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Started By
Message
Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 1:30 am
Posted on 12/31/17 at 1:30 am
This is a bit long, but bear with me. I met my wife 20 years ago. Not long after we met, she told me she had a son she'd given up for adoption twelve years before. She told me that she hoped someday he would reach out and find her, but she wasn't going to interfere with his childhood. Over the years, she would let me know that she hoped someday to meet him, but she would never do anything about it. We have two great kids of our own, and that helps.
Fast forward to my in-laws from out-of-state visiting for Christmas earlier this week. My MIL knows that I know about the adoption and she tells me that she knew who the adoptive parents were, and that she had approached them five years ago, when the boy would have been 27 years old, to find out if the boy (now a grown man) had any interest in meeting his birth mother, letting them know that my wife would be open to it. According to my MIL, they refused and said they wold not pass the info to him. I asked my MIL if she'd ever shared that info with my wife. She had.
So tonight, my wife and I were at dinner at a restaurant and I asked her about it. She said she had written a personal, heartfelt letter to the adoption mother, asking her to share with her son another letter from my wife that she had included. Both letters were returned unopened, and included a note to stay out of their lives. They never even notified him that his birth mother wanted to meet. She doesn't even know if they ever even told him that he was adopted.
So I told her that if she still wanted to meet him, I would help her and he would be 100% welcome in our life if he was open to it. She smiled and said great. So I asked her what she knew, and she told me she knew his first name, his parents name and the business they run. I asked if she'd ever looked to see if he was on Facebook or any other social media. She had but he wasn't there.
Here's where things fell apart. We were both sitting there, trying to be sleuths, to see if we could find him on our own, and she was going to reach out to him. We were using our phones and couldn't find anything, then I suggested his first name was short for his real name, so we tried different names, then suddenly we both found him within 30 seconds of each other, with me finding him first. I asked my wife for his birthday and where he was born. She told me and my heart sank. Then she looked up at me and burst out in tears crying.
We had both found his online obituary. He had died four weeks ago in a freak accident, leaving a wife and three kids. frick, that was a kick in the teeth. I got up out of my seat to try and comfort her. People around us got up to come ask if we were alright, and I thanked them and told the waiter to hold my check and that I'd come back and pay it tomorrow. I got my wife in the car and took her home. She took a sedative and is calm now.
Now she's feeling a lot of anger towards the adoptive parents, who didn't notify her. I know they didn't have to, but I can see my wife's point. They knew she wanted to meet him, and they they also deprived her of knowing about his death. I don't understand why someone would do that. Anyway, now my wife wants to reach out to her son's wife, and let her know, so that her children can know where they came from, and let the wife know that if she needs help, we can help.
I think she needs to let sleeping dogs lie still. Sure, it hurts to know a child you gave birth to has died, but maybe she needs to think on it a while before reacting.
Fast forward to my in-laws from out-of-state visiting for Christmas earlier this week. My MIL knows that I know about the adoption and she tells me that she knew who the adoptive parents were, and that she had approached them five years ago, when the boy would have been 27 years old, to find out if the boy (now a grown man) had any interest in meeting his birth mother, letting them know that my wife would be open to it. According to my MIL, they refused and said they wold not pass the info to him. I asked my MIL if she'd ever shared that info with my wife. She had.
So tonight, my wife and I were at dinner at a restaurant and I asked her about it. She said she had written a personal, heartfelt letter to the adoption mother, asking her to share with her son another letter from my wife that she had included. Both letters were returned unopened, and included a note to stay out of their lives. They never even notified him that his birth mother wanted to meet. She doesn't even know if they ever even told him that he was adopted.
So I told her that if she still wanted to meet him, I would help her and he would be 100% welcome in our life if he was open to it. She smiled and said great. So I asked her what she knew, and she told me she knew his first name, his parents name and the business they run. I asked if she'd ever looked to see if he was on Facebook or any other social media. She had but he wasn't there.
