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re: marriage counseling - whats the point?
Posted on 4/1/18 at 9:30 am to HueyP
Posted on 4/1/18 at 9:30 am to HueyP
quote:
I went through a lot of marriage counciling at the end of my 1st marriage. It cost me a small fortune. I read all the books and did as much of the exercises I could. Ex talk the talk but never really got into the couples part of it. That’s just who she is and who I am. Strange thing is the marriage counseling really paid off in the second marriage even though my second wife wasn’t involved. I think in counciling I discovered the type of woman I was compatible with and how to communicate in a marriage. What kind of marriage stuff to blow off and what to talk out.
This.
So many people go into it thinking that it’s all about validating themselves and that the counselor will “take their side”. It’s not about that at all.
It’s really about fixing/improving yourself and even if you’re alone in that mindset, counseling still works, even if it’s in future relationships.
0
Posted on 4/1/18 at 9:36 am to Lakeboy7
quote:
It helps the man identify all the mistakes he made.
This is how it went down with my first wife and me with our counselor. She was spending money like a drunken sailor (and also having an affair although I didn’t know it at the time). She didn’t work outside the home and undoubtedly would have bankrupted me had we stayed together but according to the therapist, I just needed to work all day then come home and do the dishes, vacuum floors, wash clothes and that would fix all our problems.
Posted on 4/1/18 at 9:36 am to Tempratt
Sometimes I want to tell my wife how I like to guess what type of panties other women are wearing. Maybe a thong or maybe even none at all. However, I refrain from that topic unless we are in the ‘safe place’ of marriage counseling where any thought is allowed.
Posted on 4/1/18 at 10:14 am to samson73103
quote:
This is how it went down with my first wife and me with our counselor. She was spending money like a drunken sailor (and also having an affair although I didn’t know it at the time). She didn’t work outside the home and undoubtedly would have bankrupted me had we stayed together but according to the therapist, I just needed to work all day then come home and do the dishes, vacuum floors, wash clothes and that would fix all our problems.
Honest question, and I hope you don’t take this as an attack, but did your ex or the counselor mention anything about you being checked out/distant/disengaged? Based on what you posted, it seems like that is a plausible explanation of her behavior.
And please note that I’m absolutely not excusing her behavior. Her decision to spend irresponsibly and cheat are her own and she should be accountable for that. However, unless you simply married an incredibly crappy human being, these things probably didn’t just happen. Maybe she felt isolated, or depressed, or overwhelmed in her role as a home maker. Maybe she spent as a way of self-medicating (not uncommon for many SAHM).
With a few caveats (abuse, complete dysfunction, etc) a good counselor will take the side of the marriage, not necessarily who is “right” or “wrong”. I have no idea what you did or didn’t do, but it’s entirely possible that having you shoulder more household tasks was the best course of action to triage the marriage in the short term and buy you both some time, even if it didn’t immediately address who was “right” or “wrong”.
And again, I hope you don’t take this as an attack. My hope is that you don’t completely write off counseling in the event that you need it in your next marriage.
This post was edited on 4/1/18 at 10:17 am
Posted on 4/1/18 at 10:50 am to Tempratt
Many cinflicts in life whether they be business or something is personal as marriage, require the third party with no prejudices or biases to amicably mediate the two parties in dispute. You can only buttheads on issues so long before you need a third party to step in and give you an unbiased view based on the entirety of the information that's given to them.
The hope is that both parties are able to see where they were failing too see the other person's views and acknowkedge their feelings because their own were clearly taking priority.
The hope is that both parties are able to see where they were failing too see the other person's views and acknowkedge their feelings because their own were clearly taking priority.
Posted on 4/1/18 at 10:52 am to TigerPox
quote:
Me and my partner
Posted on 4/1/18 at 10:53 am to StupidBinder
quote:
Honest question, and I hope you don’t take this as an attack, but did your ex or the counselor mention anything about you being checked out/distant/disengaged? Based on what you posted, it seems like that is a plausible explanation of her behavior.
And please note that I’m absolutely not excusing her behavior. Her decision to spend irresponsibly and cheat are her own and she should be accountable for that. However, unless you simply married an incredibly crappy human being, these things probably didn’t just happen. Maybe she felt isolated, or depressed, or overwhelmed in her role as a home maker. Maybe she spent as a way of self-medicating (not uncommon for many SAHM).
I really don’t remember if she accused me of being distant. That was 15 years ago. I do remember her accusing me of being controlling with regards to trying to curtail her spending. My first wife is indeed a crappy human being. She comes from a broken home and has daddy issues. Didn’t realize early on what problems this would create. She is now on her fourth marriage and has birthed six children. She hedges her bets that another kid will equal another check in the event of a breakup. She tried hard to leave me penniless and put our two young children, my parents, and me through utter hell. It was so transparent to anyone that her motives were all about money. In the end I got the kids, the house, and virtually all assets. Cost me a pretty penny in legal fees but plenty of satisfaction in seeing that miserable bitch leave the marriage the same way she came into it.
ETA: She was pretty distant in regards to being shown any affection. I would get home in the evenings and try to hug or kiss her and she would stiffen at being touched. Have talked to her other ex’s and found she was like this with them as well. On the issue of household chores, my current wife and I both work so we share those tasks but the first wife did not so I felt, and still feel, it was HER responsibility to keep the house as orderly as possible. More than once I got up in the morning only to find I had no clean work clothes.
