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re: What is your most embarrassing fart story?
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:33 pm to HailHailtoMichigan!
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:33 pm to HailHailtoMichigan!
Fall of 2012, right after Hurricane Isaac (this becomes relevant later). Between classes at LSU, I went to the Chipotle by the Northgate. Got my burrito, set it down on the table and went to the bathroom. I'm standing there pissing and decide I'm going to let a little fart rip. Saying the fart was little would be like saying Hannibal Lecter has an eating disorder. I proceeded to unleash a liquid battering ram of shite all down my shorts, shoes, the Chipotle bathroom floor, fricking everywhere.
I clean up as best I can and walk out of the bathroom cooler than a cucumber and tell my gf at the time, "pack up the burritos, we're leaving." She's frustrated, but I put my backpack on, drop the straps real low to cover my shitty arse khaki shorts and trudge all the way back to my car, doodoo squishing in my Sperry's the whole way.
Get into my car, start driving down Highland road headed home. Suddenly another wave comes over me and I'm trying to hold it back (kinda like when you're trying not to bust a nut) but I lose control after about 20 seconds, there's no hope. A tidal wave of liquid hot shite pours onto the driver seat of my car.
About that time I'm coming up on the Observatory Park on Highland. I whip in there as the third wave is rumbling, I run into the bushes/trees just in time to drop my pants (why even bother at that point, right?) and vacate my bowels again. By now, there's no reason to try and save my clothes. I leave my shorts, underwear, and shoes in the bushes, walk back through the shrubs to my car with nothing but a t-shirt on - twig and berries swinging for all the world to see. Finally I make it home after another 15 minutes of anguish, I feel a fourth (and I what I'm praying is a final) wave knocking on the door. I run inside, plop down on the toilet and rip the loudest, driest fart ever. No shite left in me.
After I shower, I remember that I had some fish at a restaurant the day before like an idiot. They had lost power during Isaac and apparently decided to serve their rotten arse food to customers. And to top it all off? I got poison ivy from the bushes I shite in, so I had to deal with that for the next few days as well. Oh and my car never smelled right again, every time I turned the seat heaters on it smelled like hot arse.
ETA: the class I ended up missing was Admiralty Law with Dean Sutherland. It was my day to be on call, but I explained the situation to him and he didn't count it against me. Shout out to Prof. Sutherland for being a true G.
I clean up as best I can and walk out of the bathroom cooler than a cucumber and tell my gf at the time, "pack up the burritos, we're leaving." She's frustrated, but I put my backpack on, drop the straps real low to cover my shitty arse khaki shorts and trudge all the way back to my car, doodoo squishing in my Sperry's the whole way.
Get into my car, start driving down Highland road headed home. Suddenly another wave comes over me and I'm trying to hold it back (kinda like when you're trying not to bust a nut) but I lose control after about 20 seconds, there's no hope. A tidal wave of liquid hot shite pours onto the driver seat of my car.
About that time I'm coming up on the Observatory Park on Highland. I whip in there as the third wave is rumbling, I run into the bushes/trees just in time to drop my pants (why even bother at that point, right?) and vacate my bowels again. By now, there's no reason to try and save my clothes. I leave my shorts, underwear, and shoes in the bushes, walk back through the shrubs to my car with nothing but a t-shirt on - twig and berries swinging for all the world to see. Finally I make it home after another 15 minutes of anguish, I feel a fourth (and I what I'm praying is a final) wave knocking on the door. I run inside, plop down on the toilet and rip the loudest, driest fart ever. No shite left in me.
After I shower, I remember that I had some fish at a restaurant the day before like an idiot. They had lost power during Isaac and apparently decided to serve their rotten arse food to customers. And to top it all off? I got poison ivy from the bushes I shite in, so I had to deal with that for the next few days as well. Oh and my car never smelled right again, every time I turned the seat heaters on it smelled like hot arse.
ETA: the class I ended up missing was Admiralty Law with Dean Sutherland. It was my day to be on call, but I explained the situation to him and he didn't count it against me. Shout out to Prof. Sutherland for being a true G.
This post was edited on 11/14/19 at 12:44 pm
5
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:33 pm to upgrayedd
quote:
Me and my step brother decided to tag team a job interview at a sporting goods store. We had it in the bag then he proceeded to rip a 12 second fart.
Captian kangaroos lab
This post was edited on 11/14/19 at 12:35 pm
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:35 pm to Boring
quote:
I run inside, plop down on the toilet and rip the loudest, driest fart ever. No shite left in me.
this all sounds like hell on earth but I can't stop laughing at this
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:38 pm to Boring
quote:
and tell my gf at the time, "pack up the burritos, we're leaving." She's frustrated, but I put my backpack on, drop the straps real low to cover my shitty arse khaki shorts and trudge all the way back to my car, doodoo squishing in my Sperry's the whole way.
Get into my car, start driving down Highland road headed home. Suddenly another wave comes over me and I'm trying to hold it back (kinda like when you're trying not to bust a nut) but I lose control after about 20 seconds, there's no hope. A tidal wave of liquid hot shite pours onto the driver seat of my car.
What's her reaction during all of this???
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:39 pm to Lawyered
quote:
farted while a girl was giving me a blowjob...
tried to hold it in as long as I could.
but to her credit, she kept on going
Oh my God, I have tears in my eyes from laughing at the mental image of this.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:40 pm to Boring
quote:
Boring
I had to stop reading this 4 separate times trying to hold back tears because I'm laughing so hard in my office.
You win.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:40 pm to whitetiger1234
Not embarrassing as I embrace my skill as the deliverer of silent death.
Some of you are also unfortunate to know what & where “Rebel Rags” is in Oxford.
