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re: Do you feel like you sacrificed your personality for your wife, family, career?
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:27 am to geauxtigers87
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:27 am to geauxtigers87
I think the most annoying thing is they tell you to talk to them but when you try it's always they don't have the time or they take it as an opportunity to turn it around on you.
You need to leave that situation. My ex manipulated me like that all the time. She never had any energy for me but sure didn't mind doing a billion other things.
You are being toyed with. Get out of it and find someone else.
You need to leave that situation. My ex manipulated me like that all the time. She never had any energy for me but sure didn't mind doing a billion other things.
You are being toyed with. Get out of it and find someone else.
0
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:28 am to StringedInstruments
Yes, being a good husband, a present father, and providing for my family has necessitated sacrificing part of myself…
Your schedule sounds very similar to mine. Wake by 5 > gym > work until 5 > extra curriculars > dinner > kids in bed around 8 > wife and I in bed by 9.
We both have made sacrifices for our family’s sake and both try to appreciate what each other does. Also, we try to do something alone at least 2x a month and weekday lunches as much as possible.
Sometimes it feels like a grind but it won’t be like this forever and when it’s not I’ll miss it… such is life.
Your schedule sounds very similar to mine. Wake by 5 > gym > work until 5 > extra curriculars > dinner > kids in bed around 8 > wife and I in bed by 9.
We both have made sacrifices for our family’s sake and both try to appreciate what each other does. Also, we try to do something alone at least 2x a month and weekday lunches as much as possible.
Sometimes it feels like a grind but it won’t be like this forever and when it’s not I’ll miss it… such is life.
This post was edited on 5/9/23 at 8:29 am
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:28 am to StringedInstruments
quote:
was into horror movies, rock and metal music, and video games. I don’t really do any of them anymore.
Sounds like you just grew up.
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:28 am to geauxtigers87
quote:
most annoying thing is they tell you to talk to them but when you try it's always they don't have the time or they take it as an opportunity to turn it around on you.
FACTS
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:29 am to StringedInstruments
quote:You need to work on fixing that, man.
My wife doesn’t like horror movies, rock or metal music, or video games. Slowly over the years, I stopped putting any effort into them. Nowadays, even if I wanted to, I don’t have the time to reignite my old interests. I have to wake up at 5am to survive, which admittedly is because of my intent to stay healthy and workout before work.
You gotta make time for yourself, figure out how to.
I have a wife and 2 kids, like many others. Obviously you'll never have as much free time as when you were in your 20s and single, but you absolutely have to have time for you to do whatever you want to do, and it needs to be non-negotiable. Just do it. Obviously you can do it the right way and have a talk about it, but if your wife doesn't like it, too bad. You're doing it, and she'll have to deal with it. And she should be doing the same and having her go to time as well.
quote:So get up at 5am and do whatever you want, watch a horror movie, play some video games.
Even on the weekends, I can’t really sleep past 5am. If I did, my dog would wake me up soon after because she’s used to getting up then.
quote:You have the wrong mindset. There is nothing at all wrong with demanding you have time to yourself here and there.
I guess I can see how middle aged dudes stop giving a frick and go do things on their own.
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:29 am to StringedInstruments
Mfiwd and I are like the same person. I never thought I would get married. We listen to the radio on full blast, go to concerts and watch sunsets on the beach. Everyday is an adventure. Me pleasing him is my daily goal. I don't need "girls nights" or unnecessary gossip. Vapid relationships are of no interest to me. Having someone with your same interests seems crucial. One of his favorite gifts was an album I had made, with 6 handpicked songs and pictures in the middle of him fishing.
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:30 am to StringedInstruments
quote:
Do you feel like you sacrificed your personality for your wife, family, career?
For work - yes. I can't be my true self at work. I've even lost my southern accent. There's a lot of prejudice against people from the south in other parts of the country.
I know that if I let a "y'all" slip in somewhere, I'm going to be judged negatively.
quote:
I was into horror movies, rock and metal music, and video games. I don’t really do any of them anymore.
That's different. You either grew out of them (horror movies), they got stale (rock/metal), or you don't have time to cultivate that hobby (video games).
You did change, but it wasn't intentional. But those things you liked also changed.
