TulaneLSU's Top 10 show and tell time

Dear Friends,

Show and tell was always one of the highlights of elementary school. I learned so much about my classmates and the world by listening closely to the great stories friends had about some of their favorite objects. I can remember so many wonderful items brought, from a friend's great grandfather's World War II Bible to another friend's aunt's Wonder Sauna Hot Pants. Although the plastic was mostly degraded and the pants could not be used as intended, I did get to model them when the pants were passed around the class.

I brought some of the family's best heirlooms with the very best of stories. Sometimes these items were met with the class's fascination. More often than not, they were met with ridicule and mockery. Today, I'd like to share a quick ten items I found around the house with little vignettes in hopes it might entertain, educate, and perhaps even inspire you to share ten stories and pictures from your home.

10. Engagement ring



Some of you may remember my story about the NOLA shuffle at the JCC. What I failed to mention to you was that this same girl was the one with whom I went to Impastato's for junior prom, where I fatefully made a miscalculation that humiliated me. Yes, I proposed to her in front of a large crowd at the restaurant. She said no and left me alone with the ring while Mother waited at Morning Call. I still have the ring. With my 1928 edition of the Book of Common Prayer, I am never without this ring. I live in the hope of encountering that lovely lady again. Perhaps if Providence brings us together, she will remember and she will, by this ring, see how steadfast and loyal I am.

As for the book, someone in the Top 10 NOLA novels thread on the Book Board recommended Andrei Codrescu. I went online and found a copy. It arrived today in the mail. It was a library's old copy. Libraries are quite hypocritical when it comes to book stewardship. On the one hand, a library pretends to preserve books and prevent their desecration. On the other hand, the library freely plasters the books with stickers and stamps its ownership all over the book. The worst of it is the cellophane cover the library affixes to the cover. It feels and looks gross. Joe Burrow's living room, made public during the football draft, conjured the feeling I get when I see a book in that cellophane. Repulsive.

Within two hours of arrival, I was finished with the book. It was, like a Christopher Nolan film, terrible. New Orleans was hardly present. There were a few blurbs, hardly stories, about it. One was a pointless memory of yellow ribbons on the St. Charles Ave. oaks during Mardi Gras while the Gulf War waged. New Orleans plays fifth fiddle to his stories elsewhere. His New Orleans stories were boring, and most stories not in New Orleans are lackluster, especially his. How did something of this quality get published?

9. Old dentistry tools



There is not much of a story behind these tools. My great uncle who was a dentist in the New Orleans area for more than 50 years gave me in his will his tools of the trade. He always encouraged me to go to dental school, but I could not abide by going into a profession where its practitioners call themselves doctors even though they are not real doctors. They certainly are not as bad as chiropractors, but still, you are a dentist.

I think the tool on the top right is a tongue depressor, although it looks like half of a speculum. Perhaps dentists get doctors' leftovers and use old speculums as tongue depressors? The notion is appalling and revolting. All the instruments are of fine quality, having good weight and balance in the hand. If this quarantine continues, I may indeed be forced to use these tools for the first time. One of my molars is giving me a bit of pain right now.

8. Great Grandfather's glove



Great Grandfather was quite the ballplayer. Before he settled down and got serious about life, he was on the New Orleans Pelican baseball team for a couple of years. Most of you know this minor league team as the last stopping place for Shoeless Joe Jackson before he entered the major leagues. On the topic of baseball movies and their characters, Major League 2 should not have been made. It was terrible and ruined the brand. Moreover, The Sandlot is entirely overrated. It is not a top 10 baseball movie nor a top 10 childhood movie of the 1990s. I will never understand its promotion to the upper echelons of the genre by so many. And yes, R.B.I. Baseball was Super Nintendo's best baseball game.

I was a volleyball player. Had it not been for an unfortunate accident on Dumaine Street while on errand for Central Grocery's olive salad, I might have made the Olympic team for the 2012 Games. Baseball never struck me as fun, so I kept this glove and ball in my chest of drawers for most of my life. When the Zephyrs were here and Mother forced me to attend, I would wear the glove in hopes of catching an errant ball. That never happened. Now I use the glove as part of my bodily protective gear when the city is placed under a tornado warning. I really do not like meteorologic jargon and lingo. It would be far better linguistically to use the preposition "in" than to use "under" a warning.

7. Rex



Rex is long since dead. When he was a tiny puppy, Mother made this tiny piece of clay into a shape like Rex. She helped me paint it. Then we went to a neighbor's who owned a firing kiln in her backyard studio. It turned out great and I still have it on one of my bookshelves. Perhaps LSU Coyote can make a similar piece.

6. New York pizza scraps



For a reason I do not understand, many posters here believe I am a figment, a troll, or a persona. They say things like "TulaneLSU's shtick..." Some go as far as saying I fabricate stories, even that I lie. For some reason, The Food Board has a preponderance of such posters, even though it was The Food Board which I nurtured and saw flower in its early days. Adolescents, in fits to discover themselves, often despise their parent, so perhaps that is the motivation.

When I shared with that board TulaneLSU's Top 40 pizzas in the U.S.A. there were quite a few negative comments about my opinion. Most of them doubted that I had ever been there. So I produced a few vestiges of my travels there, including these bits and bobs. It hushed their doubt for a while.

I travel to New York at least three times a year, and I like to go even more often than that. New York is such a mesmerizing city full of vigor and vitality. It is the pizza capital of the world and there are 582 pizza places I have on my "must try" list. I cannot wait to get traveling again.