This post was edited on 4/1/18 at 10:58 am
Posted on 4/1/18 at 11:04 am to Tempratt
Damn OP
Do you junk your car when it gets a flat?
If the paint starts peeling on your house, do you just burn the fricker down?
A marriage is no different: it requires maintenance.
Do you junk your car when it gets a flat?
If the paint starts peeling on your house, do you just burn the fricker down?
A marriage is no different: it requires maintenance.
Posted on 4/1/18 at 11:17 am to Tempratt
Are you not in the trust tree? The nest?
Posted on 4/1/18 at 11:58 am to BluegrassBelle
quote:
Because sometimes people can’t see the forest for the trees and need someone from outside the relationship to show them that.
Outdoor board, please. Tia
Posted on 4/1/18 at 3:43 pm to Tempratt
Guys do this to try to save their marriage, but the women has already moved on. Waste of time and money.
Posted on 4/1/18 at 4:29 pm to Tempratt
quote:
Work with me here. What is the point of marriage counseling other than spending a lot of money? If someone is already headed toward divorce then why bother fighting it off?
If a woman is talking splitting up, then the ship is sunk.
What am I missing?
Well, in my case the point was all about how everything that went wrong was my fault and everything that was good was to her credit.
Never let the woman choose the counselor, particularly if she has been in therapy before.
Even then, most of it is snake oil.
Posted on 4/1/18 at 6:57 pm to reo45
quote:
Marriage counseling is a fraud that makes me out to be the failure in a relationship. It is a waste of a mans time. Woman is never to blame and are the victim. A good man would have his house in order. When I was married my ex started becoming extremely selfish with time and events together.. She understood clearly tharmt on Fridays me and my friends went out and would be back later that night. She always could trust me and for the most part she did. One friday she had plans of her own that were cancelled on her at the last minute after having it planned out for over a week with some od her friends. Well, she tells me she wants me to tell my friends I wasnt going. I told her that is not being a friend and is ugly. I wouls not stand my friends up when we had plans. She got extremely emotional and said I didnt love her blah blah. Things went downhill from there and she wanted marriage counseling (no shite). The guy we saw listened to her bullshite and bought every bit of it. I attempted to explain to him what was the problem and he wouls have none of it. Told me i needed to put her first in all things and be the man, comforter. I got my shite and left her and his arse up at the church and went home. Got right up and left them. In the middle of listening to that load of shite. We divorced and I will never marry again. Ever. Dumbest thing a man could ever do unless he is a bitch. I know many who are the bitch in their households while the woman runs the show. Modern day cucks.
Based on your own account, I can see why she wanted to get help.
You’re right - marriage definitely isn’t for you. You sound really, really selfish.
This post was edited on 4/1/18 at 6:59 pm
Posted on 4/1/18 at 8:46 pm to Rhino67
All of these people bitching about how expensive it is. If you aren't willing to invest $100 here and there to work on your marriage then you are pretty damn selfish.
Posted on 4/1/18 at 9:22 pm to Tempratt
quote:
What am I missing?
A lick of sense.
Posted on 4/1/18 at 10:00 pm to Tempratt
Its probably a good thing if you start going while things in your marriage are good but people don’t go until things are too late so it never works
Posted on 4/1/18 at 10:10 pm to SCLibertarian
quote:
I find most people attend counseling to seek validation or approval for their pending split, especially women.
This describes my ex to a “T”. She went a grand total of two times. You obviously need more sessions to start seeing improvements. But, since counseling “didn’t work” from her perspective, she used it as justification to take our marriage to splitsville.
Posted on 4/2/18 at 12:26 am to Tempratt
quote:
whats the point?
There is no point, ppl dont change for long before they go back to being who they really were all along. If your SO ever brings up counseling, go ahead and start your D-lawyer fund me page.
Posted on 4/2/18 at 1:21 am to Tempratt
Therapy mostly only works if it is forward looking. If your marriage counselling is allowed to become a debate about who was more wrong in your historical fights all it will accomplish is entrenching the battle lines and making you hate each other even more.
No relationship of any sort can survive a focus on the things you have fought over dozens of times. Not a relationship with parents, not with siblings, and not with your spouse. If the hypothetical issue is housework (which I highly doubt since most people don't understand their own emotions) then pay a maid to clean up the house once a month. That gesture will allow you to show responsiveness and allow her to molify herself.
No relationship of any sort can survive a focus on the things you have fought over dozens of times. Not a relationship with parents, not with siblings, and not with your spouse. If the hypothetical issue is housework (which I highly doubt since most people don't understand their own emotions) then pay a maid to clean up the house once a month. That gesture will allow you to show responsiveness and allow her to molify herself.
Posted on 4/2/18 at 7:17 am to Tempratt
Marriage counseling only works if both parties want it to work and are open. Fiancée and I did premarital and it was a great experience. They had us take a few different personality tests then review the results together and discuss communication and conflict management. I walked out each time feeling as though there was no “he’s always right” or “she’s always right”. It helped as well the guy we went to didn’t sugar coat shite, didn’t preach avoidance and said if you do feel a certain way to stand up and don’t just agree about everything. Again, great experience for us but it will only be a good outcome if both parties are in it for the right reason, to strengthen the relationship.
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