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re: So..got in a fight with the wife tonight…
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:16 am to SquatchDawg
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:16 am to SquatchDawg
She’s rooted in the world. The world will let you down every time. Focus on Jesus instead.
1
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:20 am to SquatchDawg
Brother I hope it works out.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:29 am to The Pickwick
quote:It is a huge deal if you are facing depression that is taking over your whole life to where you won't even provide for your kids anymore
She is only drinking a half a bottle to a bottle of wine a night. I agree nobody should be getting passed out drunk every night but two glasses of wine is no big deal.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:39 am to SquatchDawg
Therapist, dude.
ETA: couples.
ETA: couples.
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 8:55 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:40 am to Havoc
(no message)
This post was edited on 8/6/25 at 5:50 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:42 am to SquatchDawg
Get a puppy if you don’t have a dog already. For her, preferably a lap dog. She needs to get attached to something in your house before something “outside”.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:46 am to SquatchDawg
Wife and I have been married since 1988 so we have a few years on y’all so this is my personal story.
My wife quit being a legal secretary to stay home with our boys when the youngest started school and hasn’t worked since.
Like you we wanted to send both ours to college if that is what they wanted to do. Well my youngest just graduated and one is now an doc and one a data analyst so they will do better than us which is all you want.
My wife lost her dad a few years ago and was a daddy’s girl then just lost her mom. So now along with empty nest she doesn’t have anyone to care for other than me and she is a big time nurturer
She is depressed now and I have mentioned to her to volunteer somewhere just for something to do and get out of house. So far nothing but praying she does something but she has gone to doc and started some meds so hope that works. Sucks seeing the one you love hurting and depressed.
I will be praying for you brother hopefully she will see she needs to change and get some help because that is only way it’s gonna get any better.
My wife quit being a legal secretary to stay home with our boys when the youngest started school and hasn’t worked since.
Like you we wanted to send both ours to college if that is what they wanted to do. Well my youngest just graduated and one is now an doc and one a data analyst so they will do better than us which is all you want.
My wife lost her dad a few years ago and was a daddy’s girl then just lost her mom. So now along with empty nest she doesn’t have anyone to care for other than me and she is a big time nurturer
She is depressed now and I have mentioned to her to volunteer somewhere just for something to do and get out of house. So far nothing but praying she does something but she has gone to doc and started some meds so hope that works. Sucks seeing the one you love hurting and depressed.
I will be praying for you brother hopefully she will see she needs to change and get some help because that is only way it’s gonna get any better.
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 5:47 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 5:54 am to SquatchDawg
Sounds like the thought of working again when you’ve been out of the workforce for that long could be overwhelming. The fact she still looks forward to stuff with her friends on weekends almost makes me wonder it’s the threat of losing her free time or if there’s something else about a change in routine rather than anxiety or depression.
I would also encourage you to ask your children what their goals are for college and education. It’s okay for them to not know, but there’s also cheaper ways to do college or a year to work for them, loans, etc. are other options.
I would also encourage you to ask your children what their goals are for college and education. It’s okay for them to not know, but there’s also cheaper ways to do college or a year to work for them, loans, etc. are other options.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:01 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
The sad thing is guys…that would give me an easy exit from this situation.
In most cases, that’s not an easy exit.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:02 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
I’m 53 yrs old I’ve provided for my wife and kids to this point…which is upper middle class I would estimate. Why am I having to deal with this bullshite?
I’m not trying to be a dick, I could be wrong here, and maybe you’ve already done some of this, but consider this perspective:
Your wife lost both her parents and is about to lose both her sons and her entire sense of self and purpose is built around caring for those 4 people and your thoughts are:
Why do I have to deal with this?
Why do I have to be the primary bread winner?
Why is this happening to me?
Maybe take a deep look inward and see if you have been making comments like this under your breath or directly to your wife. You might be doing more harm than you realize. This woman is going through a lot, are you being as selfless and supportive as possible or are you coming home from work selfishly “tired and too busy to deal with her dumb bullshite?”
