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Started By
Message
re: Estranged biological father died today
Posted on 8/19/21 at 2:46 am to UK FOOTBALL WINS
Posted on 8/19/21 at 2:46 am to UK FOOTBALL WINS
Sorry for your fricked up childhood. "
That is a horrible and inaccurate statement.
OP-you seem to be a fine person based on what you have written here. It's also obvious that you're a very well adjusted member of society. I find your emotion or lack thereof in regard to your biological father to be completely normal.I also commend you for making the effort to assess this situation as you have. It's thoughtful and intelligent. It's time to move on.
That is a horrible and inaccurate statement.
OP-you seem to be a fine person based on what you have written here. It's also obvious that you're a very well adjusted member of society. I find your emotion or lack thereof in regard to your biological father to be completely normal.I also commend you for making the effort to assess this situation as you have. It's thoughtful and intelligent. It's time to move on.
0
Posted on 8/19/21 at 3:43 am to Rsande63
I think your feelings line up with the truth of your situation. But I do understand your questioning what your feeling should be. Best of luck to you moving beyond this.
Posted on 8/19/21 at 4:09 am to jennBN
quote:
Your grief is not for the man but for the loss of what could have been a meaningful relationship.
Wow. That is some truth right there.
Posted on 8/19/21 at 4:47 am to Rsande63
Hey man. Head up. You will mourn in your own way at your own time. Talk to a therapist online perhaps but process this even it's only on here. Don't stash it away inside. As ironic and absurd as it may sound, at least to some degree you came to 5he right place lol. You are a good man.
Posted on 8/19/21 at 4:51 am to go_tigres
When you say he got sober did he ever make amends? Or just quit one day
Posted on 8/19/21 at 5:51 am to Rsande63
quote:
When my grandma told me there was absolutely nothing....bigger picture that was my concern..it was the most ungodly moment in my life, struggling to see how a Christian could not spare a second of emotion for their father...based on conversations with those closest to me , I'll have to accept my emotionless response does not define me.
My Pastor & I agreed I was given the world's best parenting book by him as long as I did the opposite. There was never anger or anything, I just knew the man I wanted to be based on what he did.
Would you feel emotion if your mother went to a clinic and was impregnated with the semen of a random sperm donor? If the sperm donor died, should you feel emotion?
No. And that was what your biological father was. A sperm donor.
Change the script and be a loving, involved father to your children. Give them what you wished your biological had given you.
I hope you can find peace about it. There is nothing wrong with you.
Posted on 8/19/21 at 7:08 am to Rsande63
quote:
When I found out today it was the most disturbing feeling of nothing. It was the strongest indifference I've ever felt & that concerned me.
I believe this is not just normal in such a situation, but the healthy response.
The only positive impact he had on your life was to sire you. While some might assign emotions to that (especially if they've built that person up in their minds), you seem to have grown up seeing the true reality of it. That's a good thing.
As an extremely self-aware species we sometimes can put expectations on ourselves to act a certain way about something because that's what the rest of society does. Your not feeling anything for his passing feels strange because you're having to react to a relationship outside the norm of society so the not caring is an honest response, the being concerned over that response is just you trying to square it with the normal relationships of society.
Luckily for you, you have a paternal role model in your life: your grandfather. Instead of worrying about not feeling anything for someone who had nothing to do with you, use this event as an opportunity to dwell on what your grandfather has done for you and meant to you and let that reinforce the relationship with the man who is essentially your dad (if he's still living).
Posted on 8/19/21 at 7:09 am to Rsande63
I often have thoughts or emotions that are contradictory with the Bible. The lack of emotion is because you simply didn't know the guy. He was no different to you than the other people that died on the same day.
Wish I was closer to the Bible to really understand what God would want here. The Bible is full of tales about honoring your parents, but doesn't really call out what happens when your parents are your grandparents. So we're left with inferences as to what the Bible means at times.
