re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.

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please tell her to leave the family alone. I would never go looking for my sperm donor because he isn't the man who raised me. I have a Dad, and biology means very little to some people. And for everyone saying "A grown man should be able to decide" not if the adoptive parents never told him, which is their right. My sister is fully adopted and the school slipped up and told her when she was about 11. Problem was, my aunt was her bio mom and had recently died. It fricked my sister up and would have been better if she had never found out. Sometimes secrets are meant to protect. Your wife did a very unselfish thing, long ago. Leave these people alone.

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I agree with this.

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We all married virgins, pure as the driven snow.

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Correct, but they all had natural talent and could have been all-pro.

That’s a tough one HB. I am 47 and was adopted when I was about 3 weeks old. As far as I am concerned my real parents are the ones I know now. I wish I had biological medical information but that’s about it. Good luck to you and your wife, prayers sent.

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Problem was, my aunt was her bio mom and had recently died.

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Your aunt was your adopted sister's biological mother?

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I also have a male 1st cousin, about 6 months older than me, that my aunt gave up. He never came looking for her and it was assumed that the adoptive parents probably never told him. It never occurred to our family to "find" him. He has a family.

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My aunt had a child that she gave up for adoption. After my aunt passed away 10 years ago one of her other children (my cousin) was able to locate her biological sister. Even though my cousin that was adopted out has her own adoptive family...her and my cousin have reconnected as sisters and share a very close relationship. My cousin(the non adoptive one) has also developed close relationships with her sister's adoptive family.



OP....I know your wife comes from a loving place in wanting to reach out to the widow of her biological child. However I think she should leave them alone. Maybe after some time has passed for that poor family to grieve their loss your wife could send the adoptive parents a family tree with a history of medical information for family members (who has cancer, who has diabetes, who died and what of, etc). That way that medical history could be passed on to the grandchildren at an appropriate time.


A medical history can be important for many things. Especially if those grandchildren in the future have to do genetic counseling before they have children (the counselor actually sits with you and does a family tree going over what medical conditions they had, when they died, etc, etc).

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That is a sad story and it sucks, but she gave the child up for adoption. Two other people took on the role of parent to the child and they have every right to parent the child and make decisions regarding that relationship, even when the child reaches adulthood. She should honor the parents wishes to leave it alone

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This.

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and they have every right to parent the child and make decisions regarding that relationship

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And that kid at 27, has every right to know he was adopted

I'm very sorry for your wife. Truly, I am. Especially around the holidays.

My thoughts are these and are similar to what many have already said. Your wife made the (presumably) informed decision to give him up for adoption. The fact that she chose this route, rather than abortion, tells me she cared about him and his well-being. She needs to remember to look at this situation with those same lenses, his well being. Reaching out to him (and now his family), without knowing whether he ever knew he was adopted, opens up a box that may have absolutely no business being opened. It could cause more irreparable pain than she ever imagined. It's just not her decision to make, for him and his family, anymore.

All that being said, there's still another issue to consider. His family just lost him. His parents just lost their son. His wife just lost her husband. His kids just lost their dad. Now, no matter what she is feeling, is absolutely not the time to insert herself in their lives. Doing so, and making absolutely anything about her, is 100% wrong. It's not about her. It's about them.

Like others have suggested, she could probably do with a little therapy. That could serve 2 purposes. The therapist could help her in general to deal with all her feelings. It could also allow enough time to pass for the family.

It's a messed up situation all around. I understand being upset with his parents. But at the same time, I think it's only fair to respect their decision

First, I'm so sorry for both your wife and you. What a heartbreaking way to find her child.

My ex-husband found out at the age of 30 that he was adopted. He had no interest in finding his birth mother. Fast forward almost 35 years; our son often wonders about his unknown background, in regards to any medical issues that may have been passed down, and I think he is somewhat curious, too.

Also, at two weeks old. Our son got very, very sick with something that was hard to diagnose. He lost weight, down to less than he weighed when he was born. He was finally diagnosed, and after surgery was fine. I, on the other hand was furious when we found out his dad was adopted, over a year later. My in-laws sat and watched us damn near lose our baby because they didn't want their son to find out he was adopted. At that point. I don't give a shite what THEY did or didn't want. We needed to know in case it was a genetic issue.

It might not seem important to anyone not in those circumstances, but to some who don't know their family history beyond one generation, it can be something they want to know for various reasons.