re: Need advice, adopted daughter, what to tell her?

quote:

---

Don’t want to lose our baby’s trust but don’t want her to ever think we don’t love as much as our two children with each other

---

Wait…did you tell her she wasn’t adopted? Or did you just not tell her anything?


Either way if you show her love (and don’t return her like some people) she’ll know and appreciate that you gave her a better life than she would have had

Maw maw never told my uncle he was adopted until his 20s I think. I think he always knew something was up, but it kind of fricked him up for a while. He searched for his bio family for years.

Not that he didn't think of the adoptive parents as his parents. He loves them as if they were biologically related, but he had a hole in his life that he was constantly searching for. I think that it was made worse by maw maw hiding it from him for so long.

YMMV, but this is a personal decision that I don't think you can go wrong either way.

What I tell clients who have this issue, is to start seeing a counsel altogether as a family and work off of their recommendations to determine if the child is mature enough to handle the truth bomb.

quote:

---

I don't see how that can possibly be a reasonable reaction.

---

He dealt with a lot of guilt associated with thinking he wasn’t good enough, was abandoned by his biological parents, etc.

As an adoptee, I can tell you, tell her the truth. I found my biological sisters and brothers on both biological mother's and father's side through 23andMe and Ancestry. If you don't tell her now, what you gonna do if she takes a test and half siblings and cousins in Peru start popping up?

Tough situation but you need to tell her. Its also pretty important from a medical point of view as many disease have a genetic component and if she believes she’s biologically your child that could affect her down the road with diagnosing any medical issues

Wait until she is much older.

I am 58 and just found out last year that I am a product of the Milk Man.

If you want to tell her, wait til she’s older or takes a dna test.

I’ve known several people who have adopted children and it’s usually (not always) backfired and caused a big mess when they found out. I had a friend in college that turned to drugs when she found out she was adopted.

IMO The truth is you love her, leave it at that.

Truth always wins out

We adopted twins. They were my stepdaughters kids. My stepdaughter was living with her mom and I when she got pregnant during her first year of college. We brought them to our home after leaving the hospital. They were premies and had to spend 9 weeks in nicu. My daughter decided she didn’t want them after about 6 months and she moved out and left the twins with us.

She finally agreed to let us adopt them at 18 months. About the best day of our lives. We decided to tell them they were adopted before they started to school at about 5. We didn’t want them finding out from someone else and getting the wrong idea.

They were kinda confused at first, but eventually they understood. We told them that their “sister” gave birth to them but my wife and I were their mom and dad.

They are now 18 and we live them the same as our “birth kids”. They are just ours. They go on vacation with their “sister “ and they all get along. It works out great.

So just tell your daughter. Set her down and explain yourself fully. Be open. Be honest and don’t try to hide anything. They can smell bullshite a mile away. It will be awkward, but you owe it to her.

The truth shall set you free. But only love can break your heart. Tell her. She already knows you love her. Its only hard because you love her.