In the end, I don't think this will be anything that God will place judgement on you for and is certainly not anything to prevent you from entering the gates. And that's all you really need to take solace knowing.
My brother in law grew up without a dad, and he is probably the best father to his kids I've seen in a long time. Dude just loves to be with his kids. Be that dad to your kids. Like you said, do the 180 opposite of what your dad did and you'll do good.
Wish I was closer to the Bible to really understand what God would want here. The Bible is full of tales about honoring your parents, but doesn't really call out what happens when your parents are your grandparents. So we're left with inferences as to what the Bible means at times.
In the end, I don't think this will be anything that God will place judgement on you for and is certainly not anything to prevent you from entering the gates. And that's all you really need to take solace knowing.
My brother in law grew up without a dad, and he is probably the best father to his kids I've seen in a long time. Dude just loves to be with his kids. Be that dad to your kids. Like you said, do the 180 opposite of what your dad did and you'll do good.
This post was edited on 8/19/21 at 7:10 am
Posted on 8/19/21 at 7:10 am to TomballTiger
quote:
When you say he got sober did he ever make amends? Or just quit one day
He went through AA, but as far as I know, he didn’t make amends with us or my mom.
Posted on 8/19/21 at 7:21 am to Rsande63
(no message)
This post was edited on 8/19/21 at 4:10 pm
Posted on 8/19/21 at 7:22 am to PowerTool
(no message)
This post was edited on 8/19/21 at 4:11 pm
Posted on 8/19/21 at 7:23 am to Kolbysfan
(no message)
This post was edited on 8/19/21 at 7:32 am
Posted on 8/19/21 at 7:24 am to Rsande63
quote:
I was given the world's best parenting book by him as long as I did the opposite.
I can relate other than I have the disprivilege of knowing my biological father.
Sometimes its better to not know and not have anything to feel. Anger is all I have for him and I wish I didn't.
Posted on 8/19/21 at 7:24 am to go_tigres
I think your response is appropriate. You aren't weeping at his funeral, but you also aren't dancing on his grave. He is a stranger to you and you reacted exactly like you would when you find out someone you don't really know dies. You think it's sad and move on.
I agree that you may eventually mourn the relationship that could have been more than the person who died. You may have already done that or you may get hit with those emotions later. Both are okay.
I agree that you may eventually mourn the relationship that could have been more than the person who died. You may have already done that or you may get hit with those emotions later. Both are okay.
Posted on 8/19/21 at 7:29 am to Rsande63
quote:
When I found out today it was the most disturbing feeling of nothing
He was you rather, not your Dad.
No reason to feel anything.
Easy for me to to say from here I know....
GL sir.
Posted on 8/19/21 at 7:31 am to SpaceCamp
Great responses and thoughts here, especially overnight and this morning.
The world still turns and there is another day of newspapers & obituaries.
We really do choose who to give our deepest love & energy to. If we maintain that balance, and work to be empathetic towards others we should be ok hopefully.
The world still turns and there is another day of newspapers & obituaries.
We really do choose who to give our deepest love & energy to. If we maintain that balance, and work to be empathetic towards others we should be ok hopefully.
Posted on 8/19/21 at 7:48 am to Rsande63
I would think it would be strange to have an emotional response. Sure, he is blood but you never knew him.
Posted on 8/19/21 at 7:52 am to Rsande63
Find out what he died from. We learned after my Grandfather passed that him, his brother, and father, all suffered massive stroke/heart attack (not sure which triggers which) at the age of 83-85.
Posted on 8/19/21 at 11:43 am to Rsande63
quote:
In the end, his death is really no different than 2/11/1984 when he gave me up.
Exactly. Not to be too crude, but would you have felt the need to mourn over a sperm donor? That's effectively what he is.
Posted on 8/19/21 at 11:49 am to Rsande63
It sounds like your grandparents did a great job raising you. You sound like a great person and it's good to get it off your chest no matter the platform used.
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