re: Dealing with death of a parent

I think it depends on the circumstance. I was present when my Dad died . It was a Saturday night and I was staying with them that night because I lived 70 miles away. I was just getting ready to go to bed when my mom let out a blood curing scream to come downstairs. My Dad was lying on the bed with his feet on the floor. I went in his room , told my mother to call 911 and I immediately went to giving him CPR. I was on him for what seemed a lifetime....it was maybe 10 minutes. I got him to breathe just barely when the paramedics came in and started on him.I remember though, knowing immediately even as I went to work on him that it was probably a lost cause...he felt cold and I smelled the unmistakable odor of excrement... He was pathologist and he had always told me that when you smell that , it's over .

Later that night after he was pronounced dead, I was understandably freaked out. How can you not be, it's your parent. I was jacked up due to the adrenaline that the moment ....probably until almost 7 pm the next night . Then. I finally gave in and passed out..Iwas exhausted. I still remember that exhaustion to this day.

But I really think I came to accept it and get over the gut punch in about a month. I was at a wedding and I had a friend who was a priest ( he's not anymore...5 kids since getting out) Who listened and said," You realize you did all you could do? You jumped into action. You got the autopsy report, you know it was a massive heart attack. There was nothing you could do even if you were with him 10 minutes before... actually it was 20-30 minutes before) It was about 1130 when it happened.

I remember later that night, after the wedding 3 weeks later feeling a great amount of peace about that night my Dad died. My brothers on the other hand took far longer. They were not there, one was out of town. They had a certain amount of guilt about the whole thing. They got over it. Took them about 6 months before they stopped tearing up when talking about him.

A few years later, I rememember speaking to a friend who had the same thing happen and his brother found his Dad. He said his brother got over it a lot faster than the rest of them to. I think when you are present and you take action like that and realize that you and everyone else that was there did everything on something like a massive heart attack, you come to peace easier. The feeling of the gut punch does not last as long.

Now, when my mother died that was different. It's your mom and she is the last one. That gut punch lasted a whole lot longer.

Sorry for your loss. My mom died when I was 3. My dad never got over her. He passed away in December last year- 48 years later. I only have a couple memories of my mother. My Dad and I did everything together. He had late stage dementia and refused to eat or drink the last couple weeks. He was always adamant about no tubes or bags to extend his days. So I respected his wishes. It has been the most difficult 9 months of my life. But every day gets a little better. I know he is in a better place and finally back with my mom.

Every loss is different. I lost my dad and my 17 year old son within 5 months . That was 26 years ago. I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about them. But the Lord gave me peace about both and I look forward to our reunion and that is where I am with that. I lost my mother last year and it was totally different. Circumstances determine how you feel. I pray that God gives you the peace that goes beyond understanding.

Sorry for your loss Nurse, you will always miss them. Gets a little easier after the one year anniversaries pass, but I can tell you you will always have those times when you miss them so much it hurts.

It takes a year. You go through all of the holidays and finally realize they won’t be there for them. The gut punch is when you think about calling to share something, but realize you can’t do that anymore.

My dad died in 1995 in a car accident. The best thing anyone ever told me was that time heals all. You will be changed forever, but it does get easier. I still have dreams about my dad to this day.

Sorry for your loss nurse

My dad died in 2015, my mom a year ago. My sister went through and digitized old photo books my mom had, she kept thousands of photos over the decades. Going through those has given me some new perspectives, and helped me deal with the grief.

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Sorry for your loss. My mom died when I was 3.

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Thanks. His passing was witnessed by me and my 2 sisters, who, thankfully were too young to remember it. He was getting ready to go to my grandma's house for dinner and bent over to tie his shoes and fell to the floor, got up and fell backwards on a bed and that was it.

A neighbor who was a cop at the time was called over and he did rudimentary CPR, or what passed for it back in 1960 to no avail.

Honestly, if I have to die from a heart attack, I want it to be just like that-----quick and final.

I can't imagine you have more than a few fleeting memories of your mom with her passing and you being so young. My mom didn't remarry until I had been gone from home for 3 or 4 years after graduating from high school.

Good on you for respecting his wishes as his health declined. I too have told my wife I'd not want any mechanical means to keep me breathing if my health fails.

Just let nature take its course.

Was 2 years 8/3, still not over it. Prepared myself for over a decade, always thought I’d have to go find him dead in the woods. Made call on Friday afternoon to put feeding tube in, he wasn’t happy. Lasted another 3.5 months with throat cancer, slowly starving himself. He knew, I thought I could find someone to fix him. Cross I’ll have to bear.