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re: Mom is going to a nursing home (Updated pg 7)
Posted on 1/26/25 at 9:35 pm to oldtrucker
Posted on 1/26/25 at 9:35 pm to oldtrucker
Thank you, I will. Besides the obvious, passing away, my biggest concern is losing my 4 grand kids, knowing I won't be seeing them grow up. I try & stay away from those thoughts.
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Posted on 1/26/25 at 10:17 pm to Pisco
It’s going to be real hard on dad. He’s probably going to try and hide how much, so be extra observant in his case.
He’s going to need help too, maybe more so just in a different way.
He’s going to need help too, maybe more so just in a different way.
Posted on 1/26/25 at 10:21 pm to Pisco
Please give yourself grace in this. I’m in my 60’s and in good health, but I was widowed last year and realize the implications for my sons if my health fails. I had a talk with them last summer and then followed it up by talking to my daughters in law. I will never make them promise to keep me out of a nursing home. Sometimes it’s the safest option- especially when there are issues with dementia or falls. I don’t want them to feel guilty about it and I trust their judgement.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 12:11 am to Pisco
I’m very sorry you’re having to go through this. My mom and sister both died from dementia. Horrible disease.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 12:27 am to DJ3K
quote:
Not sorry. If you are an abled body adult with parents living in a nursing home. You suck
You have no fricking idea what you are talking about, especially with a dementia patient.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 3:01 am to Pisco
My wife and I take care of our 83 year old mother in law and we are slowly coming to the reality that at some point, we are going to have to make this decision. She has suffered 6 mini strokes over the past few years, and you can see her declining. We don't know if it is dementia, but there is definitely cognitive decline. If it is dementia, gets worse, and she needs someone always with her all the time, then there is no way possible. During the day when we are at work, she goes to a facility and spends time with elderly people and is with us in the evening and night. She can be left alone for a few hours as of now ,but if it progresses, we will probably have no choice. We have to plan everything around her at the moment, and being elderly is one thing ,but having to take care of someone with dementia is a completely different animal. I have a friend whose mother had full blown dementia and she broke down ,because she had to put her mother in a home ,but there was no other way. It is a shitty feeling ,but unless you have the resources to hire in home care (most people don't) you are making the right decision. I hate for anyone to have to make that decision and sometimes logical decisions are hard when emotions are involved and I wish the best for you and your family.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 3:38 am to stelly1025
If it is dementia she will develop a condition called Sundowners eventually. That’s when things get much worse in the evening and nightfall. I hope she doesn’t have it. Good luck.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 4:56 am to DJ3K
quote:
Ok. I will be that guy again in this type of thread.
Who wiped your arse when you were 6 months old? Who fed you when you couldnt pick up a spoon and bring it to your mouth? At the most trying time of your life, who helped you when you couldnt do a damn thing yourself?
Not sorry. If you are an abled body adult with parents living in a nursing home. You suck
They did everything for you when you unable to.
Your parents held your body and taught you to stand, led you by their hand to walk, drove you to the doctor when you had some weakass cough or crud in your eye
Return the mother fricking favor
You clearly do not know what you are talking about. When a family member needs skilled nursing care, that cannot simply happen at home. They need 24/7/365 care at that point, and it would be impossible for children to do this without help. Stop being stupid and posting about things you know nothing about.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 7:04 am to Pisco
quote:
plus the dementia
It's brutal. God bless.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 7:07 am to kywildcatfanone
I've been through this a few times now.
My FIL had in-home hospice care for 9 months until he passed. While it was good for him it was hell for the family to deal with. Hospice only came once a week and the strain on my wife probbly took years off of her life.
My mom and dad ended up in homes. My mom was particularly tough on us as she died during COVID so our visitation schedule was very limited. There was no opportunity to say goodbye.
Both situations are very difficult. Just do all of the research on the homes that you can and make the best decision you can.
My FIL had in-home hospice care for 9 months until he passed. While it was good for him it was hell for the family to deal with. Hospice only came once a week and the strain on my wife probbly took years off of her life.
My mom and dad ended up in homes. My mom was particularly tough on us as she died during COVID so our visitation schedule was very limited. There was no opportunity to say goodbye.
Both situations are very difficult. Just do all of the research on the homes that you can and make the best decision you can.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 7:10 am to Pisco
Very sorry for you.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 7:22 am to kywildcatfanone
I actually do know what I m talking about bc i saw my mother take care of her aging Dementia mother. She went over, whenever needed. Slept over as often needed.