I'm kind of the opposite. It's difficult to find new music that I like. I tend to stick to the old stuff now. And I heard Pearl Jam on an oldies station and I'm very angry about it. But my 80s and 90s "oldies" station is better than all the new garbage people are putting out.
quote:
Sometimes I feel like I just work or take care of shite around the house. I work, spend quality time with the kids, and try to have sex with my wife. It’s not a bad life, but I wonder about my own personal identity.
You are touching on the real toxic masculinity here. Work harder, maximize your career prospects, and any time left over is for your kids and wife. The person being neglected here is you. This is part of the reason why men don't live as long as women, and why we have more health issues.
And a lot of middle aged guys fall into that trap. They start gaining weight because they don't have time to take care of their health. They develop high blood pressure and even diabetes but their family and careers are healthier than ever. They roll into their 40's earning more money than ever before and spend weekends shuttling kids to cheer camp. And when they aren't doing that, they are going to Disney or whatever vacation trip their wife needs at the time.
And then when said middle aged guy wants to spend some money on a quick and easy hobby like a motorcycle or a Porsche, people gossip about him having a "mid life crisis". frick that. It's not a crisis to want to spend your own money on a fun toy after working your arse off for 20 years.
This post was edited on 5/9/23 at 8:39 am
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:31 am to StringedInstruments
quote:
, I don’t know if my wife and I have a lot in common
I cannot exist like this.
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:32 am to dewster
(no message)
This post was edited on 9/11/25 at 6:20 am
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:33 am to StringedInstruments
If you've lost your identity, that's on you. Just because you're not single and 19 doesn't mean you can't stay connected to your interests. You have to realize that no matter what you do, time will proceed. Your kids will get older, you and your wife will as well. Work will always be there, chores will always be there. You've got to carve out a portion of time for yourself because no one else will.
If your wife really loves you, she will understand. Your kids will expect from you what ever you set as "normal". If dad has a "game night" where he gets to play PS4 for a couple of hours, that's the rule. They will adapt. Too many parents live solely for their kids. It didn't used to be that way.
You are the head of the family, YOU set the rules and expectations. Kids are not YOUR WORLD. That's something we need to change people's mindset on. Stop helicopter parenting. Kick their little asses outside and tell them to come home when the street lights come on. It's not your responsibility to entertain them 24/7.
Kids need to be told to "GO PLAY".
“Argue for your limitations and, sure enough, they're yours.”
- Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah
If your wife really loves you, she will understand. Your kids will expect from you what ever you set as "normal". If dad has a "game night" where he gets to play PS4 for a couple of hours, that's the rule. They will adapt. Too many parents live solely for their kids. It didn't used to be that way.
You are the head of the family, YOU set the rules and expectations. Kids are not YOUR WORLD. That's something we need to change people's mindset on. Stop helicopter parenting. Kick their little asses outside and tell them to come home when the street lights come on. It's not your responsibility to entertain them 24/7.
Kids need to be told to "GO PLAY".
“Argue for your limitations and, sure enough, they're yours.”
- Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:34 am to StringedInstruments
This is why the deer camp is a thing.
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:36 am to Odysseus32
True. Like I said, watching movies with my SO is one of my favorite things. It's so fun to critique the movies with your SO while your watching IMO
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:37 am to StringedInstruments
1. Our interests change over time. I like nu-metal music in high school and I can't stand it today. That doesn't mean I sacrificed my personality...my personality just changed and matured.
2. Yes, it is tough to make time for all the things that you like to do, especially if you have either a demanding job or kids...or both. I used to play video games pretty often. But kids changed that. I still like them, but most of the time, I'd rather be spending time with my kids. Maybe set aside some time on the weekend that is just for you? During the week is tough.
3. If you still like horror movies and rock & metal music, get a friend who also likes those things if you don't already. Go to horror movies and concerts with that friend...but make an effort to include your wife too (she'll say no).
2. Yes, it is tough to make time for all the things that you like to do, especially if you have either a demanding job or kids...or both. I used to play video games pretty often. But kids changed that. I still like them, but most of the time, I'd rather be spending time with my kids. Maybe set aside some time on the weekend that is just for you? During the week is tough.
3. If you still like horror movies and rock & metal music, get a friend who also likes those things if you don't already. Go to horror movies and concerts with that friend...but make an effort to include your wife too (she'll say no).
