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re: At what point is the marriage not worth it

Posted on 12/29/16 at 6:21 pm to
Posted by damnedoldtigah
Middle of Louisiana
Member since Jan 2014
4275 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 6:21 pm to
quote:

I would rather be that person giving 110% though and if the marriage failed....at least I knew it wasn't because I didn't try hard enough.


Been there, done that. Still hurts like hell almost ten years later. After 29 years (27 married) I thought we knew each other. I wanted a "team" and she wanted to branch out for a new life. Per the kids, she evidently realizes she made a life mistake, but there's no way that bond of trust can ever be re-established, so she's not coming back, even if she could set aside her pride and ask.
Posted by jimbeam
University of LSU
Member since Oct 2011
75703 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 6:22 pm to
Sorry to hear that. That's a long while.
Posted by damnedoldtigah
Middle of Louisiana
Member since Jan 2014
4275 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 6:32 pm to
I truly cared for her and thought we were heading into some of our best days as the kids were about to start leaving home ..... until a dinner table discussion one evening. I tried to turn things with her until I realized that she was not interested. I had to finish getting the kids out on their own, so after the breakup I put them ahead of myself despite my being emotionally shattered by what had happened - someone had to keep the household going. By the time they were out I was in my late 50's, entering my 60's. Never thought I would be starting over at this age. Willing to give a LTR another go, but finding someone compatible is very difficult at this age as everyone is getting set in their ways.

I am retiring from my day job in a couple of years but will maintain a part-time university faculty appointment. Perhaps then I can devote more time to trying to find the right person ...... if she's out there.
This post was edited on 12/29/16 at 6:36 pm
Posted by NoHoTiger
So many to kill, so little time
Member since Nov 2006
46207 posts
Posted on 12/29/16 at 6:47 pm to
I'm late 40s and never been married. I've seen good marriages and bad marriages. The good ones are amazing and the bad ones have scared me away from relationships.

If you can work together for a good marriage, then it's probably worth it. But if not, run for the hills.
Posted by damnedoldtigah
Middle of Louisiana
Member since Jan 2014
4275 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 12:17 am to
Probably what made things worse for me was that within a three year period I lost my marriage, then got laid off from a pretty decent professional career, and got into a car accident that took me about three years to rehab my way out of (kid pulled out in front of me so fast I didn't have time to brake and hit her at about 50 mhp; she got out without a scratch, I didn't do so well). I landed back on my feet professionally probably better than before (guys who laid me off got fired a few months later) and still have some trouble walking but am getting there. Finding the right lady is still a work in progress.

In the meanwhile, I bought me a new boat (practically the boat of my dreams) and can't wait for the white perch to start biting.

I'd do it again with the right person. That said, I had the fortune of a better lawyer last time and managed to retain about 95% of my assets. I am not sure if I would be that lucky again. I know some folks are funny about pre-nups, but at this stage of life, I wouldn't go in without one so as to protect most of my children's inheritance.

I took a break on the relationships for awhile. Two of the best had addiction issues that I simply was not willing to deal with. Sad part was that neither knew what they wanted and both eventually pissed decent professional careers away over hard drugs. Loved one immensely, but just did not want to deal with the drama. Otherwise, she was the trophy wife and I would have done everything I could have to fight for her. God was looking out for my arse on that one.

Guess what I would say is that I have developed a sense of peace over the past three years.
This post was edited on 12/30/16 at 12:26 am
Posted by USMCTiger03
Member since Sep 2007
71176 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 12:29 am to
Thanks for the fricking memoir.

frick.
Posted by damnedoldtigah
Middle of Louisiana
Member since Jan 2014
4275 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 12:34 am to
Wanna get married NoHo?
Posted by ReauxlTide222
St. Petersburg
Member since Nov 2010
92328 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 12:47 am to
quote:

Unless it involves infidelity, that is the right answer.
I don't understand this shite. I rather my wife frick some random guy than be a raging count who makes my life a living hell.

What if you just hate your wife? That's not a good reason to get out of a marriage? But her screwing up is?

I don't understand married people. I don't even like being around them sometimes. Everyone I know thats married acts fake as frick and it's obvious they're balancing a buncha shite that looks like it's driving them insane. Friends that are married NEED those random nights with the guys and whatnot. So basically nothing is organic and they do shite to get away from something caused by their married life.

shite sounds miserable.

And the only thing that gets you past that is not giving a frick anymore. I have never once in my life observed a marriage and felt like that's what I want.
Posted by ReauxlTide222
St. Petersburg
Member since Nov 2010
92328 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 12:53 am to
quote:

You gotta work you arse off
I've seen this 1000 times. First, the hell does it mean? Second, it sounds absolutely miserable.
Posted by ByteMe
Member since Sep 2003
22360 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 12:55 am to
quote:

Keep their belly full, keep their balls empty, treat their children like God's greatest creation, do not drain the bank account, and mind your figure

If those do not work, then he likes peckers

It really is that simple




This is proof that having a Maters Degree doesn't make you smart.
Posted by sjmabry
Texas
Member since Aug 2013
19056 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 2:07 am to
If the wife is worth it, make it work.
Posted by CelticDog
Member since Apr 2015
42867 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 6:23 am to
No love.

