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re: Is this normal in a relationship?
Posted on 2/4/18 at 12:48 pm to lsuguy13
Posted on 2/4/18 at 12:48 pm to lsuguy13
I don't know your girlfriend but if my husband left the house during an argument that would piss me off to no end. Why? Because he could just leave the house, like his whole world hasn't been upended. He literally didn't have to think about how to leave the house with the baby. He didn't have to pack a diaper bag, make bottles, grab snacks, make sure there are diapers, wipes, extra clothes, some toys. And then figure out where to go where baby can be easily entertained. THAT can be ground zero for resentment and pissiness.
I'll give a similar example. It pissed me off when my husband went to the gym. Why? Because he could just decide that he needed to go and be out the door five minutes later. If *I* wanted to do the same, I would have to schedule it when childcare was available at the gym. Which meant working around baby's schedule and/or mood. There were times I could hear my baby crying the entire time I was working out which meant I couldn't get in a full workout. Times when I got dressed to go and the baby puked or blew out a diaper and by the time I got her cleaned up, I missed my window to get to the gym. Or I would have to drive 20 minutes out of the way to drop the baby off at the ILs and then another 20 minutes to pick her up, I didn't have 40 minutes a day to spare.
Becoming a parent changed everything about my life and all those things I could do before easily now required a lot of time and planning on my part. But my husband? Went on about his business as he did before the baby. And THAT pissed me off.
It actually took me a long time to figure out why I was so mad at him all the time. Once I realized I wasn't really mad at him but was in fact jealous that he had an easier time once baby was here. He didn't have to gain weight to bring our children here, he didn't have to endure childbirth, he didn't have to stay with them all day, he didn't have to plan for their care, he didn't deal with 10% of what I had to as a new mom. And worse is that he considered me pissy instead of struggling. Is he a bad husband or father? Not at all, he just honestly couldn't understand what a complex change motherhood had on me. But I couldn't verbalize it so I couldn't tell him so my emotions took over.
I think you asking this question is a good start for your relationship. And I am happy to see you open to other perspectives which tells me you aren't ready to walk away. Sounds like she is struggling, set her up for success. I wish you the best of luck.
I'll give a similar example. It pissed me off when my husband went to the gym. Why? Because he could just decide that he needed to go and be out the door five minutes later. If *I* wanted to do the same, I would have to schedule it when childcare was available at the gym. Which meant working around baby's schedule and/or mood. There were times I could hear my baby crying the entire time I was working out which meant I couldn't get in a full workout. Times when I got dressed to go and the baby puked or blew out a diaper and by the time I got her cleaned up, I missed my window to get to the gym. Or I would have to drive 20 minutes out of the way to drop the baby off at the ILs and then another 20 minutes to pick her up, I didn't have 40 minutes a day to spare.
Becoming a parent changed everything about my life and all those things I could do before easily now required a lot of time and planning on my part. But my husband? Went on about his business as he did before the baby. And THAT pissed me off.
It actually took me a long time to figure out why I was so mad at him all the time. Once I realized I wasn't really mad at him but was in fact jealous that he had an easier time once baby was here. He didn't have to gain weight to bring our children here, he didn't have to endure childbirth, he didn't have to stay with them all day, he didn't have to plan for their care, he didn't deal with 10% of what I had to as a new mom. And worse is that he considered me pissy instead of struggling. Is he a bad husband or father? Not at all, he just honestly couldn't understand what a complex change motherhood had on me. But I couldn't verbalize it so I couldn't tell him so my emotions took over.
I think you asking this question is a good start for your relationship. And I am happy to see you open to other perspectives which tells me you aren't ready to walk away. Sounds like she is struggling, set her up for success. I wish you the best of luck.
This post was edited on 2/4/18 at 12:52 pm
2
Posted on 2/4/18 at 12:53 pm to lsuguy13
quote:
I’d say about 40 percent of the time I really don’t like her. I mean is that normal?
No
Posted on 2/4/18 at 12:55 pm to lsuguy13
quote:
Yeah we’ll she kinda just got pregnant.
yeah, gf was just sitting around and voila. 
Posted on 2/4/18 at 12:58 pm to lsuguy13
quote:
Yeah we’ll she kinda just got pregnant. ETA I busted in her and it happened.
Condoms are so expensive
Posted on 2/4/18 at 1:00 pm to lsuguy13
how many times have y'all had sex since first of the year?
Posted on 2/4/18 at 1:02 pm to Benne Wafer
quote:
he didn't have to stay with them all day, he didn't have to plan for their care, he didn't deal with 10% of what I had to as a new mom. And worse is that he considered me pissy instead of struggling.
Sounds like he isn't very empathetic and didn't help much. We took turns getting up with the child at night, I spent as much time with the babies as she did.
Posted on 2/4/18 at 1:08 pm to Benne Wafer
Thank you benne, reading that made a lot of sense and I believe y’all are on the same wavelengths. Literally that example has happened to me. Where I can just on the fly say, I’m gunna pop out for a while etc. your insight has been invaluable.
