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Started By
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re: Anyone got any good jokes?
Posted on 1/12/24 at 9:43 am to Minden tiger
Posted on 1/12/24 at 9:43 am to Minden tiger
0
Posted on 1/12/24 at 9:44 am to Minden tiger
Man goes into a bar and the bartender puts on the bar a man about 12 inches playing a tiny piano. Intrigued the man asks the bartender where he got the tiny man playing the tiny piano and the bartender replied that he found a bottle that had a genie in it and when he rubbed the bottle, the genie popped out and gave him one wish. The man asked if he could use the genie in the bottle and the bartender obliged. The man rubbed the bottle and the genie popped out. The genie told the man that he got one wish and the man asked for 1 Million bucks. The genie said, your wish is my command and poof, all over the bar were 1 million 12 inch deer. The genie disappeared and the man confused asked the bartender, hey man, is the genie hard of hearing and the bartender replied, you don't think that I wished for a 12 inch pianist do you!
Posted on 1/12/24 at 9:48 am to Minden tiger
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first guy says, “So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?”
The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first guy responds, “Sure and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”
The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1998.”
The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1998 my own self.”
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
The guy asks, “Why do you say that?”
“The O'Leary twins are drunk again.”
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first guy says, “So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?”
The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first guy responds, “Sure and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”
The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1998.”
The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1998 my own self.”
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
The guy asks, “Why do you say that?”
“The O'Leary twins are drunk again.”
Posted on 1/12/24 at 9:48 am to ThatTahoeOverThere
“prátaí” is Gaelic for potatoes.
They still call them “praties” there in the West Country.
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer.
The bartender brings a beer and notices the parrot on his shoulder and says, "Hey that's really neat. Where did you get it?"
The parrot responds, "In the jungle, there's millions of them."
They still call them “praties” there in the West Country.
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer.
The bartender brings a beer and notices the parrot on his shoulder and says, "Hey that's really neat. Where did you get it?"
The parrot responds, "In the jungle, there's millions of them."
Posted on 1/12/24 at 9:48 am to Minden tiger
What do you call a gender neutral person who is lactose intolerant?
Non buy diary
Non buy diary
Posted on 1/12/24 at 9:49 am to ThatTahoeOverThere
quote:“prátaí” is Gaelic for potatoes.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None
They still call them “praties” there in the West Country.
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer.
The bartender brings a beer and notices the parrot on his shoulder and says, "Hey that's really neat. Where did you get it?"
The parrot responds, "In the jungle, there's millions of them."
Posted on 1/12/24 at 9:58 am to Minden tiger
Heard this one recently, not sure if it was from TD or Facebook. If TD I apologize for stealing a poster's joke.
A teacher is lecturing her 4th grade class, and says that humans are the only species that stutters.
Little Mary raises her hand and says, "I had a cat that stuttered."
The teacher, intrigued, asks Mary to tell the class more.
"Well, I was playing in my back yard with the cat. And next door was this mean old dog...and that dog, he saw my cat and made a run for the fence, and jumped it. Got into the yard. My cat saw the dog and said "FFFFF", "FFFFF", "FFFFF", and before she could say "frick", the dog ate her."
A teacher is lecturing her 4th grade class, and says that humans are the only species that stutters.
Little Mary raises her hand and says, "I had a cat that stuttered."
The teacher, intrigued, asks Mary to tell the class more.
"Well, I was playing in my back yard with the cat. And next door was this mean old dog...and that dog, he saw my cat and made a run for the fence, and jumped it. Got into the yard. My cat saw the dog and said "FFFFF", "FFFFF", "FFFFF", and before she could say "frick", the dog ate her."
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:08 am to OhioLSUfan
quote:
Non buy diary
Fail.
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:16 am to Minden tiger
quote:
Once upon a time in a little country church there was a preacher that was dismayed at the lack of enthusiasm of his congregation. To reinvigorate them, he decided to go fire and brimstone on them the next Sunday's. While working up his sermon on Elijah vs the 50, The old preacher thought that to add emphasis to his words, he needed some special effects to go along with them. Then it came to him. When he to to the part about God sending the fire down from heaven, he'd have one of the acolytes drop a match from the hole in the sanctuary roof.
So he called up the most trusted young lad and told him he had a special job for him. "Jimmy" he said, "During next Sunday's sermon, I'm going to need you to crawl up in the rafters in the roof above the congregation. When I speak the words 'And the the fire came down from heaven', I need you to light a match and drop it thru the hole up there." Jimmy was a little scared and skeptical because it was dark and dusty up there, but he agreed to do it.
So Sunday came and Johnny was in position. The old preacher was laying it on thick. Everyone was was paying attention and even a little uneasy at the fiery message being delivered. The more the congregation twitched, the louder and bolder the preacher got. Final he got to the part of the sermon about Elijah and very loudly the preacher exclaimed, "And the fire came down from Heaven!!"
And nothing happened.