My mother's mom was diagnosed with dementia at 85. She died recently AT 99 in her own home.
For 14 years of my mother's live. She Drove to doctors visits. Gone to urgent care in the middle of the night. Gone grocery shopping. Wiped arse. Learned specialized exercise. Bathed her bc she forgot how to. Helped with reminders to take daily medication.
I saw first hand what ADLs are and know what it means to care for someone you love when it comes to dementia patients
My mother was fired from her job bc she took off so much taking her dementia diagnosed mother to the hospital, slept by her house, and had to stay and help with her daily life care for her mother that took care of her when she needed it as a child
Again not sorry all you downvoters and 8 disrespectful children that responded to my post are just lazy and dont know, understand, and appreciate the sacrifice your parents did for your as a child
Hire help to come to their house and take care of them if you are too lazy to do so. Your parents should be able to pass with dignity and peace of mind in their own home.
Dont let them rot in a nursing home.
And again you suck
My mother's mom was diagnosed with dementia at 85. She died recently AT 99 in her own home.
For 14 years of my mother's live. She Drove to doctors visits. Gone to urgent care in the middle of the night. Gone grocery shopping. Wiped arse. Learned specialized exercise. Bathed her bc she forgot how to. Helped with reminders to take daily medication.
I saw first hand what ADLs are and know what it means to care for someone you love when it comes to dementia patients
My mother was fired from her job bc she took off so much taking her dementia diagnosed mother to the hospital, slept by her house, and had to stay and help with her daily life care for her mother that took care of her when she needed it as a child
Again not sorry all you downvoters and 8 disrespectful children that responded to my post are just lazy and dont know, understand, and appreciate the sacrifice your parents did for your as a child
Hire help to come to their house and take care of them if you are too lazy to do so. Your parents should be able to pass with dignity and peace of mind in their own home.
Dont let them rot in a nursing home.
And again you suck
Posted on 1/27/25 at 7:29 am to DJ3K
quote:
I actually do know what I m talking about bc i saw my mother take care of her aging Dementia mother. She went over, whenever needed. Slept over as often needed.
My mother's mom was diagnosed with dementia at 85. She died recently AT 99 in her own home.
For 14 years of my mother's live. She Drove to doctors visits. Gone to urgent care in the middle of the night. Gone grocery shopping. Wiped arse. Learned specialized exercise. Bathed her bc she forgot how to. Helped with reminders to take daily medication.
I saw first hand what ADLs are and know what it means to care for someone you love when it comes to dementia patients
My mother was fired from her job bc she took off so much taking her dementia diagnosed mother to the hospital, slept by her house, and had to stay and help with her daily life care for her mother that took care of her when she needed it as a child
Again not sorry all you downvoters and 8 disrespectful children that responded to my post are just lazy and dont know, understand, and appreciate the sacrifice your parents did for your as a child
Hire help to come to their house and take care of them if you are too lazy to do so. Your parents should be able to pass with dignity and peace of mind in their own home.
Dont let them rot in a nursing home.
And again you suck
So you didn’t care for anyone, your mother did.
What kind of son lets their mother get overextended to the point that she gets fired from her job. Where were you when she was martyring herself for your grandmother?
See, that shitty judgmental bullshite can go both ways buddy.
Take your attention whoring elsewhere.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 7:44 am to DJ3K
quote:
Hire help to come to their house and take care of them
I missed the part where YOU had to take care of an aging parent. You've only made mention of your mom going through it.
Tell us, did you help your mom take care of your grandmother for those 14 years, or did you just go about your life?
If it's the later, you can't speak to the decisions that needed to be made for the care of his parent as every situation does not afford the luxury your mom was able to pull off.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 8:00 am to DJ3K
As someone who just lost his dad after 10 years of dementia related decline, and watching my mom be with him every day, through the anger, the physical abuse (nothing he could control), numerous falls, va visits, ostomy issues and changing, incontinence, and no i was not there for every moment, but was there a lot to help.
So take the moral paintbrush you are whipping around pretty broadly and shove it up your fricking arse
So take the moral paintbrush you are whipping around pretty broadly and shove it up your fricking arse
Posted on 1/27/25 at 8:42 am to jmon
quote:
So you didn’t care for anyone, your mother did.
quote:
missed the part where YOU had to take care of an aging parent. You've only made mention of your mom going through it.
Tell us, did you help your mom take care of your grandmother for those 14 years, or did you just go about your life?