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:38 am to StringedInstruments
1) you sacrificed hobbies, not your personality. Take some time off every now and then - you and your wife should both be able to take individual breaks occasionally. Go see that horror movie by yourself. Listen to your music in the car and working out. Stay up late and play a video game every now and then or play on the break I mentioned. Live music is overrated and massively overpriced so you’re better off without that baw.
2) you should realize you’ve picked up things far more valuable than horror movies and video games by having kids. If you aren’t enjoying being a dad, you need to work on changing your outlook.
3) you can introduce your kids to your hobbies when they’re age appropriate. Buy a Switch and play video games with them. When they’re teens, watch horror movies with them and make them listen to your old man rock music. I love classic rock from listening to it with my dad. You may find you have more in common with your kids than your wife eventually
2) you should realize you’ve picked up things far more valuable than horror movies and video games by having kids. If you aren’t enjoying being a dad, you need to work on changing your outlook.
3) you can introduce your kids to your hobbies when they’re age appropriate. Buy a Switch and play video games with them. When they’re teens, watch horror movies with them and make them listen to your old man rock music. I love classic rock from listening to it with my dad. You may find you have more in common with your kids than your wife eventually
This post was edited on 5/9/23 at 8:39 am
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:39 am to StringedInstruments
quote:
My wife doesn’t like horror movies, rock or metal music, or video games
My wife and I are total opposites. I love horror movies, she hates them. I play video games at times, mainly with the kids, she's not interested in any of that.
But if we don't have sex 4-5 times per week, she's a cranky bitch. Don't ask me how I got so fricking lucky.
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:39 am to StringedInstruments
(no message)
This post was edited on 5/9/23 at 11:23 am
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:39 am to StringedInstruments
There was some sacrifice when they were babies but now I have a son that shares my hobbies and a wife that encourages us to enjoy ourselves
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:40 am to StringedInstruments
I think it depends on when you get married. We got married at 17. We were kids still figuring out who we were individually while trying to figure out marriage and a kid. When you're that young, individual interests kind of take a back seat while you navigate family life and responsibilities.
Next week is our 29th anniversary. All we've ever known is being married and raising children. Whatever our individual interests were became ours together because we basically grew up being married to each other. I wouldn't trade my wife and boys for anything in this world. Some men need a break from the family thing and do their own thing. I do not.
Next week is our 29th anniversary. All we've ever known is being married and raising children. Whatever our individual interests were became ours together because we basically grew up being married to each other. I wouldn't trade my wife and boys for anything in this world. Some men need a break from the family thing and do their own thing. I do not.
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:41 am to StringedInstruments
quote:
But looking back, I don’t know if my wife and I have a lot in common. We have great chemistry and built a life around it. But in terms of hobbies? Personal interests? Definitely different.
You're just in a rut right now, and you have to make an effort to get out of it. Since your wife isn't the one suppressing you, just come to terms that you're living the life you have created, and move to change it!
Sit down and make an awesome heavy metal playlist, and use that to work out. Watch horror movies every now and then without your wife. I promise it will be okay!
My husband and I are exact opposite when it comes to hobbies. I have zero desire to hit the links with him. That's time for him and his buddies. The deer camp? Same situation. It's not that I won't ride in the golf cart occasionally or go sit in a stand from time to time, but I understand these are things he like to do to refresh.
Similarly, I like my hobbies to be my own for the most part. What on earth do you talk about if every second of free time is intermingled? I promise she will find you more interesting as well if you lean into yourself a little.
When you fly, the flight attendant tells you to put the oxygen on yourself first and then help the people around you. You will be a better husband and father if you feed your own soul before caring for them.
Posted on 5/9/23 at 8:41 am to TygerTyger
quote:
You've got to carve out a portion of time for yourself because no one else will.
I encourage this to everyone my age. But I fail miserably at this myself.
Quite literally the only time I have to myself is the occasional 5-10 minute block that I use to read the paper or post on social media. And the "free time" I use to do yard work. My John Deere time and my swim time is the only alone time I have.
Also sad but I think my wife has the same problem. Her time on the Peloton and her time cooking (she loves to cook) is the only time she gets to herself. Maybe this weekend I'll have the grandparents take our daughter. I'll bring her to a cool restaurant for mother's day.
This post was edited on 5/9/23 at 8:47 am
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