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Message
re: Starting Over After Divorce
Posted on 2/19/24 at 5:06 am to Nelson Biederman IV
Posted on 2/19/24 at 5:06 am to Nelson Biederman IV
yeah its hard. sorry man, especially with such a young child. I had to start over at your age.
My advice would be to be very cautious about who you date. It will not be anything like the last time you dated. Hold off on letting women meet your child for as long as you can, regardless of what the woman says. If you find someone you really care about, try and wait until after the honeymoon stage until they meet your kid. She should be just as cautious about you meeting her kid(s). And yes, it's most likely that youll have to date someone with kids. I actually wanted to date someone with kids bc they'd understand the commitment of a parent.
A lot of your married friends will view you as "lucky" in some way. They think that single-parent life is nothing but being uncle dad now and then and sowing your oats when you dont have your kid. It's not like that at all. If youre like me, you had a taste of family life and want to recreate that, even if it's a Frankenstein version of the original.
Again, be very cautious of who you date. Theres a common saying that the first breakup after a divorce is the hardest. It's true in my experience. I would've been better off not dating for as long as I could.
Also, try as hard as you can to maintain a good relationship with your ex. It will be important for your child and that should be your motivation for doing so. Dont badmouth her in front of your kid. You may have to take some licks for the team. Just remind yourself that it's all for the good of your child.
Sorry man. It sucks. But its a lot more common that it used to be so the shame is probably not as bad as it could be.
My advice would be to be very cautious about who you date. It will not be anything like the last time you dated. Hold off on letting women meet your child for as long as you can, regardless of what the woman says. If you find someone you really care about, try and wait until after the honeymoon stage until they meet your kid. She should be just as cautious about you meeting her kid(s). And yes, it's most likely that youll have to date someone with kids. I actually wanted to date someone with kids bc they'd understand the commitment of a parent.
A lot of your married friends will view you as "lucky" in some way. They think that single-parent life is nothing but being uncle dad now and then and sowing your oats when you dont have your kid. It's not like that at all. If youre like me, you had a taste of family life and want to recreate that, even if it's a Frankenstein version of the original.
Again, be very cautious of who you date. Theres a common saying that the first breakup after a divorce is the hardest. It's true in my experience. I would've been better off not dating for as long as I could.
Also, try as hard as you can to maintain a good relationship with your ex. It will be important for your child and that should be your motivation for doing so. Dont badmouth her in front of your kid. You may have to take some licks for the team. Just remind yourself that it's all for the good of your child.
Sorry man. It sucks. But its a lot more common that it used to be so the shame is probably not as bad as it could be.
0
Posted on 2/19/24 at 5:07 am to Nelson Biederman IV
quote:
I’m 36
Tren
Gym
Crush
Posted on 2/19/24 at 5:32 am to Nelson Biederman IV
I when through divorce at the age of 30….so not too much younger than you.
Other than being there for your son, you have to turn your focus into rebuilding yourself. Take this time as an opportunity to do it right. For most men, that means getting back into physical shape, i.e., working out, eating better, etc. Expect this to be a quiet period in life focusing on yourself, your son, your family, friends and work…the things that will sustain you. Eventually, when ready, you will come out the other side ready to meet someone, love and move forward with them.
This is how I generally managed it almost 30 years ago. I met someone, married and had three kids. We are still married now 25 years later.
You get one shot at life. You are in control of that life. Challenge yourself to make smarter and more mature decisions for the long haul.
Other than being there for your son, you have to turn your focus into rebuilding yourself. Take this time as an opportunity to do it right. For most men, that means getting back into physical shape, i.e., working out, eating better, etc. Expect this to be a quiet period in life focusing on yourself, your son, your family, friends and work…the things that will sustain you. Eventually, when ready, you will come out the other side ready to meet someone, love and move forward with them.
This is how I generally managed it almost 30 years ago. I met someone, married and had three kids. We are still married now 25 years later.
You get one shot at life. You are in control of that life. Challenge yourself to make smarter and more mature decisions for the long haul.
Posted on 2/19/24 at 5:35 am to Nelson Biederman IV
This post was edited on 3/16/24 at 6:55 pm
Posted on 2/19/24 at 5:44 am to Nelson Biederman IV
Head up. One foot in front of the other. Don’t stop moving forward. Take time for yourself before you worry about the rest. Be honest with yourself about your strengths and weaknesses. Be honest with yourself about what you want out of your life. Find yourself again. It’s not the end. It’s the beginning.
Two and a half years in to a similar scenario. At first it feels like life is caving in. In time you start to find yourself again and it can be beyond refreshing if you take the time to care for yourself first. Go talk to someone.
50/50 custody with an infant is possible but they don’t just give it away you have to be there for it and want it. Set yourself up and grind it out.
Two and a half years in to a similar scenario. At first it feels like life is caving in. In time you start to find yourself again and it can be beyond refreshing if you take the time to care for yourself first. Go talk to someone.
50/50 custody with an infant is possible but they don’t just give it away you have to be there for it and want it. Set yourself up and grind it out.