So a little louder, the preacher said, "And the FIRE came down from Heaven!!"
Still nothing.
So at the top of his lungs, the old preacher yelled, "AND THE FIRE CAME DOWN FROM HEAVEN!!!!"
And from the rafters of the church you hear Johnny's voice yell back, "And a rat peed on the matches...."
I have to give everyone here the background on this joke and why I remember it close to 40 years after I originally heard it. Picture this. It's Easter weekend my family took a trip down to rural South Carolina to visit our grandparents. My mom and dad's parents lived about an hour from each other. We spent Saturday night with my dad's parents and were going to have Easter Sunday lunch with my mom's parents.
So we're on the backroads of SC in mom's green Buick Station wagon. It's a crystal clear day with blue skies. Dad driving with Mom up front, us 3 kids in the back. Since it was Easter, and we were missing church, my dad, who's a top flight jokester in his own regards, got the bright idea to find some country preacher on AM radio and subject us to it on the drive. We attended a pretty mellow Baptist church and I guess dad thought a fire and brimstone preacher would get under our skin.
Well after a min or so of digging around on the radio he tuned in a station right about the time where the preacher says, in character, "And the fire came down from heaven" the first time. Dad says, "Ah, here we go." I don't know how, but I'd recently heard the joke at school and as soon as the preacher said it the second time I knew what was coming and started busting out laughing. Nobody else in the car could figure out WHY I was laughing during a church service. Again, over the radio, "And the fire came down from Heaven..." A second later, when the punchline comes, in unison with the voice on the radio I exclaimed, "And the RAT peed on the matches".
My dad about drove off the road. Everyone in the car was in shock, except me. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life. I did get a fair amount of questioning from mom and dad about HOW I knew of such a joke, but didn't really get into trouble over it. Our family still talks about the incident to this day.
This post was edited on 1/12/24 at 10:18 am
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:20 am to Minden tiger
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fricked up."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fricked up."
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:22 am to ThatTahoeOverThere
quote:
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None
too soon.
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:22 am to LSURussian
quote:
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first guy says, “So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?”
The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first guy responds, “Sure and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”
The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1998.”
The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1998 my own self.”
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
The guy asks, “Why do you say that?”
“The O'Leary twins are drunk again.”
Oh I like this one.
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:30 am to Minden tiger
geeky Dad joke.
Never believe an atom. They make up everything.
Never believe an atom. They make up everything.
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:35 am to Minden tiger
I told my wife the other day that I had a thing for Beyoncé.
She said, ”whatever floats your boat.”
I said, “No, that’s buoyancy.”
She said, ”whatever floats your boat.”
I said, “No, that’s buoyancy.”
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:39 am to Minden tiger
Hillary Clinton went to the doctor and was told that she had gonorrhea. She immediately called Bill and said "You have given me gonorrhea. How could you be so careless?" Bill said "Who is this?"
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:47 am to Minden tiger
quote:
Anyone got any good jokes?
What rhymes with:
social distancing during Covid was completely made up and not based on science?
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:50 am to pwejr88
So a teenage boy goes into a confessional and says “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
From the other side of the partition, the voice of the priest comes back, “Is that you young Pat MacNamara?”
“Yes father.”
“And who was this girl you committed this sin with?”
“I cannot say father, I don’t want to sully her reputation.”
The priest asks “Was it Mary O’Reilly?”
“I cannot say father.”
“Was it Betsy Moignahan?”
“I won’t tell.”
“Was it Bridget McDowell?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Agnes O’Toole?”
“I will not say.”
“Kathy MacDougal?”
“I am sorry Father, but I refuse to speak her name.”
“Well son, it is admirable that you won’t say it, but I’m afraid you cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Go and sin no more.”
He leaves the confession and his buddy in the pew asks him “so what did you get?”
He says,
“4 months off and 5 good leads.”
From the other side of the partition, the voice of the priest comes back, “Is that you young Pat MacNamara?”
“Yes father.”
“And who was this girl you committed this sin with?”
“I cannot say father, I don’t want to sully her reputation.”
The priest asks “Was it Mary O’Reilly?”
“I cannot say father.”
“Was it Betsy Moignahan?”
“I won’t tell.”
“Was it Bridget McDowell?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Agnes O’Toole?”
“I will not say.”
“Kathy MacDougal?”
“I am sorry Father, but I refuse to speak her name.”
“Well son, it is admirable that you won’t say it, but I’m afraid you cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Go and sin no more.”
He leaves the confession and his buddy in the pew asks him “so what did you get?”
He says,
“4 months off and 5 good leads.”
This post was edited on 1/12/24 at 10:50 am
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:52 am to Minden tiger
What's worse than ants in your pants?
Your uncle
Your uncle
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:53 am to Deek
quote:
What's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncs in your trunks.
Posted on 1/12/24 at 10:56 am to Minden tiger
quote:
Anyone got any good jokes?
The United States Federal Government.
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