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Started By
Message
Need Miscarriage Advice (update Pg 3, Miscarriage Official)
Posted on 10/13/15 at 12:56 pm
Posted on 10/13/15 at 12:56 pm
My wife and I have been trying for a while and we received the good news not too long ago that we are expecting #3. Through our joy, it was brought to light that one of the guys I supervise, his wife is pregnant as well. They were about a week ahead of us. However, things took a turn for the worst this weekend and his wife has started bleeding and is cramping. These are obvious signs of a miscarriage, and my wife and I have no idea what to do. Our wives were always talking about baby stuff, this and that, etc., but now we are sort of feeling depressed about being pregnant. They shared their news on Facebook already about being pregnant, and we have not disclosed it yet. We sort of feel like if we were to post about it, we would be rubbing it in their face. Any time they see our baby #3, it may remind them of what they could be experiencing right now.
How can I help him and his wife in this troubling time? Flowers, Candy, Card? I've never experienced a miscarriage this close to someone I know. Also, how can I help myself and my wife not feel guilty about our pregnancy but still be mindful of our close friends?
How can I help him and his wife in this troubling time? Flowers, Candy, Card? I've never experienced a miscarriage this close to someone I know. Also, how can I help myself and my wife not feel guilty about our pregnancy but still be mindful of our close friends?
This post was edited on 10/14/15 at 10:15 am
27
Posted on 10/13/15 at 12:57 pm to USAF Hart
there wasn't always a facebook. I wonder how people found out about pregnancies back then....
Posted on 10/13/15 at 12:59 pm to USAF Hart
First, wait for confirmation.
Secondly, be respectful in front of them, but you shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed.
Secondly, be respectful in front of them, but you shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed.
Posted on 10/13/15 at 12:59 pm to USAF Hart
quote:
Flowers, Candy, Card?
I doubt any of this useless crap will help.
Ive had multiple friends lose babies(albeit i wasnt having one). Best thing our friends did was just to be their friends and be there for them.
I didnt release how common miscarriages were until my friends started having them.
Posted on 10/13/15 at 12:59 pm to USAF Hart
I read a really good blog post on this a while back, but can't find it now. check out /r/miscarriage for some good advice.
Posted on 10/13/15 at 12:59 pm to USAF Hart
Tough, Man.
My wife had a miscarriage during the first trimester when we were pregnant with our fourth. Fortunately, she got pregnant a few months later with the girl that eventually became our fourth.
There's not a ton you can do other than be there for support and an open forum. Let them know that this is very common, more common than most know (DR told us this). There's hope ahead to try again.
My wife had a miscarriage during the first trimester when we were pregnant with our fourth. Fortunately, she got pregnant a few months later with the girl that eventually became our fourth.
There's not a ton you can do other than be there for support and an open forum. Let them know that this is very common, more common than most know (DR told us this). There's hope ahead to try again.
Posted on 10/13/15 at 1:01 pm to USAF Hart
I can't imagine everyone would handle it the same. So I have no idea what one should do. I know I'd probably take it differently than most and not really want to hear about it from too many people. There's probably only 3 or 4 people I'd be able to talk to it about with, but I'm a relatively private person. I did (and still do) have pretty strict opinions about what my wife throws up on facebook regarding the pregnancy and our son because of this type of stuff though.
This post was edited on 10/13/15 at 1:03 pm
Posted on 10/13/15 at 1:02 pm to USAF Hart
quote:
We sort of feel like if we were to post about it, we would be rubbing it in their face. Any time they see our baby #3, it may remind them of what they could be experiencing right now.
If you really want to share on fb there is the ability to filter them out so they can't see the post.
You can target who sees anything you post on your feed on fb.
This post was edited on 10/13/15 at 1:06 pm
Posted on 10/13/15 at 1:04 pm to USAF Hart
quote:
We sort of feel like if we were to post about it, we would be rubbing it in their face. Any time they see our baby #3, it may remind them of what they could be experiencing right now.
honestly that is their issue and not yours. while you need to be respectful of other's problems, you shouldn't hide your joyful news b.c they had a miscarriage. Maybe wait a few weeks if you are really worried. But you have a right to share your joy.
I have no suggestion how to support the miscarriage, maybe tell them they are in your thoughts / prayers.
Posted on 10/13/15 at 1:04 pm to USAF Hart
Just be there for them....if they want you to. His wife may have a hard time being near your wife. Nothing personal, it just may be difficult for her to be near pregnant women right now.
Close friend of mine has had 2 miscarriages less than a year apart. The last one was actually the day after she had confided to me that she was 8 weeks pregnant. I saw her again about a month or so after that and just let her lead the conversation. Figured if she wanted to talk about it with me, she would bring it up. Instead she talked about a recent trip she had taken. So I didn't bring it up and just let her be my entire focus of our lunch together. So all you can do, is just be a friend at this point. No need for flowers, etc imo, just your friendship and support.
