My dad passed away when I was 19, my mom started "dating" someone within weeks after he passed. At a certain point she picked him and his family over her three kids. I am the youngest, my brother and sister are actually my half siblings. I see them both a few times a year and I actually see the both of them more than they see each other.
While things are better now, it's not really "family". I have a group of friends who have been there for me and vice versa since we have first known each other. I consider them family more than anything..
If a parent up and decides they don't want to be a parent anymore because they want to enjoy life and they up and leave their kids and then they get to a point where they have no one else to turn to so they call their kids. That person doesn't deserve to have their kids come back in their life.
I know some people think that isn't the "right thing" to do, but when you have kids you have to take responsibility. To up and leave them doesn't do anything good for them, it leaves them with scars that will stay with them forever.
You don't get to leave your kids and then expect them to be there for you whenever you decide you need them. They should not have to be put in that situation. But I know what I would do if I were in that situation. I'll be there for the people who were there for me throughout my life, that's who deserves my time and energy, not some selfish bitch, who happened to give birth to me... Then up and leaves.
Posted on 5/15/18 at 8:56 pm to liz18lsu
quote:
BS, my dad adopted me, HE is my "kin". I would never disrespect the man who raised me to find my spermdonor
The man who raised them is dead, so they wouldn't be disrespecting him.
Posted on 5/15/18 at 8:58 pm to OweO
quote:well you know i dont believe a word of this crap
. I have a group of friends who have been there for me and vice versa since we have first known each other. I consider them family more than anything..
but for the most part im glad you shared
damn good post chris
Posted on 5/15/18 at 9:03 pm to LuckyTiger
Very difficult situation...I have to say I am currently facing a hard situation regarding both of my parents at this point. Father was an alcoholic my whole life in and out of my life and did numerous sketchy shite ( my mom always took him back and chased after him). Our relationship was at least ok on speaking terms and now my sister dropped a bombshell 2 years ago on me that he was sexually inappropriate with her for months 30 years ago when she was 12 years old. The difficult part is she claims that my mom knew about the whole thing and told her never to speak about it to anyone. I confronted my mom about this and she denies it by saying “I don’t know”. My father admitted that something happened and I haven’t spoken to him since I got the news ( I don’t plan on talking with him). Lastly, my mom is stIll with my dad acting like nothing ever happened and my sister even has moved on like no big deal. I just can’t get over this or think that I should. Haven’t spoken to my mom in months because of it...sorry for the rant just has been on my mind a lot...
Posted on 5/15/18 at 9:04 pm to Jim Rockford
quote:
Maybe she's still playing games. Maybe it would be a disaster. But once she's gone, you'll never have another chance to reconcile. Never is a long time. It's not about her, it's doing what you have to do to have some peace of mind about it.
Again, all depends on the person and circumstances. I disconnected completely from my now deceased biological father and my peace of mind is better for it. Situations are unique and no advice fits all.
Posted on 5/15/18 at 9:06 pm to GatorPA84
quote:thats some rough shite
GatorPA84
thanks for sharing
Posted on 5/15/18 at 9:06 pm to SlowFlowPro
Exactly.
I’m not going to go out of my way to reform a relationship with her, but I also wouldn’t want to harbor the same amount of hate towards her in her last moments. It would make me no better a person if I didn’t at least make amends with her. Because in the end she is your mom and she did carry you around and into this world for 9 months. Without her you aren’t where you are, and no matter what there is no one else in this world that could say the same.
That said it isn’t something that I would be able to easily forgive. It would be tough but the tougher thing would be living in regret knowing I never said goodbye.
As for the OP as a friend of the family I would stay out of the situation and let it go it’s own way. It’s going to be tough either way for the brother and the sister. The most they will need is your support.
I’m not going to go out of my way to reform a relationship with her, but I also wouldn’t want to harbor the same amount of hate towards her in her last moments. It would make me no better a person if I didn’t at least make amends with her. Because in the end she is your mom and she did carry you around and into this world for 9 months. Without her you aren’t where you are, and no matter what there is no one else in this world that could say the same.
That said it isn’t something that I would be able to easily forgive. It would be tough but the tougher thing would be living in regret knowing I never said goodbye.
As for the OP as a friend of the family I would stay out of the situation and let it go it’s own way. It’s going to be tough either way for the brother and the sister. The most they will need is your support.
Posted on 5/15/18 at 9:13 pm to CrimsonTideMD
quote:
As far as other folks family situations, you don’t know shite about shite.
I think this is the silent credo of every child of abuse, because we do spend our entire lives hearing platitudes that in no way bear any relation to life as we lived it
Posted on 5/15/18 at 9:21 pm to LuckyTiger
This is fricked up on multiple levels.
Posted on 5/15/18 at 9:23 pm to LuckyTiger
I don't think there is a wrong answer
I would have blocked her along time ago so wouldn't know her life was going tits up.
I would have blocked her along time ago so wouldn't know her life was going tits up.
Posted on 5/15/18 at 9:46 pm to GatorPA84
quote:
Haven’t spoken to my mom in months because of it...sorry for the rant just has been on my mind a lot...
Man, I can't even imagine having to sort that out in my mind. Fact is, you need to find a way or it could really frick you up long-term. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it, but I would probably seek some counseling.
Posted on 5/15/18 at 9:49 pm to Spankum
Yeah I moved cross country because of it but I definitely need to get some counciling and guidance soon.
Posted on 5/15/18 at 10:47 pm to LuckyTiger
No chance I'd talk to her
Posted on 5/15/18 at 11:00 pm to LuckyTiger
Realizing that my mother knowingly abandoned me to be raised by a man that wasn't my father is unforgivable. That my inner circle was made up of 'family' that I did not share behavioral/health traits with, could have been a confusing environment. And she did not care. At All.
Nope.
I would be sociable, but would not forsake one moment of time with my spouse or kids to tend to her needs
Nope.
I would be sociable, but would not forsake one moment of time with my spouse or kids to tend to her needs
Posted on 5/15/18 at 11:16 pm to RobbBobb
If the daughter wants to have a relationship with her dying mom, then it's really no ones business and you have to wish her luck. I think many on here would ignore the mom at the hour of her death. People march to different drums.
Posted on 5/15/18 at 11:19 pm to LuckyTiger
quote:
What would you do?
I'd be bitter as shite and tell her to go to hell
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