re: How do you know how hard to go on your kids?

I have 2 girls, oldest is 4 years old. I try to have patience with her, and it's pretty easy because she's a really good kid. Occasionally I have to raise my voice, but it's not an every day thing or anything.

I see my friends who have sons and I don't know how they do it. If I had boys I feel like I would be flying off of the handle constantly

Starting young is much better than trying to discipline and teach when they're older. Kids are all different, though. Find what's effective.

I've watched my niece and her husband raising their 4. She has a masters in early education, though, so I assume she uses some of those techniques.
Since the kids were really little, they would say "make good choices" or "are you making a good choice right now?" or "use your inside voice" firmly when the child is either doing something wrong or about to. The kids know that means they're doing something they're not supposed to do. They had to grow into knowing, but that didn't take long since it was repeated consistent treatment. Pavlov's dog sort of.

Those kids also don't ask for something more than 2 times when the answer is "no". Once they start asking the second time, the parents will remind the children that it's not a good idea and it stops.

If the parents start a count about something, they never reach the number 3. Whatever is going on stops.

They don't use any physical discipline nor do they yell unless the child is far away. I've watched this with great admiration.

if you feel bad about it, you went too far.

If you make the oldest fear you the rest of them will fall in line. If you’re doing it right just the threat of “getting dad” will make them behave. At least at that age.

It's an art. Really it is.

You can always side on the “too hard on them” side and ease up if necessary . It won’t work in reverse

Just try your best to imagine their headspace at that age. I try to step into my 3 year old boy’s shoes when he has a fit or does something out of character. Then calmly, but firmly correct. Not only are you shaping his behavior, but also constantly modelling your behavior and attitude.

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7 year old daughter

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You've probably seen how girls that age go hard after each other.

I just started this with my daughter last year (she was 10), is that every time I have her, I tell her she's beautiful with no joking, very directly. Her attitude had a massive improvement even from before the divorce. It doesn't make sense, but it seemed to work. My only regret I didn't realize how easy it could have been years ago.

Now, her mouth is still sailor like, but it's far easier to direct and control her properly.