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Started By
Message
Seeking advice regarding Alzheimer's
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:02 am
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:02 am
I've mentioned on here before that my paternal grandmother has Alzheimer's Disease. Progressively it has gotten worse, to the point that she can no longer care for herself, and it is very difficult for my 85 year old grandfather to adequately care for her. This situation is made all the more difficult by her absolute reluctance to even allow anyone into her house to help her, let alone go to assisted living. When anyone tries to talk to her about getting some help for her, she says that she still takes care of the house, cooks three meals a day, buys groceries, etc.. She can no longer do any of those things, but in her mind, she does. She will barely eat, which has caused her to become weak (which probably led to the fall).
Fast-forward to yesterday and she suffered a fall and had some stroke like symptoms and had to go to the hospital. Fortunately, it appears she didn't actually suffer a stroke and she is doing better today. Though we have known that she needed to have been in assisted living several months ago, there was no way to legally make her go without going through the legal process to force her to go, which we did not want to do because we didn't want her to hate all of us and go into depression. Now, however, we have to do something. I'd like to think that this scare will make her realize, but I know in a few days she won't even remember that she ever went to the hospital and we will be back to square one.
So, I am seeking any advice that anyone can offer that have dealt with a similar situation. Is there any chance of convincing her (she won't even go tour the assisted living place), or are we going to have to take the road of getting a legal guardianship over her and making her move?
Sorry for the "Dear Facebook" style post, I just know this board is a big community and surely some people have some tips.
Fast-forward to yesterday and she suffered a fall and had some stroke like symptoms and had to go to the hospital. Fortunately, it appears she didn't actually suffer a stroke and she is doing better today. Though we have known that she needed to have been in assisted living several months ago, there was no way to legally make her go without going through the legal process to force her to go, which we did not want to do because we didn't want her to hate all of us and go into depression. Now, however, we have to do something. I'd like to think that this scare will make her realize, but I know in a few days she won't even remember that she ever went to the hospital and we will be back to square one.
So, I am seeking any advice that anyone can offer that have dealt with a similar situation. Is there any chance of convincing her (she won't even go tour the assisted living place), or are we going to have to take the road of getting a legal guardianship over her and making her move?
Sorry for the "Dear Facebook" style post, I just know this board is a big community and surely some people have some tips.
This post was edited on 9/13/17 at 11:03 am
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Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:05 am to Roll Tide Ravens
Make sure someone in the family who is the most honest has power of attorney over her affairs.
Also, instead of putting her into assisted living, get an in-home caregiver. A family member who is able to do it would be best.
Also, schedule an office visit with her PCP and have the core of the family there to discuss your plan of care.
ETA: the first and third are the most important. Get them done ASAP
Also, instead of putting her into assisted living, get an in-home caregiver. A family member who is able to do it would be best.
Also, schedule an office visit with her PCP and have the core of the family there to discuss your plan of care.
ETA: the first and third are the most important. Get them done ASAP
This post was edited on 9/13/17 at 11:06 am
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:07 am to Roll Tide Ravens
This is a tragic situation man and my heart goes out to you. Most states have clear cut procedures for vulnerable adults that are litigated in Probate Court. In situations like yours though, it could irreparably damage the relationship you have with your grandmother. However, I would consult with an experienced elder law and probate attorney to find out your options.
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:08 am to SamuelClemens
quote:
Also, instead of putting her into assisted living, get an in-home caregiver. A family member who is able to do it would be best.
First, thanks for your advice, those are certainly good tips. We have wanted to get her an in-home caregiver, but she goes ballistic at the thought of anyone cooking in her house, cleaning her house, etc. She has always been a very independent, prideful woman and even in this state, her pride remains. We actually got someone that our family knew to come just to do some cooking and cleaning, and my grandmother won't let her clean and won't let her cook at their house.
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:10 am to Roll Tide Ravens
It is a terrible disease. God bless you and your family. Somebody is going to have to take control and get her the help she needs. There is no easy way to go about this.
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:10 am to SCLibertarian
quote:
This is a tragic situation man and my heart goes out to you. Most states have clear cut procedures for vulnerable adults that are litigated in Probate Court. In situations like yours though, it could irreparably damage the relationship you have with your grandmother. However, I would consult with an experienced elder law and probate attorney to find out your options.