Maybe take a couples trip. Take her to a nice dinner and just let her talk. Shove your pride and your ego and your needs down and take a few minutes to examine the situation from your wife’s perspective and let her vent and tell you what’s wrong. No matter how frustrated or stupid it sounds to you let her talk.
Sometimes you have to let women deal with things the way they want to instead of the way you know or think they should.
Also, alchohol is a terrible poison. How often does she exercise? Can you suggest a joint exercise? Long walks in the morning or afternoon? Pickleball together?
Depression is brutal and also becomes a cycle. She withdraws which makes her depressed which makes her withdraw more and lash out, etc.
Is there something you used to do together you can start again to strengthen your relationship? You have to figure out how to rebuild and maintain your trust and marriage. Next time you’re talking to her pay attention to how you respond and react and if you are interrupting or not paying attention.
When she tells you her feelings do you affirm them and listen or talk down to her and dismiss them?
When she tells you a problem do you acknowledge it and move on or do you try and fix it immediately without her input?
Last questions: Are you Christian? Do you go to church?
And finally:
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 7:04 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:03 am to SquatchDawg
Sounds like your wife may be battling depression.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:04 am to SquatchDawg
The one issue that you really never discussed here is how you may have been perceived as insensitive to her while her parents were dying. You went through that loss too but your attachment was not as strong to them so when frustration arose your reactions may have been poorly received.
She dealt with her dad in the home. She has lived in that home for years raising kids and dealing with the monotony of everyday life. Her husband works from home so he is always there. It's not surprising that she wants a change of scenery with friends and this can be made worse by you always being there. Especially if she harbors animosity as discussed above.
She needs to find herself again and decide if this is the life she wants. It seems obvious to us that she should but right now she is questioning this idea. If you could find a healthy retreat, or even in patient counseling for 30 days, and convince her to start by getting away to deal with herself then she could come back and work with you in therapy. She does need me time and right now that is being found by drinking alone and with friends.
Edit: If dad died in that home it may be time to find a new house. This is unpleasant and pleasant to consider. You downsize into a home which enables you to handle the college expenses and she gsins a purpose by getting to rebuild a nest but you both and your children give up the home that I am sure you love
She dealt with her dad in the home. She has lived in that home for years raising kids and dealing with the monotony of everyday life. Her husband works from home so he is always there. It's not surprising that she wants a change of scenery with friends and this can be made worse by you always being there. Especially if she harbors animosity as discussed above.
She needs to find herself again and decide if this is the life she wants. It seems obvious to us that she should but right now she is questioning this idea. If you could find a healthy retreat, or even in patient counseling for 30 days, and convince her to start by getting away to deal with herself then she could come back and work with you in therapy. She does need me time and right now that is being found by drinking alone and with friends.
Edit: If dad died in that home it may be time to find a new house. This is unpleasant and pleasant to consider. You downsize into a home which enables you to handle the college expenses and she gsins a purpose by getting to rebuild a nest but you both and your children give up the home that I am sure you love
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 6:21 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:08 am to SquatchDawg
First off, I feel for you and your family and hope things turn a corner. I understand your position and it sounds brutal. I’ve seen some great responses, so just trying to build on that. If you want to to turn things around, it will need to stay lopsided and tilted in her favor for the time being - focus on being actively supportive. She is depressed and lost all boundaries, start with the fundamentals before throwing her in the deep end.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you may have jumped the gun here. Is that really what you want? Or just to be more productive? If it’s about finances, tell her. Be vulnerable about it, ask her for help, encourage her, don’t demand it. I say this because if you want it to work, apologizing for this and clarifying your concern is the entry point to a more productive conversation.
Are your parents still around? She is still hurting very badly over this. Losing a parent, then losing the other is incredibly hard, you never get over it. Sounds like she put a great deal of effort into her parental relationships and that effort is now displaced, along with the effort with the kids as they get older and more independent.
It’s always hard to “be there” for someone when they lose a loved one. They go through so many emotions that come and go, it’s not really possible to provide comfort, only stability.
This is another entry point to a more productive conversation, apologize for her circumstances and acknowledge her effort. Let her know it’s still ok to be hurt from this. Let her talk. Life is busy and she likely has resentment over this that has never been dealt with.
