re: Guys who got divorced with kids; how do you deal with being away from your kids?

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how do you deal with being away from your kids?

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I work in oilfield. I've always been away from them. I'm hoping to get into an apprenticeship this summer and have them full time until they graduate.

Going through a divorce now. It’s hard but I can see my son whenever I want. Me and my soon to be ex don’t want to make things any harder on our son than they already are.

For context, I have one. A daughter, she is 9 now. My exwife has her every Monday and Tuesday. I have her every Wednesday and Thursday. We rotate with each having her every other weekend.

I use our time apart to recharge. I spend time with my girlfriend, go to the gym, travel some, take care of the house.

When she comes back to me, I am rested and ready to give her my best efforts. I am a better Dad now than when I was with her Mom, who could still the joy from a Saint.

In three words I can explain all of this: Life goes on…

You will learn a new normal. Sometimes, it’s better than the old.

It does but it is not about you anymore. I gave up Christmas morning, Thanksgiving and Fathers Day because my ex had a big family and I have no brothers or sisters. So I let my kids spend the holidays with all of the cousins, etc. More fun for them than hanging with just me. We took great trips and had fun every time we were together. They turned out ok. One is a teacher and the other one an accountant. Put their needs before yours.

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She is becoming harder to figure out.

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As a dad of two girls that have grown up, gotten married and have kids of their own, here is my advice on this...

Keep in mind that however difficult it is for you to "figure out" your girl, she is probably experiencing the same thing except more so... And the world that she lives in (friends, school, ect..) are not going to be too helpful..

IMO.. (and I am no expert!) the key is being patient, having some level of thick skin, and continually making efforts to get into their world and hear/understand what they are feeling and experiencing.. Which is usually a monumental task for any dad and their daughter...

The effort I made along those lines was to be a source of love and affirmation to them.. This is not random in the sense we all have our own unique love language and requires you to understand what your daughter's love language is... In times of turmoil (of which there were a constant cycle of... "wink wink") I would either simply shelter through the storm or in some cases ask questions (which were generally genuine) to try and connect with them emotionally to understand what they are going through (This requires listening.. ) generally they will come to understand and appreciate the empathy ... Any boundary issues that need to be addressed are usually best addressed after the storm has passed! At the end of the day its about helping your daughter through this transition emotionally and coming out on the other side of it with a deeper father/daughter bond...

Finally keep in mind (at least in the beginning) your daughter will be as confused and bewildered as you.. So patience and playing the long game is important..

Hope this helps...

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I use our time apart to recharge. I spend time with my girlfriend, go to the gym, travel some, take care of the house. When she comes back to me, I am rested and ready to give her my best efforts.

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This. Anything else will drive you insane. Holidays suck major arse.

You gotta do what my SIL ex husband did and find a great, patient and strong woman to handle all of the adult things. Even though she's out of his league physically and financially he kept cheating so she left him. Dude spent the last 2 years of the marriage trying to start a construction company that never profited a dime and he eventually got removed from by his partner. After the divorce the guy gets to stay at her house and watch the kids while she works. He just had her cancel a Disney trip bc he pitched a fit he wasn't invited. He's essentially a deadbeat nanny.

This is so true. It can screw with your career because you don’t want to move away from your kids. I did this for three years and ended up coming back.

I basically was numb after I dropped him off until I wpuld get him back. I filled that time with anything to keep me distracted working out, drinking, smoking, work, video games. It got easier after I got together with my wife and kids, but it always stings when he leaves

FaceTime was not a thing yet so that was not an option I think that could really help with missing them so much.

It’s awful, spent a lot of time dating around just because I hated being alone. It really doesn’t get better but be honest with your kids and they will see the truth in the matter. It is to the point now where they dread going to their moms and the oldest kids asked to live with me. Now even the youngest starting high school is refusing to live with her. The saddest part is she moved an hour away and she is okay with them living with me. I don’t know what would make a mom just check out but honestly I think it has a lot to do with her own upbringing. I still encourage them to spend time with her and I never say a negative thing about her. Keep this attitude and as they get older they will know the truth. Remarried a great girl and she is wonderful with my kids and they love her to death. Life is good although it took some time, hang in there.