re: Estranged biological father died today

Id be a horrible pastor.

You’re overthinking this. He was a stranger. Unless he died in some unfortunate, distressing way, you should have more emotion for the people currently abandoned in Afghanistan

I think what you’re going through or better put, “not going through” is perfectly natural.

I went through something similar with biological grandfather. I actually met him once. When he died, I felt nothing other than hearing a stranger died. My only thoughts were if my own father might be impacted. He wasn’t. He felt the same way.

It was a stranger.

You will feel something, or you already have. Your grief is not for the man but for the loss of what could have been a meaningful relationship.

I have a nonexistent father, I wonder someday when he dies, if he isn't already dead, if I will grieve? But I think I already experienced that grief as a child and again when I had my children. Don't doubt your veracity/decency based on emotions you dont feel. I agree with your pastor...this is not what defines you. Im sorry for your loss of childhood, not the death of the man who fathered you.

How can you mourn someone you didn’t know? Save your feelings for the people who actually raised you. They may not be perfect either, but they did the hard work and stuck by you.

Oilfieldbiology,

Thanks & I agree. Same advice I was given today, no reason to turn this around on myself.


UKWildcats,

For the most part on TD/OT Lounge we are law-abiding, tax paying citizens. We all probably share the "pull yourself up by your bootstrap" type of mentality.

If we want to be honest & empathetic some people never have a chance and I appreciate that. There are many , many people in a prison/cemetery paying for their decisions , as they should. In a parallel & hypothetical universe, they may have made better choices if they had a loving home. Sometimes I wish we could see that as a society.

It sounds to me that his did you a huge favor by not being involved in your life.

Being a sperm donor is not being a father. There’s a huge difference.

Turf,

It was fascinating talking to my two friends , one had a great traditional family like you & other a tragically broken home.

My friend with traditional family took the first 10 minutes of the call digesting my emotion because he loves his father so much.

Life & friends are incredible, you surround yourself with people who are seemingly different at face value but still care and listen.


Jenn,

Thanks & like you I always wondered how the day would come. This thread is correct & insightful for people with absent fathers/ mothers. The underlying theme is correct, love everyone on earth but save your feelings & devotion for those closest to you that actually deserve it. The "love thy neighbor" is correct but your energy,passion, and willingness to give your last breath goes to those that deserve it. That level of care isn't automatic.

Sorry to hear about this. I can't imagine not knowing my father. Seems you grew up well adjusted regardless, congratulations on overcoming.

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You are awesome, my friend. Your story brings tears to my eyes. What a great man you are.

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Agree. Great example for his daughter as well.