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Posted on 3/27/18 at 7:20 am to lsuson
quote:
I went to SLU
That is embarrassing. Surprised you admitted that
Posted on 3/27/18 at 10:18 am to statman34
quote:
used the phrase "Bread and butter". So of course, all of my group that has heard this joke non-stop look at each other with panic, followed by choking, laughter and two of us having to leave the meeting. Luckily some of us were able to contain ourselves but the look on the director's face was priceless too, considering he had no idea why we were reacting that way to him talking. Good times.
love this stuff. comedic catharsis is the GOAT
Posted on 3/27/18 at 10:32 am to nickrolled
I was dating this girl that was a junior while I was a senior in high school. She left to go on a vacation with her mom for spring break and her dad went turkey hunting. So while she was gone on vacation with her mom, her dad came home and found the screen to her window in the yard. He screwed the screen to the window on so it wouldn’t come off again.
One night when she got back I came over late, I’m 18, I want some pussy instead of sitting there talking to her through a window screen. So I pretty much yank the window screen off and crawl through the window. I’m halfway through the window when I see a sheriff’s deputy drive by her house. I know he sees me and I know I’m fricked. I crawl through really quickly and he slams on his brakes, turns on his floodlight and starts telling me to come outside. She goes to the window and says that I’m her boyfriend and that I’m not breaking in to steal anything or any nefarious deeds. He doesn’t care and goes “sir, I have a k-9 in the back here, if you don’t come out, I’m going to let him loose.”
I have no choice at that point, we crawl outside and we’re talking with the deputy. We finally get to the point where he asks our age. At this juncture I’m hoping to god that she doesn’t say her real age. She was 16 at the time so she was still a minor, she’s young for her grade. I say 18 and am just thinking “don’t you fricking say 16.” Of course she says 16. He tells me to put my hands behind my back and slaps the cuffs on me.
He asks if her parents are home and her mom was I don’t remember where her dad was, but he wasn’t there. Maybe turkey hunting again. So he rings the doorbell and her mom comes outside. At this point I’m sitting there in the front yard in handcuffs while her and her mom are arguing with each other behind me. The deputy asks her mom what she wants to do with me and thankfully she says “nothing, let him go home.” So he takes the cuffs off me and I practically run to my truck and got the frick out of there.
Needless to say, I didn’t get any that night and had a very nice conversation with her father a couple days later.
One night when she got back I came over late, I’m 18, I want some pussy instead of sitting there talking to her through a window screen. So I pretty much yank the window screen off and crawl through the window. I’m halfway through the window when I see a sheriff’s deputy drive by her house. I know he sees me and I know I’m fricked. I crawl through really quickly and he slams on his brakes, turns on his floodlight and starts telling me to come outside. She goes to the window and says that I’m her boyfriend and that I’m not breaking in to steal anything or any nefarious deeds. He doesn’t care and goes “sir, I have a k-9 in the back here, if you don’t come out, I’m going to let him loose.”
I have no choice at that point, we crawl outside and we’re talking with the deputy. We finally get to the point where he asks our age. At this juncture I’m hoping to god that she doesn’t say her real age. She was 16 at the time so she was still a minor, she’s young for her grade. I say 18 and am just thinking “don’t you fricking say 16.” Of course she says 16. He tells me to put my hands behind my back and slaps the cuffs on me.
He asks if her parents are home and her mom was I don’t remember where her dad was, but he wasn’t there. Maybe turkey hunting again. So he rings the doorbell and her mom comes outside. At this point I’m sitting there in the front yard in handcuffs while her and her mom are arguing with each other behind me. The deputy asks her mom what she wants to do with me and thankfully she says “nothing, let him go home.” So he takes the cuffs off me and I practically run to my truck and got the frick out of there.
Needless to say, I didn’t get any that night and had a very nice conversation with her father a couple days later.
