re: Whats the craziest "almost shite my pants" story you got?

All I know is, my colon can be as quiet as a still lake all day and then turn into a bubbling cauldron as soon as I get within 5 minutes of my office.

Lakeside mall as a kid

Tore up the cafe du monde bathrom, when I opened the stall there was no toilet paper and piss all over the seat but i could not make it to the next spot. Just hovered and had to wait for someone to come into the stall next to me to ask for toilet paper because this was before cell phones. Only one person came in and he gave me like 2 pieces of that 1 ply stuff while laughing, no one else came for so long that I decided to waddle my way to another mall toilet and clean throughly

Have had several close calls thanks to the causway bridge or boats, when I was younger I would get anxiety about not being in places that you couldn't shite which would make me have to shite. So long bridges, boats with no bathrooms, traffic were rough. Definitely hung of the side of a few boats in my day. Sorry if any of yall were the scuba divers training around the oil rigs at the time

Played in a flag football league with some of my buddies back in college. One day we played about an hour off campus, so after class I hopped in my buddy's car and rode with him.
After the game, we stopped at a gas station where I made the unfortunate decision to buy a couple hot dogs. 20 minutes down the road it hit me and I told him he better be finding a toilet quick, but he thought it was too funny to stop I guess.
I managed to hold it long enough to get back to campus and waddle in the building, and the closer I got to the toilet the closer I came to disaster. Made it to the restroom only to find the door was locked bc the janitor was in there cleaning. I tried to make it back to my car but halfway there I crapped all over myself. Luckily, I still had the clothes I changed out of after class.

10 years later and my friend still doesn't know this happened after he dropped me off at my car.

Not me,but i went to a rural Alabama gas station where someone laid a deuce on the bathroom floor just a mere 8 feet from the stall.

Whoever it was, didnt even bother to pick it up .

Rookie year of trucking. Stopped at Soulman's BBQ in Van TX for some good eatin. Had the 2 meat plate with tater salad and baked beans. Got back in the rig and started driving. Got through Ft Worth and it felt like i got punched in the stomach. 15 years ago highway 287 didn't have as many truck stops out there as they have now, and I wasn't going to make it to Wichita Falls. Stopped at a "picnic area" and quickly swapped out my garbage bag in the can for a fresh one and had to use the arm rests for support to shite in the can. Felt like an instance where I lost 10 pounds in a couple of minutes. Used some paper towels to wipe, dropped that bag off in the dumpster and kept going.

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You ever notice how the closer you get to the toilet

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arse can smell porcelain

Flying in a puddle jumper to Tupelo in heavy fog. Plane came out of the fog and missed the runway. Luckily the pilot pulled up at the last second. He got it right the second time around.

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It started oozing out on a plane and the bathroom was occupied. Flight attendant wouldn’t let me stand waiting so I had to sit down on it in my seat. Had a major cleanup operation.

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Got a Jersey Mikes sub while waiting before a flight back to Nola. About half way through noticed the lettuce was badly wilted and stopped eating but didn’t think much of it.

On flight as we are nearing the landing phase. I feel a strong pain and intense urge to go. The full landing announcement comes on. All seat back up. Everyone buckled. I have to try and hold it. The pressure builds like the devil is turning a dial on a vat of acid in my colon.

Finally I can’t take it anymore. I unbuckle and start doing a weird hunch walk/run towards the front. Stewardess yells at me to sit down. I telll her “m’am, what’s about to happen can happen in the bathroom or it can happen out here , but it’s happening now.” She sees the desperation and maybe senses the evil intent within me. She motions for me to continue. I make it to the bathroom just in time and half my body seems to fall out. As if someone hung me up and cut me in half at the waist and all my insides just plopped out at the same time. Plane lands while I’m in there battling.

I’m out just as we finish taxiing. Unfortunately for every exiting passenger Air flow starts cutting off seconds later as we make the gate so they all have to walk by the bathroom.

Bonus - had to go violently again in the bathroom by luggage claim and again when I got home.

First final in college. Calculus. Like four classes took the final at the same time in a big auditorium.

For some reason I psyched myself out even though I had taken calculus in high school. Sat down, bowels go instant liquid. I took the final in 5 minutes and ran out of the auditorium.

It was a shockingly close call.

Second final was some history class. Teacher handed out the test and before I even started reading it a breeze knocked it off my desk and it got sucked up an air vent.

I was convinced I was cursed.