Yeah, I am pushing my Dad and Aunt to make sure they do this soon. I am a law student and have worked for an attorney, so I've seen some similar cases. This obviously isn't the way we want to do it, but I think we are to the point that we have to.
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:10 am to Roll Tide Ravens
quote:
she goes ballistic at the thought of anyone cooking in her house, cleaning her house, etc.
This will be exacerbated by the condition considering she was already touchy on these things to begin with. This is where properly administered Rx will play a key role.
Perhaps find a way to make it so she feels SHE came up with the idea. Perhaps that would soften the sting for her.
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:12 am to Roll Tide Ravens
I got nothing to suggest, sorry to hear y'all's plight.
It's almost like with a Restraining Order, you have to wait until something even worse than her recent episode happens to make any change.
It's almost like with a Restraining Order, you have to wait until something even worse than her recent episode happens to make any change.
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:14 am to Roll Tide Ravens
quote:
Though we have known that she needed to have been in assisted living several months ago, there was no way to legally make her go without going through the legal process to force her to go, which we did not want to do because we didn't want her to hate all of us and go into depression. Now, however, we have to do something. I'd like to think that this scare will make her realize, but I know in a few days she won't even remember that she ever went to the hospital and we will be back to square one.
I hope this doesn't seem callous, but if she won't remember falling and going into the hospital, she won't remember the rest of the family legally putting her in a home or getting her help, either. If it needs to be done to protect her health and welfare as well as your grandfather's, it needs to be done.
This post was edited on 9/13/17 at 11:17 am
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:23 am to TigerstuckinMS
The good thing is, my grandfather now realizes that they need help (he wanted to care for her himself as long as he could) which is big in getting her to allow herself to be helped. My Dad is also a "take charge" kind of guy and while he didn't want to have to take the legal route, he will see to it that it is handled in order to get her the help she needs.
The other good thing is, the assisted living place has an Alzheimer's wing and is a 10-15 minute drive from our house and their house. Being there, we could see her often and other people she knows would be around. Her primary car doctor is the doctor at the assisted living facility, so she wouldn't even have to change doctors.
The other good thing is, the assisted living place has an Alzheimer's wing and is a 10-15 minute drive from our house and their house. Being there, we could see her often and other people she knows would be around. Her primary car doctor is the doctor at the assisted living facility, so she wouldn't even have to change doctors.
This post was edited on 9/13/17 at 11:26 am
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:29 am to TigerstuckinMS
quote:
I hope this doesn't seem callous, but if she won't remember falling and going into the hospital, she won't remember the rest of the family legally putting her in a home or getting her help, either. If it needs to be done to protect her health and welfare as well as your grandfather's, it needs to be done.
I agree and I'm truly sorry if this sounds callous as well. I work in a nursing home on a consulting basis. SO MANY don't remember so much and keep asking the same questions over and over BUT they're safe and their family can rest knowing that they're safe and taken care of and provided for (meals, meds, medical oversight, etc).
It's NOT an easy decision and I'm always sad when we have families that you can tell are struggling to make the decision ... they know what's BEST and PRACTICAL (in home care givers/family providing care isn't always practical at all) but at the same time they know what their loved ones perhaps stated as their wishes ("no nursing home please") but their welfare has to be put first.
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:30 am to Roll Tide Ravens
Those are some great things in your familys favor.
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:31 am to Roll Tide Ravens
How much trust does she put in her doctors? We basically had the same problem as you with my mother-in-law. The family would tell her things the doctors had told us concerning her "future" but she would not believe us. However, once the doctors directly told her what they had told us then she softened up quite a bit with her arrogance. She's been in an assisted living home for four years now but the first year was tough on everybody.
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:35 am to Roll Tide Ravens
I take care of Alzheimer patients everyday.. unfortunately there is no easy solution. I see so many times a family reluctant to make the push for assisted living (which is outrageously expensive btw) and these people end up lost, injured or worse due to the nature of this illness. It's a horrible progressive disease and my heart goes out to your family. The best thing you can do is make the push..whether someone is hired to come sit or she is brought to an AL facility with memory care. Even if you have to go through the paperwork. She will not hate you for it.. she may be mad at first, but that will fade. Best wishes!
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:40 am to Roll Tide Ravens
Went through this also, it's a terrible disease. She needs to be in assisted care, and depending on how bad off she is one that specializes in Alzheimer's. Falls are very common and rest assured there will be more, she needs someone that can be there when she does fall. They also will make sure she eats.
