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re: Looking for Parenting Tip
Posted on 7/29/21 at 8:28 pm to chilge2
Posted on 7/29/21 at 8:28 pm to chilge2
Man, that’s rough. I have a much younger daughter and can’t imagine how much stress that must cause.. I’m dreading the teenage years.
There’s a lot to unpack between the OP and your responses (specifically about the biological father having schizophrenia). One thing I’ll say - be careful taking advice on this from of a bunch of randos on the OT. Especially the ones saying shite like “my daughter knows there would be hell to pay” etc.
The reality is that most of these people have not dealt with anything remotely similar to your situation. Going full-on a-hole might work, or it might push her away and make things way worse. 14 is not 7 or 8, and we are obviously not talking about someone who’s never been in trouble before.
I would agree with the posters that suggest doing everything you can to make it difficult for her to get into a bad situation. Think of it like baby proofing - only instead you’re “teenage-proofing.” Whether you frame that as punishment or looking out for her is up to you. I’ll just say this: tough love doesn’t work without love. It’s not enough to feel it, she has to know you feel it.
Lastly, I would not discount the risk of schizophrenia or other psychiatric illnesses. Having a father with schizophrenia is a huge risk factor. It sounds like you have already seen a psychiatrist, so hopefully that is being addressed.
All of that said, I don’t know what you’re going through any more than the rest of this board. Take this advice with a grain of salt just like the rest of it, and listen to the few people who have been there. Best of luck.
There’s a lot to unpack between the OP and your responses (specifically about the biological father having schizophrenia). One thing I’ll say - be careful taking advice on this from of a bunch of randos on the OT. Especially the ones saying shite like “my daughter knows there would be hell to pay” etc.
The reality is that most of these people have not dealt with anything remotely similar to your situation. Going full-on a-hole might work, or it might push her away and make things way worse. 14 is not 7 or 8, and we are obviously not talking about someone who’s never been in trouble before.
I would agree with the posters that suggest doing everything you can to make it difficult for her to get into a bad situation. Think of it like baby proofing - only instead you’re “teenage-proofing.” Whether you frame that as punishment or looking out for her is up to you. I’ll just say this: tough love doesn’t work without love. It’s not enough to feel it, she has to know you feel it.
Lastly, I would not discount the risk of schizophrenia or other psychiatric illnesses. Having a father with schizophrenia is a huge risk factor. It sounds like you have already seen a psychiatrist, so hopefully that is being addressed.
All of that said, I don’t know what you’re going through any more than the rest of this board. Take this advice with a grain of salt just like the rest of it, and listen to the few people who have been there. Best of luck.
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Posted on 7/29/21 at 8:35 pm to chilge2
I always tried to explain the negative consequences of the actions they take and is that something you want? Pregnancy, DWI, addiction, being homeless, jail, death. Kids think differently. Will pray for y’all. Please seek counseling and try to be non-judgmental. Good luck.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 8:45 pm to chilge2
Think you need quite a few tips at this point, sounds like your 14 year old is well past just the tip
Posted on 7/29/21 at 8:52 pm to chilge2
Posted on 7/29/21 at 8:56 pm to chilge2
quote:
Daughter (14) snuck out of the house the other night to spend the night alone with two boys her age. This coming after she's been cutting herself, stealing from her siblings, vaping excessively, and lying to us the whole time (3+ years).
I am unbelievably pissed. Wife thinks I'm being too harsh and that we need to empathize so she doesn't do anything drastic to permanently harm herself.
Thoughts?
If this isn’t a troll, then you’re in for a long road. Just hope it’s not borderline. If it is, then unfortunately there is no real help to be had. Most seasoned professionals will legitimately refuse therapy once diagnosed, because this disorder can negatively affect the therapist trying to help.
Need to document everything, and take it and her to a psychiatrist. OT can’t help, and neither can regular parenting tips.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 8:56 pm to chilge2
quote:is her name Alyssa? Alyssa Jones?
Daughter (14) snuck out of the house the other night to spend the night alone with two boys her age.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 8:57 pm to chilge2
I was a juvenile probation officer for 10+ yrs & while that does not make me an expert, by any means, I know where 90% of the young girls I saw go down this path ended up: pregnant, in some sort of criminal legal trouble & habitual runaways / on the streets. But her rebellious issues are one thing, cutting herself is a serious psychological problem that requires professional help. With cutting, the "game" is to get off on the pain. Continuing down that path takes more & more pain to meet that fix. It is a very serious
mental condition that can easily lead down a dangerous path. Every child is different & there is no ONE way to handle this. But, from afar, you & your wife are close to being in over your heads if you are not already. Seek professional help.....yesterday. She's 14.....where will she be at 15 - 16?
mental condition that can easily lead down a dangerous path. Every child is different & there is no ONE way to handle this. But, from afar, you & your wife are close to being in over your heads if you are not already. Seek professional help.....yesterday. She's 14.....where will she be at 15 - 16?
Posted on 7/29/21 at 8:59 pm to chilge2
Therapeutic boarding school.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:00 pm to tigergirl10
quote:
Don’t you dump your kids off all day at daycare?
One is at before and after care only before and after school. The other, a baby, stays with my wife’s retired parents all day. As soon as my mom retires she will watch the kids for us. Before/after care is only a temporary place holder for now.
