re: Looks like it’s the end of the marriage line boys

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The willingness to fight for it and not take the easy route is something I'm proud of myself and my wife for.

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I appreciate that you worked it out, but I hate statements like this. Getting divorced was the hardest, shittiest thing I’ve ever experienced. Staying in a dysfunctional relationship would have been easier than dismantling more than a decade of the life we built. Miserable, but easy.

I hope people with marriage troubles have partners who are equally willing to put in the effort to work things out. But divorce is not the easy way out, and I don’t wish it on anyone.

What made it dysfunctional?

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What made it dysfunctional?

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He had bad depression and refused to get treatment. After many years with this dynamic, our relationship became codependent. I felt like it was my job to take care of him. Which exacerbated his inability/unwillingness to get help. I tried everything under the sun, and nothing would work. I finally reached my breaking point.

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Everyone from my wife (the husband's sister) to his mom has told him to shape up or expect Jody to woo her.

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maybe if "everyone" would stay the frick out of his marriage it might help?

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Almost 80% of my high school friends are on Marriage #2. I graduated in 2004.

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Graduated in 2004. I think two people from my wife and my HS classes that we associate with are divorced. None of our college friends are divorced either

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Y’all are probably both right.

There have been studies done on this (found one by the Pew Reasearch Center below ), but people who have mostly divorced friends are something like twice as likely to get divorced themselves as they would be if most of their friends were in stable marriages.

It’s intuitive when you think about it. Look at this thread. Lots of people are like, “Oh, well you gotta do this financially, get this lawyer, make sure you do this for the kids, you’ll be slaying strange in no time”. It was almost like, “Go for it...welcome to the club”.

Happily married friends will talk you back from the ledge. They’ll advocate for the good of your marriage (not just what’s good for you). Theyll point you to resources. They’ll take your kids for a night so you and the wife can reconnect.

If you want your marriage to succeed, make sure you surround yourself with people who are committed to staying together themselves.

EDIT: so y’all don’t think I’m talking out of my rear

Is divorce contagious?

My wife wants out right now. We separated for 2 months awhile back but she came back to soon and nothing changed. We went to counseling together once and it was about everything I did wrong. Nothing about her. We didn't go back because I was aggravated with the whole thing. I thought they would see us one on one and then gradually bring us together. Nope I was th he bad guy.

She moved out last time. This tim9im moving out. I asked if she would try marriage counseling again and she is iffy about it thinking nothing will change but I don't want to be another statistic. I have 2 young kids and while I'm hardly home I want my marriage to work. Our marriage just got stale to the point we hardly even talk to each other. I just don't believe we put an effort in to make it work but I don't give up easily. I don't think she wants our marriage to end but she says she doesn't love me anymore and wants nothing to do with me.

We talked for 2 hours yesterday and I believe it's best for us to split and work from there. She works until 5 so most marriage counselors close at 5 and she has had to take days off for the kids being sick so she can't take off anymore. I'm not a church goer but I think they have counselors there that might help on weekends. I'm going to try to salvage it to the best of my ability but it won't be easy. Divorce is the easy way out but it doesn't fix anything. Good luck OP.

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saintsfan1977

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Thanks for that man. This is something that didn't just pop up for me either, this is years in the making. Been to counselors & the preacher, left them all with no changes and just a bunch of finger pointing. We'd have a big blowout fight, slowly patch things up, then a couple of weeks later we'd be back to normal until the next blowout, which got progressively worse because past fights and events would return, and a little bit of the love would leave each time until there was none left. It's time to end the viscous cycle and move on. Have one kid and we're pretty agreeable on custody and temporary financial support until we can get a property settlement done. I see him several times a week regardless if he's staying with me or not. I'm just tired of us trying to work on things, when it really just turns out she wants only me to work on things and not change herself. When there's only negative in a relationship with no positives to level it out, sometimes it's better to change things up. I'd rather us be separated and stay friendly towards each other so that our kid can at least see that instead of us being, bitter, angry, and fighting all of the time. If I can work it out with her without going to a judge, possibly with a mediator, that's what we'll do. Neither one of us want to go to lawyer, but I need to at least consult with one to figure out the next steps.

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It’s pretty mutual and civil at this point. Considering a mediator.

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If this is true and you can both get along, you might consider sharing an attorney. When I got divorced I was in a similar situation. We were very civil, no cheating. We divvied up the crap ourselves and shared an attorney. His cost was around $600. He spent an hour with us to get the info. Add in court costs and it was around $800 total. We saved a ton in attorney fees.

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My wife wants out right now. We separated for 2 months awhile back but she came back to soon and nothing changed. We went to counseling together once and it was about everything I did wrong. Nothing about her. We didn't go back because I was aggravated with the whole thing. I thought they would see us one on one and then gradually bring us together. Nope I was th he bad guy.

She moved out last time. This tim9im moving out. I asked if she would try marriage counseling again and she is iffy about it thinking nothing will change but I don't want to be another statistic. I have 2 young kids and while I'm hardly home I want my marriage to work. Our marriage just got stale to the point we hardly even talk to each other. I just don't believe we put an effort in to make it work but I don't give up easily. I don't think she wants our marriage to end but she says she doesn't love me anymore and wants nothing to do with me.

We talked for 2 hours yesterday and I believe it's best for us to split and work from there. She works until 5 so most marriage counselors close at 5 and she has had to take days off for the kids being sick so she can't take off anymore. I'm not a church goer but I think they have counselors there that might help on weekends. I'm going to try to salvage it to the best of my ability but it won't be easy. Divorce is the easy way out but it doesn't fix anything. Good luck OP.

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I’m so sorry going through this but I’m really happy to hear that you’re willing to fight. Whatever happens, I don’t think you’ll regret that decision.

Nothing wrong at all with separating while you continue to try to work things out, but is the fact that your gone a lot a problem for her? If so, maybe you can reconfigure your work life so you’re around more even if you’re temporarily not living together?

Also, about counseling. You should definitely find another one if you think they’re ganging up on you. But I will say this, usually, a counselor will try to assess all the issues and will kind of triage them in the order of which he/she believes is the greatest threat to the marriage. For instance, you might have issues A and B, she might have C and D. Issue C might be pretty obvious compared to the rest, but if A and B are causing you both to want to bolt then those get addressed first. It’s not necessarily that you have more/worse issues, it could be that yours are more likely to end the marriage so they’re the priority.

This is how it was with us. My wife actually had/has more things to work on, but one of mine in particular (withdrawing/avoiding conflict) was what was driving us apart, so we spent weeks on that before we dealt with anything else.

Last thing, it’s devastating to hear your wife say “I don’t love you anymore”, but try not to internalize that. Just refuse that narrative all together. You’re still the guy she fell in love with and said yes to. Nobody changes that much and any changes that have occurred, you can undo with some help. Your willingness to fight for her tells me that you’ve completely capabale if winning her back.

Good luck my friend, I’m pulling for you both!