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re: At what point is the marriage not worth it

Posted on 12/29/16 at 6:58 am to
Posted by Tigeralum2008
Yankees Fan
Member since Apr 2012
17753 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 6:58 am to
I tried to "stick it out" for 3 years after things went sour. At some point I had to accept that I got married too young and that my first wife and I simply developed into two wholly incompatible people.
Posted by UF
Florida
Member since Nov 2016
2696 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 6:58 am to
Why do people seem to take pride in saying 'marriage is hard work'? Is it like climbing Mt. Everest? Mining for gold in Alaska? Is that how we should view marriage?

All the times I see people talking about how it's hard work, you have to stick with it, and so forth - it doesn't appear they ever mention being happy.

Is marriage just a loneliness avoidance plan or what?
Posted by LSUfan4444
Member since Mar 2004
57350 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:00 am to
I grew up in a divorced household and the only way I could ever see myself getting divorced is if my wife just didn't love me anymore (or loved someone else). I am not 100% certain that her cheating on me would completely seal the deal but I'm fairly certain I would't be able to look past that either. IMO, it's hard to know how you'll react to something in your relationship until it actually happens (infidelity, death to someone close, etc).

IMO one of the the hardest things things about marriage is falling in love with your spouse over and over again and trying to make them fall in love with you. It's something I want to do every day and some days I'm better at it than others but the look over life ending love from her eyes is something I don't want to just be a memory from when we got married 13 years ago,
Posted by UF
Florida
Member since Nov 2016
2696 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:03 am to
quote:

So wether to stay married or not should hinge on something as fickle as feelings?


yes. otherwise it would be called business.
Posted by jacquespene8
Nashville, TN
Member since Sep 2007
4439 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:04 am to
Most people go through their marriages focusing on their own feelings. And when hard times present themselves in the marriage, that focus on inner feelings is intensified and the quest to make yourself happier picks up steam.

Its at this point that most couples become emotionally separated. The only true way to stay connected, especially through rough times, is to focus on the needs and feelings of the other person in the marriage. Extend mercy and servitude without any strings attached. And not for just one day or week. For the life of the marriage. A commitment like this from both of you (which is actually the commitment made at the altar), will lead to a happy marriage.
Posted by LSUfan4444
Member since Mar 2004
57350 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:04 am to
quote:

Is marriage just a loneliness avoidance plan



No.

With the attitude you currently have marriage would never work for you. In time, either your outlook will change and you can make one work or you'll just remain single (happily or unhappily - doesn't matter to me).




Posted by chryso
Baton Rouge
Member since Jul 2008
13965 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:07 am to
quote:

All involved have a right to be happy

Who said you have a right to be happy? I don't remember that in the vows or the constitution.
Posted by LSUfan4444
Member since Mar 2004
57350 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:08 am to
quote:

Who said you have a right to be happy? I don't remember that in the vows or the constitution.


Not sure if serious.....
Posted by Kafkas father
Member since Aug 2016
1124 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:09 am to
The simple and easy answer is when you aren't happy. When being married becomes the thing that is keeping you from happiness then it should be over.

There is absolutely no reason to be a miserable married person.
If marriage is the thing that prevents you from taking any joy out of life, then stop wasting time and end it.

Sure, there's the initial pain, but it pales in comparison to living a whole life of misery...every day having the joy sucked out of you, one piece at a time.

Hope this helps.
Posted by LSUfan4444
Member since Mar 2004
57350 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:12 am to
quote:

The simple and easy answer is when you aren't happy. When being married becomes the thing that is keeping you from happiness then it should be over.


If you let it get to that point, MANY times it was over long before that.

It's kinda like complaining about your steak after you've eating 90% of it. You don't just find out you didn't like it but rather than communicating and fixing the issue you wait until it's beyond repair and then complain once nothing can be done to salvage the meal.

Not in every instance, but if two people lover each other and communicate between each other often times not only can marriages survive but improve.
Posted by Gulf Coast Tiger
Ms Gulf Coast
Member since Jan 2004
21758 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:22 am to
I've been married for almost 25 years. I have two children in their 20s. We have had ups and downs but we have been committed to making it work.

You have to be loving, forgiving, understanding and selfless to make it work.

Neither of us are the same person we were 25 years ago. We have grown and matured and we have both helped each other become better people
This post was edited on 12/29/16 at 7:44 am
Posted by Kafkas father
Member since Aug 2016
1124 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:32 am to
quote:

Neither of us are the sane person we were 25 years ago


This is probably just a Freudian slip...maybe.
Posted by SidewalkDawg
Chair
Member since Nov 2012
10308 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:33 am to
quote:

Neither of us are the sane person we were 25 years ago.


Freudian slip?
Posted by jeff5891
Member since Aug 2011
15979 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:38 am to
quote:

Seems like a lot of my buddies have picked the "frick it" approach


Signs that your friends haven't grown up. It's most likely their fault too
This post was edited on 12/29/16 at 7:39 am
Posted by Gulf Coast Tiger
Ms Gulf Coast
Member since Jan 2004
21758 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:45 am to
Huge hands, small phones


Ends up funny none the less
Posted by CajunSoldier225
Member since Aug 2011
8990 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:51 am to
quote:

Mine has been on the rocks before, but I'm thankful for a wife who refuses to give up on me


This
Posted by Jcorye1
Tom Brady = GoAT
Member since Dec 2007
76373 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 7:52 am to
The only thing I have to say is pre-kids marriages and post-kid marriages should have different breaking points.
Posted by SpiderY2Bannana
Louisiana
Member since Mar 2013
476 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 8:04 am to
quote:

The "frick it" approach is just lazy selfishness. Marriage is hard work.


I don't know what that means.

Is marriage like Hulk Hogans where you say your prayers, eat you vitamins, never give up and eventually you will over come all odds?

Is there a breaking point or line before it's okay to say " frick it"? What if a dumb arse gets married too you no and it's clearly the wrong person? Is it okay then?

Not saying your original point is incorrect, but it is too broad.
Posted by UF
Florida
Member since Nov 2016
2696 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 8:14 am to
quote:

With the attitude you currently have


You don't know what my attitude is. My comment was about what I see from others.

You must be a woman. You seem to enjoy rushing to judgment.
Posted by White Bear
Homeless
Member since Jul 2014
17815 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 8:59 am to
quote:

Your point is good for the short term events like a funeral or college, where unhappiness is certain but temporary. But marriage and job are long term commitments, and whether we acknowledge it or not, when we make those commitments, we are expecting a similar commitment in return to give us more happiness than unhappiness. Once this ratio of happiness to unhappiness falls below our threshold for an extended period of time, it is the same as if that implied commitment has been broken and a person should be able to choose to honor their side or not guilt free.
Ah the deserved happiness argument is a load of shite.

A deal breaker for me would be infidelity, or her becoming morbidly obese.
This post was edited on 12/29/16 at 9:06 am
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