I know it sounds counter intuitive, but if you want things to get better, consider actively nurturing her rather than tough love. See where it goes from there. I hope it gets better.
quote:
We’re looking at putting two kids through college and I’ve been pressing that it’s time to get a job.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you may have jumped the gun here. Is that really what you want? Or just to be more productive? If it’s about finances, tell her. Be vulnerable about it, ask her for help, encourage her, don’t demand it. I say this because if you want it to work, apologizing for this and clarifying your concern is the entry point to a more productive conversation.
quote:
10 years ago her mom went through a bought of dementia and passed away…it was a brutal year long affair. Then about 4 years ago her dad had lung cancer and also died
Are your parents still around? She is still hurting very badly over this. Losing a parent, then losing the other is incredibly hard, you never get over it. Sounds like she put a great deal of effort into her parental relationships and that effort is now displaced, along with the effort with the kids as they get older and more independent.
It’s always hard to “be there” for someone when they lose a loved one. They go through so many emotions that come and go, it’s not really possible to provide comfort, only stability.
This is another entry point to a more productive conversation, apologize for her circumstances and acknowledge her effort. Let her know it’s still ok to be hurt from this. Let her talk. Life is busy and she likely has resentment over this that has never been dealt with.
I know it sounds counter intuitive, but if you want things to get better, consider actively nurturing her rather than tough love. See where it goes from there. I hope it gets better.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:13 am to i am dan
I agree on the couples therapist, rather than just one for her. It’s never good to have the convos about this stuff when y’all are both drinking or if even one of yall is drinking. I would consider trying to encourage her that yall do 1 sober month together. See if yall can do it, odds is that she can’t. And who knows, maybe you can’t either. The job will be the least of your worries if she’s an alcoholic.
You mentioned that she would be good at sales, the problem is most sales people drink even more when they wine and dine their clients.
I would also show her on paper y’all numbers and come up with a budget that would make it work with her not having a job vs one where she has a job. Show her the cuts she would need to make in her life.
The biggest issue when they spouse isn’t working is that they are normally spending so it’s a double whammy. I would give her ideas of possible fun jobs but that just keeps her occupied. Maybe teaching Yoga classes or something like that.
You mentioned that she would be good at sales, the problem is most sales people drink even more when they wine and dine their clients.
I would also show her on paper y’all numbers and come up with a budget that would make it work with her not having a job vs one where she has a job. Show her the cuts she would need to make in her life.
The biggest issue when they spouse isn’t working is that they are normally spending so it’s a double whammy. I would give her ideas of possible fun jobs but that just keeps her occupied. Maybe teaching Yoga classes or something like that.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:13 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
Am I the a-hole here? What should I do?
I don't know what you should do, but this is definitely not a you problem. You've basically stated your wife has never worked and she isn't doing the stay at home mom duties anymore either.
What's she doing to contribute to the home at all? Just being around?
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 7:06 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:14 am to SquatchDawg
Sounds like a real life predicament.
I think she has a case to not work. After 20 years of not working she absolutely was honest about not feeling that she has value to be hired. If you have taken care of her this long then continue to do it.
Ask her to go on a date. Go back to courting her and making her feel desired. Take the focus off you and put it on her. Not what you want her to do but what you can do to validate her and make her feel loved and appreciated. In all honesty it will help you the most.
Start with chasing her. It will create an atmosphere in your home that she feels desired and valued.
I believe wife’s are a gift. There’s nothing better and it really up to you change the way you lead and love.
I think she has a case to not work. After 20 years of not working she absolutely was honest about not feeling that she has value to be hired. If you have taken care of her this long then continue to do it.
Ask her to go on a date. Go back to courting her and making her feel desired. Take the focus off you and put it on her. Not what you want her to do but what you can do to validate her and make her feel loved and appreciated. In all honesty it will help you the most.
Start with chasing her. It will create an atmosphere in your home that she feels desired and valued.
I believe wife’s are a gift. There’s nothing better and it really up to you change the way you lead and love.