Here's where things fell apart. We were both sitting there, trying to be sleuths, to see if we could find him on our own, and she was going to reach out to him. We were using our phones and couldn't find anything, then I suggested his first name was short for his real name, so we tried different names, then suddenly we both found him within 30 seconds of each other, with me finding him first. I asked my wife for his birthday and where he was born. She told me and my heart sank. Then she looked up at me and burst out in tears crying.
We had both found his online obituary. He had died four weeks ago in a freak accident, leaving a wife and three kids. frick, that was a kick in the teeth. I got up out of my seat to try and comfort her. People around us got up to come ask if we were alright, and I thanked them and told the waiter to hold my check and that I'd come back and pay it tomorrow. I got my wife in the car and took her home. She took a sedative and is calm now.
Now she's feeling a lot of anger towards the adoptive parents, who didn't notify her. I know they didn't have to, but I can see my wife's point. They knew she wanted to meet him, and they they also deprived her of knowing about his death. I don't understand why someone would do that. Anyway, now my wife wants to reach out to her son's wife, and let her know, so that her children can know where they came from, and let the wife know that if she needs help, we can help.
I think she needs to let sleeping dogs lie still. Sure, it hurts to know a child you gave birth to has died, but maybe she needs to think on it a while before reacting.
This post was edited on 12/31/17 at 1:35 am
Posted on 12/31/17 at 1:36 am to HubbaBubba
Damn
Posted on 12/31/17 at 1:36 am to HubbaBubba
Wow. Wow.
All I can say is my thoughts are with you and your wife.
All I can say is my thoughts are with you and your wife.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 1:38 am to HubbaBubba
What an absolutely gut wrenching story. I don't know what to say. I am definitely praying for you and your wife.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 1:41 am to HubbaBubba
Wow. Some story there. Hope you and your wife hold strong.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 1:41 am to HubbaBubba
I’m sorry for your loss. Agree that it is best not to rush into action.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 1:41 am to HubbaBubba
That is a sad story and it sucks, but she gave the child up for adoption. Two other people took on the role of parent to the child and they have every right to parent the child and make decisions regarding that relationship, even when the child reaches adulthood. She should honor the parents wishes to leave it alone.
This post was edited on 12/31/17 at 1:42 am
Posted on 12/31/17 at 1:51 am to HubbaBubba
Holy shite
Posted on 12/31/17 at 1:51 am to HubbaBubba
That's awful. I helped my wife find her birth parents. She's close with biological mother but the father rejected her. His loss because she is an amazing woman.
As I read your story I was hoping that your story would end up similarly. I think the adoptive parents were very wrong for denying your wife contact with him after he was an adult.
Adoptees always want to know, and they have a right to know who gave birth to them and what the circumstances were. It changed my wife from the better. No more unanswered questions. It didn't end in a picture perfect hallmark type scenario, but she knows the truth.
I would give the son's wife some time, but I would certainly try and contact her. Those are your wife's biological grandchildren. Who knows what the wife will do with it, but she needs to opportunity to make the decision.
It's a long process, be patient with your wife and let her make the decisions.
As I read your story I was hoping that your story would end up similarly. I think the adoptive parents were very wrong for denying your wife contact with him after he was an adult.
Adoptees always want to know, and they have a right to know who gave birth to them and what the circumstances were. It changed my wife from the better. No more unanswered questions. It didn't end in a picture perfect hallmark type scenario, but she knows the truth.
I would give the son's wife some time, but I would certainly try and contact her. Those are your wife's biological grandchildren. Who knows what the wife will do with it, but she needs to opportunity to make the decision.
It's a long process, be patient with your wife and let her make the decisions.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 1:55 am to HubbaBubba
quote:
I thanked them and told the waiter to hold my check and that I'd come back and pay it tomorrow.
That's an excellent technique for skipping out on a check.
quote:
I think she needs to let sleeping dogs lie still.
Yeah, I'm gonna side with the adoptive parents on this.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:00 am to HubbaBubba
That's an awful story, and it really sucks she and y'all found out that way.
The child was very young when your wife had to give him up though. These people raised the child because your wife wasn't able to/etc. It seems incredibly selfish of her to try so hard to make contact with him in the first place.
