The New Iberia Haircut: A Pictorial History

The other thread got me to thinking that many of you are unaware of the iconic cultural significance of the New Iberia Haircut, the custodians of which reside in our very own back yard.

It all began in 206 BC, during the 2nd Punic War, when Roman general Publius Cornelius Gotchernose Scipio Africanus conquered Hispania and secured the peninsula of Old Iberia.

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The locals were impressed with his quiet power, and emulated his neat, efficient haircut. However, being provincial agrarian dipshits, they didn't quite get it right. Thus, the New Iberia Haircut was born.



The haircut stayed localized to the peninsula for a century and a half, when a young Roman general named Julius Caesar, seeking a way to conceal his embarrassing, receding hairline, encountered the haircut while on his famous military campaign of Gaul and greater Europe. We know that he'd had at least one man executed for staring at his hair, and it was well known that no man with bad hair could conquer an empire, so Caesar did something that would soon sweep the world.



Armed with this new haircut technology, Caesar began his epic conquest of Gaul, culminating in the double siege of Alesia, after which he and some baws accepted the surrender of the inferior, mulleted Vercingetorix .

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After crossing the Rubicon River and seizing control of Rome, Caesar's haircut would sweep the known world, as Roman coins spread his likeness to every corner of the empire. Despite being betrayed and murdered by his own baws after they tried to hit on his wife at the Daiquiri Shoppe, Caesar's name and haircut would be taken by every Roman Emperor from his death to Marcus Aurelius.

Octavian

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Tiberius



Nero



Constantine



The advent of Christianity brought with it an untamed wilding of haircuts, throwing the realm into chaos and disorder. As a result, a sacred brotherhood was born, dedicated to preserving precious knowledge and traditions. As Rome fell and the New Iberia Haircut became a thing of scorn, these sworn brothers helped it to survive, though they were forced to feign baldness and claim that the hair was just so they could still look cool wit a baseball cap on.



As they passed on knowledge to the sons of nobility, the New Iberia Haircut was subtly weaved into the culture and echoed throughout the centuries.

Circa 800-900 a.d.



Norman Conquest. Note the early development of the back-baw shave fade.

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Oliver Cromwell's Roundheads

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Battle of Agincourt - 1415 a.d.



There were some clumsy attempts to spread the haircut throughout the New World, but there was much difficulty in taming this wild new land.

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It wasn't until the advent of Hollywood that the New Iberia Haircut once again flourished and informed the culture.

Moe Howard

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Marlon Brando

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O'Toole and Burton



However, in 1953, an actress named Audrey Hepburn would attempt to emulate the NIH, complete with her own personalized flare of a perm mullet out back.

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The consequences, of course, were disastrous. The "Fembaw" as she called it was quickly swept under the rug, and Hepburn's career immediately tanked. Hepburn died years later in Africa, in disgrace, though her abomination would make a brief comeback 30 years later in South Louisiana in the early 80's, when young men, for some inexplicable reason, started showing up at school with it. My fricking brother had this haircut, but despite the immediate, relentless scorn and ridicule, dudes kept showing up to school with it. Such is the power of even the worst of New Iberia Haircut variations.

The legitimate haircut flew under the cultural radar for decades. Finally, in 1996, a young TV actor named George Clooney, desiring a new look for what became his breakout hit, From Dusk Til Dawn, encountered New Iberians while location scouting for the film. Clooney's next decision would change the course of his career, as his new found haircut elevated him to "sexiest man alive" status, and launched a legendary film career. He even had a neck tattoo. In 1996. How visionary is that shite, baws?



As if by magic, actors who donned the haircut instantly became international sex symbols.

Banderas

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Crowe



And today, there is a multitude of New Iberia Haircut variations.

The low fade



Faded temples



High fade long top, apparently also called the Faggy British Trend of 2018.



Colored bangs with beard.



Textured fade



And the Paul Walker

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And so, the next time you see some baw pulling up to CVS in a four wheeler, and you catch a glimpse of the haircut that no helmet can tame, only enhance, you'll know you're looking at a piece of history, truly the best haircut in the world.