Posted on 3/27/18 at 10:38 am to Allyn McKeen
(no message)
This post was edited on 3/27/18 at 2:36 pm
Posted on 3/27/18 at 10:44 am to TigerFanInSouthland
quote:
I say 18 and am just thinking “don’t you fricking say 16.” Of course she says 16.
Posted on 3/27/18 at 11:27 am to Carson123987
Not really that funny but I'll give it a go...One time in high school, we did this class "who's who's" at a pep rally and my name got called to go down the bleachers for my grade... and I was kinda off balance and fell all the way down the bleachers... The whole gym erupts in laughter as most people who knew me thought I did it on purpose. Crazy enough that was the only game our football team won that whole year 
This post was edited on 3/27/18 at 11:28 am
Posted on 3/27/18 at 11:47 am to nickrolled
I was working in Huntersville, NC for a 3 month job at a nuclear power plant. A couple of months before I went on this job, I started dating my now wife. After a month and a half on the job, I decided to fly her to come meet me for a week when she got done with her finals.
The week comes and I’m looking for things to do and decide on a Bobcats game. My wife, two guys I was on the job with, and I went to the game and started drinking.. heavily. Two people would get 4 beers and as soon as they sat down the other two people were getting up to go get more. I lost track of time by halftime and before I knew it, the game was over.
We decided to go to Dale Jr’s bar right next to the arena. I get on the whiskey drinks and by the second one, my gut is bubbling. There’s no stopping this train and I was 30 min from my apartment. I run to find a bathroom and it’s 1 stall, 1 urinal, and 1 attendant. By the time I got in the stall my pants were at my ankles and the sound and smell that came out were horrendous. Every couple of seconds someone would come in and I’d hear a spritz from the attendant.
In my mind, 5-7 min pass and I clean my nasty body and get up to face the attendant. I pull out $5 and put it in his tip jar and he lost it. “I’ve been smelling your nasty shite and spraying for 20 min. I don’t get paid enough for this, man!” I nodded and pulled $40 out and walked out with my head hanging low. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going and my wife was wondering why I disappeared for 20 min (it was definitely longer than I thought). I then had to tell her the story of my bowels and the poor bathroom attendant.
The next day, everyone at work heard the story, and although I don’t work for that company anymore, I still talk to some of the guys, and they say it gets brought up all the time.
The week comes and I’m looking for things to do and decide on a Bobcats game. My wife, two guys I was on the job with, and I went to the game and started drinking.. heavily. Two people would get 4 beers and as soon as they sat down the other two people were getting up to go get more. I lost track of time by halftime and before I knew it, the game was over.
We decided to go to Dale Jr’s bar right next to the arena. I get on the whiskey drinks and by the second one, my gut is bubbling. There’s no stopping this train and I was 30 min from my apartment. I run to find a bathroom and it’s 1 stall, 1 urinal, and 1 attendant. By the time I got in the stall my pants were at my ankles and the sound and smell that came out were horrendous. Every couple of seconds someone would come in and I’d hear a spritz from the attendant.
In my mind, 5-7 min pass and I clean my nasty body and get up to face the attendant. I pull out $5 and put it in his tip jar and he lost it. “I’ve been smelling your nasty shite and spraying for 20 min. I don’t get paid enough for this, man!” I nodded and pulled $40 out and walked out with my head hanging low. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going and my wife was wondering why I disappeared for 20 min (it was definitely longer than I thought). I then had to tell her the story of my bowels and the poor bathroom attendant.
The next day, everyone at work heard the story, and although I don’t work for that company anymore, I still talk to some of the guys, and they say it gets brought up all the time.
This post was edited on 3/27/18 at 11:58 am
Posted on 3/27/18 at 11:53 am to Cskelt20
Was wearing basketball shorts leaving wood shop in middle school. Some a-hole comes behind me and droops me. Grabs my shorts and boxers. My little pubescent ding-a-ling haning out for a split second before I could pull my shorts back up.