No sex, or not much, too prudish to get past procreation.

Disease.

Drug or alcohol addiction.

Money issues including using credit card. This one can be related to drug addiction.

Joins a different cult than your family traditions.

You have to hide the ax.




Posted by CelticDog
Member since Apr 2015
42867 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 6:32 am to
The guy who mentioned that the authority of all conflict issues is the mother or sister has a key point.

Conflict resolution has to be built in. I recommend cnvc.com.

That lets you describe your needs and preferences and negotiate.
You could even draw in mom, because she's having her say anyway.


Posted by OKellsBells
USA
Member since Dec 2016
5264 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 9:40 am to
I would have to be in some sort of physical danger before divorcing. Or if he got someone else pregnant. Nothing else is worth my son having to deal with that life. Problems can always be worked out. Fortunately my husband is awesome and I've never even thought about this before.
Posted by CelticDog
Member since Apr 2015
42867 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 10:08 am to
Reaux tide

Work means listening, confessing, negotiating, remembering, loving, compromising, helping, and sweating bullets when self transcendence is involved. You grow the most when you are willing to be seen, vulnerable and loving. Young people have the illusion that no one sees them. They live in fear.
This post was edited on 12/30/16 at 10:12 am
Posted by damnedoldtigah
Middle of Louisiana
Member since Jan 2014
4275 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 3:41 pm to
quote:

Men are freaking EASY to keep happy


quote:

Keep their belly full, keep their balls empty, treat their children like God's greatest creation, do not drain the bank account, and mind your figure
quote:

It really is that simple


Actually, it's not that simple. Your assumptions are based on marrying a not so very intelligent male. Fortunately, some of us males are a bit more complicated than that nonsense.
Posted by NoHoTiger
So many to kill, so little time
Member since Nov 2006
46207 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 4:45 pm to
Sure. We'd probably get along great. I'm pretty low maintenance, no drugs, rarely drink, and I'm a good cook. I'm good with a prenup as I have things to protect as well. Could be a match made in heaven!! Plus, you already have kids and I'm too old for them, so that's not an issue either like it might be with younger women.
Posted by damnedoldtigah
Middle of Louisiana
Member since Jan 2014
4275 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 5:27 pm to
quote:

Sure. We'd probably get along great. I'm pretty low maintenance, no drugs, rarely drink, and I'm a good cook. I'm good with a prenup as I have things to protect as well. Could be a match made in heaven!! Plus, you already have kids and I'm too old for them


Trust me, I would be too old to want to go through child rearing again. That said, my former spouse did his second marriage at age 70 (first wife died). The girl was 18 and from out of the country. Produced two kids over the next three years. Don't know how the old bastard did it at his age, but he did. I could not see myself going through that again at 61, especially since I am pondering retiring from the day job in two to three years.


Now, to lure you back to Louisiana......

P.S. Ability to help launch a boat is a plus .... Toledo Bend and I have had this thing since the early 70's. "Thinking" about a waterfront lot over there for a second home. Would haul in a few truckloads of white sand and plant some palm trees so I could enjoy the sunset with my Corona's
This post was edited on 12/30/16 at 5:31 pm
Posted by damnedoldtigah
Middle of Louisiana
Member since Jan 2014
4275 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 5:38 pm to
quote:

What if you just hate your wife? That's not a good reason to get out of a marriage?


Some get into these situations and over time realized they have made a big mistake. If not kids are involved, then little collateral damage other than each other, even then some divorces are even amicable, although you don't see it often. If kids are involved, then instead of making them miserable with the two of you fighting all the time, if you can - sit down and negotiate between the two of you how the two of you will finish raising and supporting the children. Then reduce it to writing and get a judge to smile on it. There will be some damage, but in the long haul you will find that kids are pretty resilient creatures. However, they will probably witness each of you trying to make up for lost time and frick everything that moves for awhile, not to mention going through the process of "rediscovering" your individual selves - which takes a while.
Posted by damnedoldtigah
Middle of Louisiana
Member since Jan 2014
4275 posts
Posted on 12/30/16 at 5:47 pm to
The only creature occupying my home these days is the result of a Dalmatian and Bull Terrier having too much to drink one weekend. She looks like a small Dalmatian, but has her mother's bull terrier temperament. She is an angel around me, but we have a neighbor she wants a go at, same for another neighbor's cat, and ditto for anyone in a postal/Fed-Ex/UPS truck or school bus. Something about those box shaped vehicles that set her off.

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