Pondering Life With My Situation

Difficult topic to discuss but I really don't have anyone else to discuss it with without freaking them out. So here I am with you all.

I think I'm done. I hate to say that but I'm scared and I'm tired. I'm 40 but I have significant medical problems that are slowly but surely getting worse (including chronic bronchitis/coughing/swallowing disorder along with blood pressure). Slowly but surely it's making my life more and more miserable. I try to hide it from my family but I feel like it's probably becoming more and more apparent.

The doctors don't really care. They put me on prescriptions and I do my best (I won't lie I'm not the best but I'm a lot better about it now) to take them exactly at the same time every day for the most part but I feel like they don't really help. Even if they do help a little it's nothing more than a bandaid.

I'm single with no wife or kids to be responsible for. I used to think that's what I wanted but honestly it can get pretty lonely at times. I'm still willing to date though dating feels pretty hopeless and just too much work at my age. Plus who is going to want to marry a guy who has medical problems like me? The point is no one really relies on me financially so it won't be that difficult for them.

My job is okay but it's not significantly high paying. I also feel like if I want to move it it'll involve significant work that I really don't want to do. It's a good job but it's not work I would say I'm crazy passionate about. It's definitely not a calling.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried therapy but it's a lot of meaningless platitudes/exercises. I just see my life getting more and more difficult both personally and professionally.

I honestly feel like the best years of my life are behind me and I really don't know how to handle that. I just find that I'm really losing any love I have for life and I wake up each day and really don't know why. Sure I can still try to take occasional vacations and things I enjoy, but all of those are temporary distractions.

As I'm now 40 and with my medical problems I just feel very directionless in my life and honestly I'm just worn down. I definitely didn't win the genetic lottery when I was born and I just hate feeling like I'm some defective toy.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this post except I guess to just talk out what I'm thinking.