Yeah I went over as often as I could and helped wipe arse and do specialized excercises, and had the same conversation multiple times per day. Drove her to doctors to give my mother a break when she requested it. I was my mother's back up but she took it upon herself to do what every child should do for their parent.
I saw my mother's sacrifice for her mom and realized I am next one the totem pole. She wont be going to a nursing home bc I am not a lazy and ungrateful child
I can speak for it way more than you and bluegrass who decided to just give up and let your parents rot in a nursing home
quote:it can and it is called sacrifice. Sorry you dont have the same courage and conviction nor desire to pull off what it takes to care for someone you love
as every situation does not afford the luxury your mom was able to pull off.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 9:05 am to DJ3K
why are you compelled to be so judgmental on this topic? Take care of your loved ones however you see fit and/or are able. Don’t worry about what anyone else does because they don’t affect you.
this is a discussion not a contest
this is a discussion not a contest
Posted on 1/27/25 at 9:11 am to DJ3K
quote:
it can and it is called sacrifice. Sorry you dont have the same courage and conviction nor desire to pull off what it takes to care for someone you love
And this is where you are wrong. I have been in this situation and being self employed, was able to be with my dad, nursing him back from death's door. I was fortunate to have the time I did with him, and also very blessed that he did not have dementia or other debilitating brain diseases. My dad was a strong man, able to communicate to us the care directive HE wanted. We went through hospice and home health care initially, with my brother and I taking on a majority of the load. My dad hated that "strangers" were in his home, and this was the main focus of his progress. He wanted to be on his own. This was a man the doctor's sent home to die. We were able to get him waling again, and he eventually moved into assisted living where he continued his hospice care, participating with activities and being with people he knew from his past.
I tell you this because you helped your mom when she asked, but you did not bear the burden of the what is required on a daily basis. For you to sit in judgment of others in what is a most difficult time for all involved, you do not know what it takes to properly care for an aging parent. It may be beyond what you are capable of in offering care that is appropriate, unless you are a certified medial doctor or nurse. It is one of the most rewarding things I was ever able to do in my life, but my situation was different than what OP has offered, and I have siblings that were able to be a part of the process. You need to not live through your mom's courage and conviction and think you can pull it off, if ever required to do so. Time has a way of changing how you will perceive things in the future and what you "think" you will be able to do, so long as it is not a detriment to the one you are caring for.
Now is the time to have the conversation with your aging parent(s) to see what level of care they desire.
Posted on 1/27/25 at 9:38 am to jmon
These are not one size fits all situations and you're missing that. Your posts are based on your one experience with your grandmother.
A friend's mother got dementia. Her personality changed. She was mean, combative and hard to handle physically and mentally. My friend was fully supporting her financially, so she had to work. She hired sitters during the day, but they all quit, one after another because they couldn't handle her mother and her mother was both physically and mentally abusive. It was awful and heartbreaking.
One night, a neighbor rang the bell at about midnight. He'd found my friend's mother lying in the street, bleeding from having fallen. Somehow, she'd managed to get dressed and get out of the house. She'd never done that before so it was unexpected.
The situation reached the point where my friend had no choice but to put her mother in a facility with staff trained to handle people with this illness. It would take multiple people to deal with her mother on many occasions. My friend went there every evening after work and on weekends. It's not like she left her mother to rot in a nursing home as you put it. It was necessary and it was safer for both of them.
Your one experience doesn't mean you know what you're talking about. You obviously do not. There are many many different circumstances and some require being in a facility.
A friend's mother got dementia. Her personality changed. She was mean, combative and hard to handle physically and mentally. My friend was fully supporting her financially, so she had to work. She hired sitters during the day, but they all quit, one after another because they couldn't handle her mother and her mother was both physically and mentally abusive. It was awful and heartbreaking.
One night, a neighbor rang the bell at about midnight. He'd found my friend's mother lying in the street, bleeding from having fallen. Somehow, she'd managed to get dressed and get out of the house. She'd never done that before so it was unexpected.
The situation reached the point where my friend had no choice but to put her mother in a facility with staff trained to handle people with this illness. It would take multiple people to deal with her mother on many occasions. My friend went there every evening after work and on weekends. It's not like she left her mother to rot in a nursing home as you put it. It was necessary and it was safer for both of them.
Your one experience doesn't mean you know what you're talking about. You obviously do not. There are many many different circumstances and some require being in a facility.
This post was edited on 1/27/25 at 9:59 am
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