Posted on 2/4/18 at 1:09 pm to Lester Earl
Lester,
Maybe like 10-15x
Maybe like 10-15x
Posted on 2/4/18 at 1:09 pm to lsuguy13
Closer to 10 though.
Posted on 2/4/18 at 2:04 pm to lsuguy13
quote:
It’s our money. We try and be a team. Whatever she needs / wants she gets.
Reason I ask is you said “I bought her..” which in a long term relationship - especially when one party is a stay at home parent - there shouldn’t be a power imbalance when it comes to money. You have the job and bring home the check but it’s a marriage (which you are trying to be even if not official) is a team effort and she shouldn’t have to clear her purchases with you beforehand or anything like that. Finances can be the number one stress in a relationship and I bet she feels insecure and trapped because you control the money. Is she on your checking account? She needs to be.
Posted on 2/4/18 at 2:32 pm to lsuguy13
I haven’t read all the responses but is there a chance she may be depressed? Sometimes that happens to a woman after they have a child and it can last for years.
Either way, you should address your concerns with her. Don’t be an arse and don’t engage in an argument if she gets defensive. Be respectful and come from a place of love. If she refuses to listen you will at least plant a seed that may grow in to some sort of resolvement.
The biggest thing is to come to her correctly. Don’t get angry. Don’t argue. Don’t be disrespectful to the mother of your child. You are a man and you should be able to control your emotions. If you can’t control your emotions, then you need to grow up quickly before you have this conversation with her. If you don’t, it will all blow up in your face and it will become a bigger problem than it is now.
Either way, you should address your concerns with her. Don’t be an arse and don’t engage in an argument if she gets defensive. Be respectful and come from a place of love. If she refuses to listen you will at least plant a seed that may grow in to some sort of resolvement.
The biggest thing is to come to her correctly. Don’t get angry. Don’t argue. Don’t be disrespectful to the mother of your child. You are a man and you should be able to control your emotions. If you can’t control your emotions, then you need to grow up quickly before you have this conversation with her. If you don’t, it will all blow up in your face and it will become a bigger problem than it is now.
Posted on 2/4/18 at 2:36 pm to lsuguy13
If she was not the one for you FOREVER, you should have assured that you didn't bring a child into what would eventually be a broken home.
It's selfish to put children into a position in which they are shuffled between parents.
It's selfish to put children into a position in which they are shuffled between parents.
This post was edited on 2/4/18 at 2:37 pm
Posted on 2/4/18 at 2:41 pm to yellowfin
quote:
Nobody likes women.
Women don't even like women.
Posted on 2/4/18 at 2:43 pm to tgrbaitn08
quote:
That’s not a reason to stay with her and continue to be miserable. You come first.
Wrong answer - when you bring a child into the world, your responsibility is to his/her well being. Newer research shows that it is not in the child's best interest to break up the home just because the parent(s) is not happy in the marriage.
Sometimes guys can't take it when their wife or girlfriend becomes a mother and suddenly it's not all about him.
This post was edited on 2/4/18 at 2:45 pm
Posted on 2/4/18 at 2:49 pm to lsuguy13
quote:
Where I can just on the fly say, I’m gunna pop out for a while etc.
That’s a bad sign that you would even think to say/do that with a baby at home. It shows you do not display the respect she needs to see from you. It’s a selfish move. Not to say you don’t want to just pop out for a while, but you don’t verbalize it that way. And you certainly never do it. She needs you engaged at home and with the baby. Once you had a child the days of you just deciding to head out for a while when you felt like it went out the door.
Posted on 2/4/18 at 2:53 pm to lsuguy13
quote:
I don’t think either of us are “changed” as you said. She just has some deep seaded resentments towards me, that I feel for the most part are unwarranted. But those are her feelings and I acknowledge them.
I don't know about that.....just your comments in this thread make a good argument for her resentment being warranted. I'm starting to resent your immaturity and self congratulations and I don't even have to be around you!
Posted on 2/4/18 at 3:00 pm to lsuguy13
quote:
So nurse you think me proposing and putting a ring on it just erases all these issues ?
I don't think that's what she's saying at all - she's saying that it sounds like you are the problem in this situation.
Posted on 2/4/18 at 3:05 pm to BR Tiger
I don’t verbalize it and say that obvis. But if I work all day and get home early I’ll head to the gym or go do some grocery shopping etc
Posted on 2/4/18 at 3:06 pm to lsuguy13
Most women change after having their first child. Nature kicks in and it just changes them. If you did things right and married her before having a child, you might try a little harder to adjust. Look in the mirror and find out what you need to do to make things work.
Posted on 2/4/18 at 3:06 pm to lsuguy13
quote:
I don’t verbalize it and say that obvis. But if I work all day and get home early I’ll head to the gym or go do some grocery shopping etc
She probably resents you. Maybe take over the kid and let her go do something
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