It’s a clothing store in a metal building, very fancy by UM standards.
I have family members who did obviously something really, really wrong in a previous life and are now paying for it by being Ole Miss alumni.
I was inside Rebel Rags with them in a small corner area and I snuck out a highly reprehensible fart and then walked outside.
As each of them also bailed outside I asked them: “Are you ready?”
Some of you are also unfortunate to know what & where “Rebel Rags” is in Oxford.
It’s a clothing store in a metal building, very fancy by UM standards.
I have family members who did obviously something really, really wrong in a previous life and are now paying for it by being Ole Miss alumni.
I was inside Rebel Rags with them in a small corner area and I snuck out a highly reprehensible fart and then walked outside.
As each of them also bailed outside I asked them: “Are you ready?”
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:40 pm to SEClint
quote:
What's her reaction during all of this???
She had class over on main campus (I was at the law school), so she was not present for that part of it. When she got home though, I told her the entire sequence of events and explained why we would be driving her car for the foreseeable future.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:41 pm to whitetiger1234
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:43 pm to Dale Doubak
quote:
Dale Doubak
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:43 pm to Boring
quote:No fricking way I'd let you in my car after that
I told her the entire sequence of events and explained why we would be driving her car for the foreseeable future.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:45 pm to SEClint
quote:
What's her reaction during all of this???
And more importantly, did she finish her burrito on the way home?
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:45 pm to Boring
I am in tears at my desk after reading this. Someone is bound to come ask me what's so funny here in a minute.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:46 pm to Korkstand
quote:
No fricking way I'd let you in my car after that
Didn't matter bro, I was totally empty and didn't eat anything but Ritz crackers for the next few days.
Let my story also be a reminder as to the benefits of having leather seats. The poop soaked into my cloth seats and never came out, I tried to run the seat heaters as much as possible to kinda burn it out but it didn't really work. I ended up selling the car about a year later.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:46 pm to Boring
quote:
And to top it all off? I got poison ivy from the bushes I shite in, so I had to deal with that for the next few days as well.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:46 pm to fallguy_1978
There are no embarrassing fart stories, only funny fart stories, funnier fart stories, and the funniest fart stories.
The only embarrassing fart stories, or the ones where you shite yourself.
Just yesterday my 6 year old is getting an x ray. he lays down, nurse moves his legs where they need to be, and then he lets one rip. He immediately says "oopsies, i farted". the nurse giggled, i giggled, nurse tells the other nurse what happened, she giggles, and there's my kid lying there like nothing happened.
I know he's not embarrassed by the fart, but i also know he didn't mean for it to come out, which is what makes it so funny.
The funniest fart story is when my sister was about 8 years old. she was lying on the ground watching tv and my cousin stepped on her stomach to pretend to walk over her. We had been doing that the last few minutes, pretending to step on someone, when in reality you really are just jumping over them with your foot on their stomach.
Well when my cousin did it, my tiny 50lb sister let out a 300lb man fart. One of the loudest farts i've ever heard. We all started busting out laughing, my sister cried her eyes out, and was embarrassed for years, as we told the story all the time, and finally started to embrace it many years later, although i think deep down she's still embarrassed.
I laughed typing both of those stories. I'm not embarrassed when i fart.
The only embarrassing fart stories, or the ones where you shite yourself.
Just yesterday my 6 year old is getting an x ray. he lays down, nurse moves his legs where they need to be, and then he lets one rip. He immediately says "oopsies, i farted". the nurse giggled, i giggled, nurse tells the other nurse what happened, she giggles, and there's my kid lying there like nothing happened.
I know he's not embarrassed by the fart, but i also know he didn't mean for it to come out, which is what makes it so funny.
The funniest fart story is when my sister was about 8 years old. she was lying on the ground watching tv and my cousin stepped on her stomach to pretend to walk over her. We had been doing that the last few minutes, pretending to step on someone, when in reality you really are just jumping over them with your foot on their stomach.
Well when my cousin did it, my tiny 50lb sister let out a 300lb man fart. One of the loudest farts i've ever heard. We all started busting out laughing, my sister cried her eyes out, and was embarrassed for years, as we told the story all the time, and finally started to embrace it many years later, although i think deep down she's still embarrassed.
I laughed typing both of those stories. I'm not embarrassed when i fart.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:51 pm to whitetiger1234
Not really embarrassing, but pretty funny.
My senior year of high school, my math teacher would give the lesson, then assign problems to do. While working the problems, she would walk over to provide assistance to any student who raised their hand.
We used to coordinate our requests for help with one of us ripping a nasty fart so every time she walked over to our side of the classroom she’d have to smell our farts.
We had the class right after lunch too, which helped.
My senior year of high school, my math teacher would give the lesson, then assign problems to do. While working the problems, she would walk over to provide assistance to any student who raised their hand.
We used to coordinate our requests for help with one of us ripping a nasty fart so every time she walked over to our side of the classroom she’d have to smell our farts.
We had the class right after lunch too, which helped.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:53 pm to Boring
quote:
The poop soaked into my cloth seats and never came out, I tried to run the seat heaters as much as possible to kinda burn it out but it didn't really work.
Sounds like a good idea at first but I'm also not surprised that cooked shite doesn't smell any better than fresh shite
Posted on 11/14/19 at 1:14 pm to whitetiger1234
was in a sociology class at lsu with a bunch of fine girls. tried to cough and slip one out at the same time. my timing was off.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 1:16 pm to Loup
quote:That makes it worse. Instead of you just had to fart, now it looks like you don't have any control so you just fart whenever you cough or sneeze.
tried to cough and slip one out at the same time. my timing was off.
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