Posted on 3/27/18 at 12:27 pm to nickrolled
Every single time I have to admit I am from the state of Louisiana 
Posted on 3/27/18 at 12:58 pm to LeauxCountryTigah
Posted on 3/27/18 at 1:47 pm to TigerFanInSouthland
That cop sounds like a prick
Posted on 3/27/18 at 2:13 pm to Hawgnsincebirth55
I was about 12 years old when my brother and I along with our uncle (all 2 years apart from each other) went night fishing at a pier at the end of a long dirt road in a small town. It was about 1AM and the bubble guts hit me. I decided to go to the other side of the pier and hang my arse over the ledge of the handrail. At the same moment, 3 police cars pull into the parking lot and all 3 shine their spot light on me and proceed to laugh. All I could do was sit there and wave with embarrassment.
Posted on 3/27/18 at 2:23 pm to Riseupfromtherubble
Had a similar text nightmare. Not really embarrassing but funny.
I was seeing this girl off and on throughout college. I graduated before her, moved to Houston and she broke it off with me. I was pretty upset about b/c at that point I thought she was 'the one'. A few months later, she was in Houston so we met up for happy hour. While she was in the restroom, I texted my buddy about how great her tits looked that night. I went into vivid detail in this text, talked about the degrading things I was going to do to her that night...Of course, I didn't send it to my buddy, I sent it to her. I realized it as soon as I hit send. Her phone was sitting there on the bar next to me and I can see the full text on the lock-screen, taunting me. There was nothing I could do short of smashing her phone. She saw the text, we kinda awkwardly laughed it off, she left and that was pretty much the end of it.
But that feeling you get when you realize you made a huge fricking mistake is undeniable. It's like your heart stops and everything is in slow motion.
I was seeing this girl off and on throughout college. I graduated before her, moved to Houston and she broke it off with me. I was pretty upset about b/c at that point I thought she was 'the one'. A few months later, she was in Houston so we met up for happy hour. While she was in the restroom, I texted my buddy about how great her tits looked that night. I went into vivid detail in this text, talked about the degrading things I was going to do to her that night...Of course, I didn't send it to my buddy, I sent it to her. I realized it as soon as I hit send. Her phone was sitting there on the bar next to me and I can see the full text on the lock-screen, taunting me. There was nothing I could do short of smashing her phone. She saw the text, we kinda awkwardly laughed it off, she left and that was pretty much the end of it.
But that feeling you get when you realize you made a huge fricking mistake is undeniable. It's like your heart stops and everything is in slow motion.
This post was edited on 3/27/18 at 2:24 pm
Posted on 3/27/18 at 2:33 pm to TexasTiger1984
While in high school, my wife was caught giving her boyfriend a bj. Mom told her dad and he literally chased the guy around the kitchen trying to get his hands around his neck. Pisses me off b/c I never get bj's anymore :(
A great kicker to the story...there is a brewery north of town that a buddy of mine started. It's right around the corner from my in laws house so we go there quite often. Well recently my buddy hired a new brew master and head of marketing (husband/wife combo). Of course it's my wife's high school boyfriend and his wife (whom which he dumped my wife for in high school). My wife will not go back to said brewery lol
A great kicker to the story...there is a brewery north of town that a buddy of mine started. It's right around the corner from my in laws house so we go there quite often. Well recently my buddy hired a new brew master and head of marketing (husband/wife combo). Of course it's my wife's high school boyfriend and his wife (whom which he dumped my wife for in high school). My wife will not go back to said brewery lol
Posted on 3/27/18 at 2:34 pm to nickrolled
I forgot about this until I read the thread:
I was kind of a smart arse in High School (hard to believe, I know!).
I used to go up to folks in the cafeteria and put my finger in their food and ask them if they were going to eat that food item.
Usually they'd surrender the food booty.
Last day of school my senior year.
I was exempt from all of my tests but my dumbass gf had her last one right after Lunch so I'm eating Lunch one last time.
We had beef tips in red gravy over mashed potatoes for Lunch that day.