Close friend of mine has had 2 miscarriages less than a year apart. The last one was actually the day after she had confided to me that she was 8 weeks pregnant. I saw her again about a month or so after that and just let her lead the conversation. Figured if she wanted to talk about it with me, she would bring it up. Instead she talked about a recent trip she had taken. So I didn't bring it up and just let her be my entire focus of our lunch together. So all you can do, is just be a friend at this point. No need for flowers, etc imo, just your friendship and support.
Posted on 10/13/15 at 1:10 pm to USAF Hart
I think when he tells you, you just offer condolences and comfort.
No reason to feel bad about your own pregnancy, but I would be subdued around this couple when it comes to baby conversations.
My wife had a miscarriage, it's more common than you think. But it is a difficult process to go through, especially for the wife.
No reason to feel bad about your own pregnancy, but I would be subdued around this couple when it comes to baby conversations.
My wife had a miscarriage, it's more common than you think. But it is a difficult process to go through, especially for the wife.
Posted on 10/13/15 at 1:11 pm to USAF Hart
It's really tough. I still think it was one of the big factors contributing to the failure of my marriage.
What ever you do don't close up. Be there for her and the way she needs you to be.
What ever you do don't close up. Be there for her and the way she needs you to be.
This post was edited on 10/13/15 at 1:14 pm
Posted on 10/13/15 at 1:21 pm to USAF Hart
(no message)
This post was edited on 10/13/15 at 1:23 pm
Posted on 10/13/15 at 1:22 pm to USAF Hart
quote:
How can I help him and his wife in this troubling time? Flowers, Candy, Card? I've never experienced a miscarriage this close to someone I know. Also, how can I help myself and my wife not feel guilty about our pregnancy but still be mindful of our close friends?
Just donate one of your little crumb crunchers to them. Problem solved.
Posted on 10/13/15 at 1:43 pm to USAF Hart
I think you should just offer to come over one night and get his wife pregnant for him. Y'all should get together and grill steaks and watch football and during the evening, Maybe halftime, you just take her in the back and beat it up and then come back and watch the game.
But…I wouldn't make a big deal of it. Just look at it like borrowing a saw or weedeater or something.
But…I wouldn't make a big deal of it. Just look at it like borrowing a saw or weedeater or something.
This post was edited on 10/13/15 at 1:44 pm
Posted on 10/13/15 at 3:35 pm to USAF Hart
I've been that guy before, while I cant speak for him I can tell you about our experience. My wife was pregnant with our #3 and some friends of ours were pregnant with their #3 as well. We both have two other boys of the same ages. We unfortunatly lost ours and they carried to term and now have their 3rd son. We never resented them, though my wife blamed herself. Nothing was held against them, but we did try to avoid reading their posts on facebook. This happened almost 3 years ago and it still hurts like yesterday sometimes. I would never want to detract from your happines of having a child, even though we weren't as fortunate. My advice would be to keep them in mind, but dont let them make you want to hide your joy.
Posted on 10/13/15 at 3:39 pm to USAF Hart
A miscarriage in the early weeks usually means somethings was wrong the child an nature had to step in. In the middle of the second trimester IMO is a child lost. They will be able to recover in time just don't harp on it in their presence.
This post was edited on 10/13/15 at 3:41 pm
Posted on 10/13/15 at 3:55 pm to USAF Hart
Sorry to hear that....
Now to use some NCO knowledge and concentrate on the AF 4 pillars of wellness, and what you've learned through all your resiliency training....you know what to do
Now to use some NCO knowledge and concentrate on the AF 4 pillars of wellness, and what you've learned through all your resiliency training....you know what to do
Posted on 10/13/15 at 4:11 pm to USAF Hart
quote:
How can I help him and his wife in this troubling time? Flowers, Candy, Card? I've never experienced a miscarriage this close to someone I know. Also, how can I help myself and my wife not feel guilty about our pregnancy but still be mindful of our close friends?
My wife miscarried last year, a week after her best friend announced on Facebook. Their due dates were a week apart from each other.
Honestly, I would be lying to you if I said my wife wasn't angry and jealous of her friend. She was mad at the world, and everyone around her. I can easily see how women commit suicide over this sort of thing. Wife went through all the classic steps of grieving- depression, despair, anger, loneliness etc.
With all that said, it also seems like everyone reacts differently to miscarriages. I would reach out and just try to talk to them. Don't assume (or say) you know how they feel. Just ask how are they doing today. Ask if they want company. Try and get the guy out for a beer and feel out how his wife (and he) is doing. I know that worked for us. Good luck.
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