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:41 am to Roll Tide Ravens
Is the intent for your grandfather to go to assisted living with her? That's what many folks do even if the one without the issues can still live alone. There are places which allow the couples to live together if that would work. Maybe she would go if he goes?
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:41 am to Roll Tide Ravens
She won't remember. A friend's Mother was at your Mother's stage and for three months kept asking to go back to the friend's home after Rita, several times a day, and never remembered that the home was destroyed by Rita. The forgetting can be that painful to others, but not to the person with Alzheimer's.
Your Grandparents MUST get legal medical powers of attorney, both of them, separately. You could approach that with your Father, Mother, and Aunt getting them at the same time, for the same reason. It's good planning. Even for you, it could come in handy.
Google what's called a mini-mental test. It's a way to test memory, especially short term memory. And someone with memory loss can't prepare for it because they can't remember that clearly. My inlaws both failed theirs. My MIL went to secured assisted living; my FIL got an additional two + years of independence.
If your Mother resists all attempts, get a piece of jewelry with a GPS tracker. Sometimes they go wandering and can get several states away. (Another friend's Father managed to drive from Knoxville to Montgomery AL for reasons unknown.)
The disease is terrible. Find a support group for your Grandfather and fammily. He won't feel so alone.
Your Grandparents MUST get legal medical powers of attorney, both of them, separately. You could approach that with your Father, Mother, and Aunt getting them at the same time, for the same reason. It's good planning. Even for you, it could come in handy.
Google what's called a mini-mental test. It's a way to test memory, especially short term memory. And someone with memory loss can't prepare for it because they can't remember that clearly. My inlaws both failed theirs. My MIL went to secured assisted living; my FIL got an additional two + years of independence.
If your Mother resists all attempts, get a piece of jewelry with a GPS tracker. Sometimes they go wandering and can get several states away. (Another friend's Father managed to drive from Knoxville to Montgomery AL for reasons unknown.)
The disease is terrible. Find a support group for your Grandfather and fammily. He won't feel so alone.
This post was edited on 9/13/17 at 11:43 am
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:44 am to Roll Tide Ravens
My condolences to you, brother. My dad had dementia for the past ten years and finally came to rest in peace two months ago. And not only did he rest in peace, but my mother especially has rested in peace as well. It's a fricked up thing for not just the patient, but all those around him/her as well. Because you watch the person slowly but steadily erase away and die in the process. The first time you get looked at and asked "who are you" is painful.
But one thing you have to ask yourself. Is she really enjoying life in her current state right now? I'm not talking about putting her down (I know it kind of sounds like that), but moreso ask yourself that question before you have second thoughts of a nursing home. Because she is going to bitch. And once she gets there, will more than likely not make it for very long because a lot of old folks give up once they get to a nursing home.
Just do yourself, your father, and all those who caretake for her a favor and look into either nursing home or around the clock home care (sitters).
But one thing you have to ask yourself. Is she really enjoying life in her current state right now? I'm not talking about putting her down (I know it kind of sounds like that), but moreso ask yourself that question before you have second thoughts of a nursing home. Because she is going to bitch. And once she gets there, will more than likely not make it for very long because a lot of old folks give up once they get to a nursing home.
Just do yourself, your father, and all those who caretake for her a favor and look into either nursing home or around the clock home care (sitters).
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:49 am to Roll Tide Ravens
It's very difficult to deal with and I don't envy your family's position. We managed to get my grandma into an assisted living/hospice because she was just too much for my grandpa take care of. In the end, she thought we were all trying to kill her and she didn't even recognize me anymore. Seeing that look in her eyes when she saw me, as if she were seeing me, her eldest grandson, for the first time.... She passed peacefully due to the complications, but man, that's not the woman I want to remember 
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:58 am to thetigerman
My father would go around the house asking "who all these people are", when it was just him, my mom, and me visiting. He thought my mom was a side piece that he was falling in love with, and kept telling her that he was going to need to divorce his wife.
You learn to laugh at a lot of it, and just go with it (as opposed to trying to explain it out). It's when they get combative when it gets dangerous though. And my dad was certainly combative.
You learn to laugh at a lot of it, and just go with it (as opposed to trying to explain it out). It's when they get combative when it gets dangerous though. And my dad was certainly combative.
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