What bond are they going to share? I birthed you, you're from me, but I just couldn't...
I just don't know man.
The child was very young when your wife had to give him up though. These people raised the child because your wife wasn't able to/etc. It seems incredibly selfish of her to try so hard to make contact with him in the first place.
What bond are they going to share? I birthed you, you're from me, but I just couldn't...
I just don't know man.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:03 am to HubbaBubba
Really sorry to hear this. Do you think there’s a chance, given the adoptive parents continued defensiveness, that they never told him that he was adopted?
Eta—reread and saw where you mentioned this.
Eta—reread and saw where you mentioned this.
This post was edited on 12/31/17 at 2:09 am
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:05 am to HubbaBubba
Nothing you can say to your wife but...
"We live to play another day."
"We live to play another day."
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:05 am to HubbaBubba
quote:
They knew she wanted to meet him, and they they also deprived her of knowing about his death. I don't understand why someone would do that.
Lots of reasons, ranging from the spectrum of understandable but selfish, to kind.
They could have not wanted the drama and awkwardness of the chance of her wanting to go to the funeral.
Or it could have been more of the considered act.
If you are going to have a hardline stance to stay out of his life, no exceptions....well from that perspective don't you think it is rather cruel to attempt to drag you in with something as depressing and final as this?
Sorry for your wife's loss.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:08 am to HubbaBubba
Wow thats crazy, man. Godspeed to you and the wife.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:21 am to HubbaBubba
Tough story there. I can't imagine what your wife is feeling. My thoughts are with her.
With that said, I agree she should let sleeping dogs lie. I don't think any biological parent has the right to force themselves into their adopted child's life. It should be up to the adoptive parents to allow that to happen. As much as that might hurt the biological parent(s) you have to think about the psychological aspect it might have on the child. S/he might've grown up their whole life thinking their adoptive parents are their real blood. A pot I for sure would not want stirred. Approaching the adoptive parents with an open heart and laying all of your feelings out on the table for them to realize how much meeting your biological child would mean to you, is what you can only do(IMO). And leave it up to them to decide.
I hope your wife gets the closer she deserves from the adoptive parents. If not, that burden is for them to bare. Not your wife's.
With that said, I agree she should let sleeping dogs lie. I don't think any biological parent has the right to force themselves into their adopted child's life. It should be up to the adoptive parents to allow that to happen. As much as that might hurt the biological parent(s) you have to think about the psychological aspect it might have on the child. S/he might've grown up their whole life thinking their adoptive parents are their real blood. A pot I for sure would not want stirred. Approaching the adoptive parents with an open heart and laying all of your feelings out on the table for them to realize how much meeting your biological child would mean to you, is what you can only do(IMO). And leave it up to them to decide.
I hope your wife gets the closer she deserves from the adoptive parents. If not, that burden is for them to bare. Not your wife's.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:22 am to HubbaBubba
Sounds like they never told him he was adopted. I may have overlooked you saying otherwise. But if they hadn't, I can understand them not wanting to do it even when he was 27.
At first I thought, why not reach out to the wife, surely they would want to know, but now might be too soon. And you surely wouldn't get a warm reception like your wife is probably imagining.
3 kids finding out their grandparents aren't really their real grandparents would be tough too.
At first I thought, why not reach out to the wife, surely they would want to know, but now might be too soon. And you surely wouldn't get a warm reception like your wife is probably imagining.
3 kids finding out their grandparents aren't really their real grandparents would be tough too.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:26 am to HubbaBubba
Prayers for you and your wife. This may be a very difficult process for your wife. She may likely need counseling, as an event of this nature could become something from which she doesn't heal. She has lost a child, which is terrible enough, but she has little way to grieve and draw support (assuming very few know and she has no public connection to her child). I can't even imagine that first realization.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:30 am to HubbaBubba
quote:
She took a sedative
You have heavy sedatives just laying around your house?
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:30 am to HubbaBubba
Very sorry to hear this story
Can't imagine
Can't imagine
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