re: How often do you clean your family member’s grave?

Never, use to think I’d go all the time and thought it was weird to hear other people say they didn’t.

I’ve never been to my dads since the funeral

Definitely something you don’t really know how you’ll be about until it happens

Every time I go. My parents have perpetual care in a Municipal Cemetary so just cleaning the headstone is generally all that's needed. I put out flowers about twice a year. My two stepdaughters are buried in a rural family cemetery that is loosely "maintained" by a family member who lives close by. But it's small and I generally bring a mower, a rake and some roundup about once or twice a year. We probably go about 3 to 4 times a year and bring a couple of their kids (our grandkids) with us each time. It just helps and makes my wife feel so much better seeing everything neat and clean. My wife puts out new flowers each time. I put a concrete bench under a large oak tree next to the girls so we can sit and reflect and pray. For us it's cathartic. I do understand how others just can't do it. I was taught at a young age to do this out of respect for your loved ones. We do clean and change out flowers for other close relatives that are buried where my folks are. We will be buried next to my parents when those days come for me and my wife.

I don't clean them and don't visit them. They're dead, why would I go to some place someone dropped 30k in the ground? Never understood the fascination over graves and how upset people get when the cemetery finally removes their flowers or whatever junk y'all put on the graves.

I have never gone back to a grave site once the person is buried there

I will be going to my grandparents’ graves today. A relative that lives close by does the mowing and trimming for the common areas. We keep weeds trimmed and the stones and coping cleaned on our family’s area. I replace the flowers quarterly. Since I will be buried there, I take my kids regularly so they know what to do.

My other grandparents are in a larger cemetery with perpetual care so I just take flowers there.

My dad died 37 years ago, and I drive past the cemetery every day on my way to and from work. When my mom died last year in August ('21), after her funeral, I attempted to find his headstone to place one of the flower arrangements that had been sent for my mom. (Mom was cremated and not buried beside my dad - long story.) I was unable to find his marker, so I obviously didn't leave the flowers.

I wasn't raised to visit cemeteries, so neither were my daughters. It's just not something we do. For those who do make the visits, if it brings you comfort and peace, by all means, don't stop.

I respectfuly submit that I find my comfort and peace by remembering the times I spent with my mom, dad, and extended family. Other times, a cousin will say "remember when mom/dad said . . .?" Those lines are almost followed by laughter and feeling closer to that family member for the experiencess we shared.

Not visiting a person's grave doesn't make us bad, but it does make us different. And that's what makes the world interesting. To each, within reason, you do those things that help you get through each day, and I'll do the same.

We go as a family a couple times a year and clean my grandparents and I always stop by a couple of my buddies I've lost to clean theirs too.

The cemetery

In rural North LA (not sure about other areas) most Protestant cemeteries have a “Memorial Day,” on a set Sunday or Saturday each May — not to be confused with the actual Memorial Day holiday. Leading up to this, the cemetery is cleaned thoroughly by a contract caretaker and crew. The crew mows, weedeats, clears debris and fallen leaves, and fills in graves with extra dirt once they have “settled” throughout the year. On the cemetery memorial day in May families gather to put out flowers, visit and have a cemetery business meeting. In past times there would often a huge dinner on the grounds with dozens of families gathering, but sadly those numbers and customs have dwindled over the decades.

Personally, I put out flowers for everyone in our family plots at three cemeteries each May and I try to put out faux poinsettias at each grave in December, but I did miss a few this year. I make sure my mother’s flowers are always in season, 4-5 times a year, as well as both sets of my grandparents. I’m the historian of the family and I consider it a privilege to honor those who have gone before us. It’s something I was brought up to respect.