re: Husbands that constantly boss their wives around

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We ate with a pretty big group after church today and two different couples were ruining it because the husbands kept constantly bossing the wives around and treating them like shite.n

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Subtle “I ate with Paul Allen and Tigerbaitn08” brag.

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Husbands that constantly boss their wives around

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It’s called being alpha. You wouldn’t understand.

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The guy treats the wife like she’s completely incompetent at everything

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How do you know she's not?

LucasP wasn’t bossed around.

Jesus, you and OweO are abysmal with the long “personal” vignettes.

#freeLucasP

You don’t really need to know all that many details about a relationship to recognize when two insecure, co-dependent people have found each other and can’t or won’t let go. Whatever else is going on with them behind closed doors, that’s what it always boils down to.

If he went to the right church (muslim church) he could just beat his wife. But not in the face and not more than 10 times for the same thing.

I don't think you're asking to get honest feedback but I'll give it to you anyway.

I used to be one of those guys.

For me at least, it had nothing to do with being a "boss" being an "alpha" or showing anybody anything. It stemmed from pure frustration that had developed over years, day in and day out. I'll explain.

I'm an anal perfectionist. I'm very regimented, very orderly, everything has a place, everything in its place.

My wife is not. Really, really NOT.

For example, she's constantly freaking out and rushing around because she never puts her purse, keys or anything else in the same spot twice. She just randomly plops shite down wherever and then goes crazy trying to find it all the time. When I get home my wallet, keys, chapstick and flashlight come right out of my pockets and into the same spot everytime. The problem for her is exacerbated by the fact that she's not a timely person. Or I should say, she's always exactly on time but the problem with that is that she burns every free minute she has so she's constantly rushing around to get ready. Whereas I'm the guy that will get up extra early so that I can take my time and have a stress free morning and then I actually get there 10 to 15 minutes early.

Another example, the new dishwasher we have doesn't have a light that stays on when it's finished the cycle so you never really know if the dishes are dirty or not. We pre-rinse our dishes before they go in the machine so most of the time it's impossible to tell if they're dirty or not. We discussed and agreed that the only way to make this work is to leave the door cracked after the cycle is over so we'll both know that the dishes that are in there are clean. Now you're probably saying to yourself, if you have to grab something out of the dishwasher after they're done, why not just unload the whole dishwasher? Well, I can't get her to do that. So next best thing is to try to just get her to remember to leave a cracked open if she has to grab something out of it after the cycle is done. I. Can't. Get. Her. To. Do. It. This results in either one of us putting dirty dishes in a clean dishwasher.

Another, she brings two big arse coffee thermoses, a yoga mat, a gym bag, and it feels like 10 other things with her to the gym in the morning before she goes straight to work. She leaves the shite in the car when she gets home after work. It fills the trunk and the inside of the car up and occupies our only two cup holders, so when I get in the car I have no place to put anything. It also means that the next morning she has to go out in the cold, in the dark, and/or in the rain and gather up all that shite to get it ready for that day instead of just bringing it up the night before when she walked inside. Causing her an extra trip up and down the stairs and out to the driveway and in and out the car.

Another one is her plopping her shoes and clothes down wherever she takes them off.

And here's yet another -



And I never even bitched at her about that one because that's better than the other 90% of the time she handles the toilet paper roll -



You see, it's not any one specific thing. It's these things x1000, every day, over a period of 7,300 days. That's going to wear on a guy's nerves and caused him to be testy around his wife.

As I mentioned, I used to be that guy. I'm not like that to her anymore. Not even in private. I don't necessarily ignore problems and bad habits she has but I don't jump down her throat about it anymore. At some point not too long ago she broke down and told me how much it was stressing her out and how much it was causing her to resent me and be fearful of talking to me. She's a very sweet girl and very type B and came from an abusive childhood so she was never going to be one to stand up to me. She just doesn't develop new habits or break old habits very easily. Or at all.

After that I came to the realization that all my bitching at her wasn't really doing anything but driving a wedge between us. It wasn't making her a better person. But looking back, I had come to realize that when two people are together as long as we've been you do have a subconscious long-term effect on one another. Because she's so easy going and laid-back I'm not nearly as anal as I used to be and because I'm so anal she's a lot more particular than she used to be. We've had a mediating effect on one another and it's made us both better people.

Maybe you can share this recovering assholes story those other men at the table.

ETA: As others have mentioned, it's not a husband-wife thing. It's not drawn along gender lines. My mom is the same way I am with her husband. My mom is like me and my step-dad is like my wife. They deal with the same issue. It's a personality-type conflict. But as they say, it takes all kinds to make the world go round.

And his name is LucasP, a-hole.

I bet they make good sammiches

The narcissistic and abusive spouse is not exclusive to gender. Are you familiar with the word “ nag” ? There is a reason you know that word, because it’s a highly common trait.