The Grand Hotel in Point Clear review

For many upwards Mobilites, if you mention the Grand Hotel at Point Clear, their eyes light up with excitement. Why that is I haven't quite figured out. I've stayed in the Grand a handful of times. Each successive trip has been less and less impressive. At one time, I suspect it was a luxury resort. Today, it's little more than a expansive and overpriced Holiday Inn.

We have almost always stayed in the original building, a building staff are happy to share once hosted presidents. Perhaps 50 years ago a President would consider staying here. The main building received a major renovation a few years ago, which has done little to modernize its geriatric nursing home atmosphere. The last time we were there those renovations didn't address the leaky roof, as one of the conference rooms on the third floor from which you get a pedestrian view of a tattered, muddy, polluted bay had several plastic garbage cans collecting the rain drops.

The tropical rains shut down most of the outdoor activities, including paddle boarding. They did let us rent a bike, for an hour at a time. Staff reminded us that it was "complimentary." I reminded them that our 15% resort fee on a $500/night room worked out to a $75 one hour bike rental. The worker said we would be charged extra if we were late in returning the bikes, making a trip to Fairhope on the bikes a futile attempt at biking along a curving highway.

The daily canon firing is a tradition that draws families. An old man with two flag bearers in pseudo-military garb glorify the Confederacy each day before firing the canon. Pampered, entitled children, whose parents own mammoth sized American SUVs, interrupt the soldier's rote lecture, hitting golf balls on the Celebration Station quality putt-putt course. The pyrotechnics are mildly entertaining for a few seconds. You are then invited to the dining room for tea and mass produced cookies which look much better than they taste.

The resort hosts several other activities like Smores roasts on the dingy, driftwood-strewn beach. The pools occasionally host movie nights, but with so many children in the pool, I worry about urine concentrations.

The food is overpriced and below average. Everyone there raves about the Sunday brunch. The brunch is reminiscent of Fogo de Chao, with a seafood theme rather than meat theme. I believe it was about $50 per person last year. I wouldn't recommend it. The raw oyster shooters were bland. The omlets were omlets. The West Indies style crab meat dishes, for which that dump Mobile is known, is one of the only ways crab can be corrupted and ruined. There is good reason not a single restaurant in New Orleans serves it. If someone recommends West Indies salad, you know that person is an uncultured despiser of taste and refinement.

Going into Fairhope for food doesn't provide much relief. The only restaurant worth recommending there is a fast food place called Dragonfly. The rest of them, especially Gambino's, are to be avoided for those who value good food.

Grandmother always loved The Grand Hotel. I can only assume because it makes her nostalgic. If the Grand were less than $100/night, I could argue that it's better than Holiday Inn Express. But as it is, it's a washed up 60 year old beauty queen trying to eek out an existence from its former glory and reputation.