Today was the funeral for my youngest son

He was born in 1981 and was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis in 1982. His average life expectancy at this time was 16 to 18 years. God gave us and him a tremendous cross to bear. He made it to the age of 42. On January 12, we found his body in his bedroom. When you have an unexplained death, it is treated as a potential homicide. They left his body on the floor for 3 hours while they did the required investigation. He was then taken away for autopsy. The remains were released to us on January 21. We will not know the cause of death for at least 6 weeks. At his friend’s request, we held a memorial service at the funeral home and then took his ashes with us to a bar he favored. His ashes were on a table next to me and my wife. We held a different type of wake. We had around 100 relatives and friends of Jeff there. There were several drinks for Jeff on the table next to his urn.

The sorrow for this makes my wife and I feel totally numb. The sobs and tears come in waves. A memory of him as a child, seeing some item in the grocery store that he liked, or just watching his dog look for him, and the emotions come to bear. They are flowing now as I write this. I had started a project scanning all of the family photos from albums into a digital picture frame. I know the memories will flow over me and it will be like several tidal waves of emotion. But if I do not do this then I run the risk of forgetting some of the precious time we had with him on this earth. I try to look on this as if God has decided to give us another cross to bear. I keep on asking God, I had my life, I am 74, why did you not take me? But that is not how this works. I have no choice but to honor his memory and lead the best life I can with the time I have left in this world and to not forget him. May God keep all of your children safe and may you never have the heartbreak of arranging your child’s funeral.