This post was edited on 2/19/24 at 1:39 pm
Posted on 2/19/24 at 5:49 am to Nelson Biederman IV
Don’t stop fighting for time with your son. I don’t know how custodial parenting time works with an infant, but push for 50/50 as soon as he’s at a reasonable age. Kids need both parents.
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:04 am to Nelson Biederman IV
I am happily married. But still hit a bar here and there with buddies many times with a divorced buddy. If I were so inclined I could have cleaned up. It all amounts to location. If you are in a small Louisiana town? Move if possible. Wherever you can go for a fresh start and still be close enough to kid/kids. Being married narrowed your hobbies. You now have every other weekend for hobbies.
Think of positives. How many “man if I knew then, when I was single, what I know now, so much would change…”. You are there now. Test it and report your findings.
There’s plenty to be upset about. There are also bright spots. You found some shite out at 40 instead of 50. That’s a plus.
Think of positives. How many “man if I knew then, when I was single, what I know now, so much would change…”. You are there now. Test it and report your findings.
There’s plenty to be upset about. There are also bright spots. You found some shite out at 40 instead of 50. That’s a plus.
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:10 am to Nelson Biederman IV
Lots of good advice here but these are most important:
1. Paternity test.
2. Great lawyer.
3. Be there for your son (if #1 is positive).
4. Work on you - physically, mentally, spiritually.
5. Do not think about getting remarried. The last thing your son needs is his father ignoring him because he has to try and make crazy woman #2 happy by meeting “her needs” as well.
1. Paternity test.
2. Great lawyer.
3. Be there for your son (if #1 is positive).
4. Work on you - physically, mentally, spiritually.
5. Do not think about getting remarried. The last thing your son needs is his father ignoring him because he has to try and make crazy woman #2 happy by meeting “her needs” as well.
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:13 am to Nelson Biederman IV
quote:
I’m 36
quote:
I’m an old man
A lot of people aren’t even settling down until their 30s now. The 30s are the new 20s…. Just do what you want, if things can’t be salvaged, you have a lot of options.
This post was edited on 2/19/24 at 6:22 am
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:14 am to Nelson Biederman IV
Hey man. Put your mind on two things:
1. Build a strong relationship with your kid
2. Build a strong relationship with yourself
INVEST in those completely. From there, things will begin to be evident for you. I know that’s generic but that’s the point.
1. Build a strong relationship with your kid
2. Build a strong relationship with yourself
INVEST in those completely. From there, things will begin to be evident for you. I know that’s generic but that’s the point.
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:19 am to Nelson Biederman IV
You’re divorcing with a 7 month old? Y’all made a lot of dumbass mistakes and probably made your baby’s life a lot worse too
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:20 am to GeorgeTheGreek
quote:
It’s a long story and way too many details
I hate that she cheated on you. fricked up being that you have a 7 month old. She sounds like a psychopath. You’ll be better off in the long run.
This sounds like he is the one who cheated. She is seven months post-pardum, doubt she is out chasing strange.
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:25 am to Nelson Biederman IV
40 is your prime years. Get out there and bang some sloots.
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:28 am to Nelson Biederman IV
You didn’t try hard enough if you’re getting a divorce with a fricking seven month old. You and/or your wife are selfish as frick. You’re only talking about starting over again and dating again. Focus on being a father to your seven month old baby
ETA:
Yeah you tried for a whole seven months congratulations.
ETA:
quote:
was in a relationship with his mother for 14 years and was desperately trying to spend the rest of my life unhappy so that he would have an intact family.
Yeah you tried for a whole seven months
congratulations. This post was edited on 2/19/24 at 6:31 am
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:30 am to Nelson Biederman IV
quote:
did any of you feel the way I do about being settled and all that?
I was about your age when my wife convinced herself there were greener pastures out there. There is a grief process, much like when you have a death in the family. All I know to tell you is...this too shall pass. Take care of the children, keep a positive attitude, and eventually the dark cloud over you will dissipate. There are a lot of women out their in their 20's, 30's and 40's to keep you entertained. Once I got over the initial shock and grieving, I got back on the horse and had a quite enjoyable 10 year run before I married my second wife.
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:43 am to Nelson Biederman IV
quote:
It’s a long story and way too many details
We've got time, it's okay.
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:52 am to Nelson Biederman IV
I got divorced at 35 was single for 10 years during which time I had no trouble finding women to date. Just be patient and let your dick do the thinking for a while.
The right one will come along.
The right one will come along.
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:53 am to Nelson Biederman IV
quote:
Now I’m pushing 40
You’ve got 4 years before 40 bro. You’ve got this! Gym, hobbies and meet ppl
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:55 am to Nelson Biederman IV
I laughed when you said "Im an old man". Im 79 and recently divorced. I have stuff in my freezer older than you. Im enjoying the hell out of it. Life goes on.
Posted on 2/19/24 at 6:59 am to Evil Little Thing
quote:
push for 50/50 as soon as he’s at a reasonable age.
The day he was born.
Tell his mother to get a breast pump.
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