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 6:21 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:18 am to SquatchDawg
I went through something similar with my wife in her early 40s. Nobody ever said marriage was easy. These are the bad times that we took vowes to stick with that person
My wife had been prescribed some medication for postpartum depression and had been taking it for years then started drinking, then hiding her drinking, then put on weight and pulled away from everyone. It came to a head when she was drunk and tried to hurt herself, ended up at the ER and then a hospital stay for 4 days until they were convinced she would not hurt herself again. That was the tipping point.
Got rid of alcohol, weened off that damn medicine and started working out to drop weight. Getting off that medicine, for her, was a 3 year struggle
But now we’re better than ever. We had to rebuild that trust that was lost with her lying about drinking, and it took very uncomfortable discussions but we got through it.
God bless ya’ll my friend.
My wife had been prescribed some medication for postpartum depression and had been taking it for years then started drinking, then hiding her drinking, then put on weight and pulled away from everyone. It came to a head when she was drunk and tried to hurt herself, ended up at the ER and then a hospital stay for 4 days until they were convinced she would not hurt herself again. That was the tipping point.
Got rid of alcohol, weened off that damn medicine and started working out to drop weight. Getting off that medicine, for her, was a 3 year struggle
But now we’re better than ever. We had to rebuild that trust that was lost with her lying about drinking, and it took very uncomfortable discussions but we got through it.
God bless ya’ll my friend.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:20 am to SquatchDawg
Nah you’re in the right. Have you had many opportunities to tell her how she’s being overall the last few years? Have her friends? Even if it doesn’t go well it’s probably worth it to put it out there. Even if she doesn’t see it/agree right away maybe it’ll plant the seed to get her there.
Also my mom was in the same boat when I started college. Picked up a job working for a greeting card company as a vendor. Plan was just for her to do it while I was in college initially but she’s still going almost 10 years later. I think she enjoys it more than she lets on. Gave her a sense of purpose outside of being in the house all day.
Also my mom was in the same boat when I started college. Picked up a job working for a greeting card company as a vendor. Plan was just for her to do it while I was in college initially but she’s still going almost 10 years later. I think she enjoys it more than she lets on. Gave her a sense of purpose outside of being in the house all day.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:36 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
She blew up. “I haven’t worked in 20 years”..”nobody would hire me”. She mentioned a few things and said “I don’t want to do that” to which I responded “ Do you think I do what I do because I want to? No…I have no choice”. As you can imagine it didn’t go well.
She's lost her purpose. Your sons are self-sufficient. You work. You provide. She wants to be a part of something that contributes even greater now. I don't view this as a bad thing.
quote:
Do you think I do what I do because I want to? No…I have no choice”. As you can imagine it didn’t go well.
Wrong response. This isn't about you, right now. This was about hearing her. Validating her. You completely disregarded her feelings, and made it about you. Most people do this without ever knowing they did this. You can reset. Set aside your pride and ego, and start with an apology.
quote:
Am I the a-hole here?
No, it's not about who's right and who's wrong. Don't look to point the finger at anyone. You're focusing on the problem and your focus is wrong.
quote:
What should I do?
Find solutions. Talk through it together. Work as a team. Ask for her input. Sleep on it. Pray on it. Come from a place of logic and leave emotion out of it. Make decisions together. Remember the way that the two of you communicated prior to marriage? The way that when a new relationship just started out? Go find that. At least for now. It may not always stay that way, but this is a solid building ground to have a conversation.
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?
Posted on 6/27/25 at 6:37 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
it’s hard when you’re surrounded by it and our only conversations are a result of drinking
Insightful sentence that more couples are guilty of than they realize. I’ve been there, where we’d drink for the moment more than the alcohol, but the alcohol came along for the ride. I eventually just stopped buying it and we naturally moved on.
Your wife should embrace that the benefit of getting a job at this point in life means she actually gets to choose what she does and only a minimal income is needed. Work at a garden center, museum, clothing boutique, anything you have a genuine interest in. Or get a cube gig, whatever.
My wife stayed at home for 15yrs and then got a basic gig in the school system with easy hours and just enough $ to cover a few expenses.
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