But keep being a judgmental bitch.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:02 pm to chilge2
When’s the last time you told her you loved her? Or gave her a hug? Or you were proud of her?
Bet it’s been a long arse time.
Bet it’s been a long arse time.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:07 pm to PTBob
When is the last time he told her NO, no you can’t have this cell phone, no you can’t use the WiFi, no you can’t go out with friends, no you can’t have privileges… my job is to keep you alive, make sure you go to school and get a education, everything else is EARNED not given..
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:08 pm to chilge2
Military School
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:09 pm to chilge2
Sounds like wife is enabling her. Maybe therapy for the cutting?
This post was edited on 7/29/21 at 9:10 pm
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:14 pm to chilge2
Rewind time to the point that identifies the root issue, where she never quite fully gained respect for you and your wife, appreciation for herself, life and her own self respect...
Did you teach her these important life lessons? If not, why not?
Did she not learn these important life lessons? If not, why not?
Why did she not gain self value to not allow this to happen? Did you teach her these important lessons?
If not, why not? Did she not learn these important life lessons? If not, why not?
At this point, you don't need tips.
You need root cause understanding so you can address way forward.
Good luck! Sincere wishes that she gets on the path that is positive.
Did you teach her these important life lessons? If not, why not?
Did she not learn these important life lessons? If not, why not?
Why did she not gain self value to not allow this to happen? Did you teach her these important lessons?
If not, why not? Did she not learn these important life lessons? If not, why not?
At this point, you don't need tips.
You need root cause understanding so you can address way forward.
Good luck! Sincere wishes that she gets on the path that is positive.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:19 pm to chilge2
Problem #1
You & wife aren't united
You & wife aren't united
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:20 pm to chilge2
quote:
I am unbelievably pissed. Wife thinks I'm being too harsh and that we need to empathize so she doesn't do anything drastic to permanently harm herself.
Your wife is your daughter's biggest problem. With this mentality this has led your daughter to disobey knowing there will be no consequences.
The Word of God says, "Thrash their sides while they are still young or they WILL disobey."
The disobedience is not optional. It will happen if the child was not properly corrected during their youth as God intended, not as clueless liberals intended.
HERE ARE OTHER QUOTES OF THE SAME VERSE.
quote:
SIRACH CHAPTER 30 VERSE 12:
Good News Translation
Whip him while he is still a child, and make him respect your authority. If you don't, he will be stubborn and disobedient and cause you nothing but sorrow.
Contemporary English Version
Break their stubbornness by whipping them while they are young, or else they will disobey you and bring you deep sorrow.
Douay-Rheims Bible
Bow down his neck while he is young, and beat his sides while he is a child, lest he grow stubborn, and regard thee not, and so be a sorrow of heart to thee.
New American Bible
Bow down his head in his youth, beat his sides while he is still young, Lest he become stubborn and disobey you, and leave you disconsolate.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:24 pm to chilge2
quote:
Daughter (14) snuck out of the house the other night to spend the night alone with two boys her age. This coming after she's been cutting herself, stealing from her siblings, vaping excessively, and lying to us the whole time (3+ years).
I realize this is the OT and people bullshite a lot here. However, I lived what you just described literally. If this is true, I’ll be happy to give you some advice. My daughter, now a productive member of society at 24, just left our house with her boyfriend. It took a lot of time, medication, and counseling to get her there. If you’d like some honest opinions on what to do, I’m happy to discuss it.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:42 pm to chilge2
That's rough. If she is cutting there are other issues at play, and probably some trauma that you and your wife are not aware of. I also recommend Genesis if you are in Baton Rouge. They specialize in teens, and they can absolutely help her. I work in mental health, so have some knowledge of this. Get her into therapy, and the family into therapy. I also agree with others, don't be her friend, be her dad. Be supportive of her, love her, but be firm. Good luck!
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:46 pm to chilge2
Quit being a friend and start being a father. Kick her arse, take stuff away. Especially the phone.
Posted on 7/29/21 at 9:52 pm to chilge2
Empathy doesn't mean allow & tolerate.
Do you or her mom actually know her? I would bet neither of you do.
What does she like to do for fun/hobbies? Find something positive she likes and encourage but don't push.
How is school for her? I expect a lot of her issues start there.
The cutting is the biggest issue but it requires a delicate approach. That's feeling empty & crying on the inside.
She needs parents from you & mom, not friends or prison guards.
Talk with her when she wants to talk and let her talk. Don't talk at her or you risk driving her away.
Talk to your other kids and find out wtf is going on. They probably know more than you.
Go get real help with her
*be weary of looking for a pill to fix the issues unless she truly has issues like her biological father. Try to get the actual issue addressed.
Do you or her mom actually know her? I would bet neither of you do.
What does she like to do for fun/hobbies? Find something positive she likes and encourage but don't push.
How is school for her? I expect a lot of her issues start there.
The cutting is the biggest issue but it requires a delicate approach. That's feeling empty & crying on the inside.
She needs parents from you & mom, not friends or prison guards.
Talk with her when she wants to talk and let her talk. Don't talk at her or you risk driving her away.
Talk to your other kids and find out wtf is going on. They probably know more than you.
Go get real help with her
*be weary of looking for a pill to fix the issues unless she truly has issues like her biological father. Try to get the actual issue addressed.
This post was edited on 7/29/21 at 10:09 pm
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