I get my tray of food, sit down at a table smack dab in the center of the cafeteria and try to cut the beef tips to start eating.
I'd (unknowingly) put the tray too close to the edge of the table so when I bore down on the tray, it flipped into my lap, spilling everything off my food tray onto my lap.
I stood up, everyone was clapping and I walked out of the cafeteria for the last time humming (to myself) the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
Last time I set foot in that skule.
I was kind of a smart arse in High School (hard to believe, I know!).
I used to go up to folks in the cafeteria and put my finger in their food and ask them if they were going to eat that food item.
Usually they'd surrender the food booty.
Last day of school my senior year.
I was exempt from all of my tests but my dumbass gf had her last one right after Lunch so I'm eating Lunch one last time.
We had beef tips in red gravy over mashed potatoes for Lunch that day.
I get my tray of food, sit down at a table smack dab in the center of the cafeteria and try to cut the beef tips to start eating.
I'd (unknowingly) put the tray too close to the edge of the table so when I bore down on the tray, it flipped into my lap, spilling everything off my food tray onto my lap.
I stood up, everyone was clapping and I walked out of the cafeteria for the last time humming (to myself) the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
Last time I set foot in that skule.
Posted on 3/27/18 at 2:38 pm to TexasTiger1984
She's blowing him again
Posted on 3/27/18 at 2:39 pm to SabiDojo
quote:All Texan men are willing to swap that for unlimited free beer.
She's blowing him again
Posted on 3/27/18 at 2:39 pm to SabiDojo
quote:
She's blowing him again
At least someone's getting blown
Posted on 3/27/18 at 2:45 pm to TexasTiger1984
When I was about 9, I rather enjoyed reading the dictionary of all things. Learning new words was my thing. Except I wasn't well versed on pronunciation.
I happened across fellatio. In my mind it was, literally, fell-a-tio. I was 9, how the frick was I supposed to know about the 'ash' or 'eo' pronunciations? I was stoked to learn this word, oral stimulation of a man's penis. fricking awesome. Couldn't wait to use it in front of older smart people and show off.
Few weeks later, my father, who was in the Coast Guard, took me out to the base and we went on a USCG cutter that he had previously worked on. They asked if I wanted to man the helm. frick yes I do.
I'm up there doing my thing, just fricking off and one of the enlisted guys asks me, 'Hey, isn't this the coolest thing ever???'..my reply back was, 'Yeah, but I could use some fell-a-tio.'
The 5 or 6 guys that were up there, including my Dad, absolutely lost it. Tears pouring down people's faces.
No one told me the correct pronunciation, or dare tell me what it meant, so the rest of the tour of the cutter, I thought it was great, everyone laughing. Everytime someone asked me something, I'd form some response with fell-a-tio in it. 'Not as good as fell-a-tio', 'fell-a-tio is better'
My old man still laughs about it to this day.
I happened across fellatio. In my mind it was, literally, fell-a-tio. I was 9, how the frick was I supposed to know about the 'ash' or 'eo' pronunciations? I was stoked to learn this word, oral stimulation of a man's penis. fricking awesome. Couldn't wait to use it in front of older smart people and show off.
Few weeks later, my father, who was in the Coast Guard, took me out to the base and we went on a USCG cutter that he had previously worked on. They asked if I wanted to man the helm. frick yes I do.
I'm up there doing my thing, just fricking off and one of the enlisted guys asks me, 'Hey, isn't this the coolest thing ever???'..my reply back was, 'Yeah, but I could use some fell-a-tio.'
The 5 or 6 guys that were up there, including my Dad, absolutely lost it. Tears pouring down people's faces.
No one told me the correct pronunciation, or dare tell me what it meant, so the rest of the tour of the cutter, I thought it was great, everyone laughing. Everytime someone asked me something, I'd form some response with fell-a-tio in it. 'Not as good as fell-a-tio', 'fell-a-tio is better'
My old man still laughs about it to this day.
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