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RebelExpress38
Ole Miss Fan
In your base, killin your dudes
Member since Apr 2012
12214 posts

Pfizer Promises Omicron Vaccine Will Be Ready In Time For Their Q1 Earnings Report



quote:

NEW YORK—During their monthly shareholder meeting, Pfizer announced that an updated vaccine for the Omicron variant will be ready in time for their Q1 Earnings Report.

"We are committed to the longevity of this company," said Pfizer CEO, Derrick Pfizer. "As they say in the vaccine business, 'if you're not jabbing, you're lagging.' We understand that endless new vaccines are critical to our bottom line ever since I bought that giant space yacht."

Pfizer stockholder Bill Gates expressed some confusion that the vaccine wasn't already available. "I know I'm not a doctor, but I sort of invented Windows. It can't be that hard."

Pfizer's leadership remained firm. "We need to maintain our rigorous testing standards, but we should still be in good shape if we skip animal testing and go straight to children. You can't make an omelet unless you break a few eggs, I always say."

"I invented that phrase," interjected Gates.

According to sources, a loud audible sigh could be heard over the audio feed. "Can we hear from some stockholders who aren't Bill Gates?" asked Derrick Pfizer.
Several members of Congress proceeded to ask if adding some masks would make the vaccine work better.

Members of the Pfizer board, speaking remotely from quarantine yachts off the coast of New York, were in agreement that masks were not the same thing as vaccines and you can't mix the two, but they'd ask officials in China to be sure. "We get most of our ideas from them," said one board member.


LINK
This post was edited on 1/15 at 8:42 am


PillageUrVillage
LSU Fan
Mordor
Member since Mar 2011
12806 posts

quote:

Pfizer announced that an updated vaccine for the Omicron variant will be ready in time for their Q1 Earnings Report.


This is stupid. Omicron will have burned through the population and be in the rear view mirror by that point.

ETA: The focus needs to be on treatments. Vaccines will not be able to keep up with this thing. It's a pointless strategy and they know it.
This post was edited on 1/15 at 8:49 am


dgnx6
Atlanta Braves Fan
Baton Rouge
Member since Feb 2006
51945 posts

I’ll say this, if they had a vaccine for the common cold that actually worked, I’d take it.

But this won’t.


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20
Champagne
Already Conquered USA.
Member since Oct 2007
43472 posts

Maybe we should get the Fizer Booster shot every two months just to be safe.

We should ask China for advice on how to prepare for their next Biological Weapon Attack on the USA. China is our friend.


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50
TrueTiger
LSU Fan
Chicken's most valuable
Member since Sep 2004
54148 posts
 Online 

Why?




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21
LSURoss
Chicago Cubs Fan
Shreveport, LA
Member since Dec 2007
14172 posts

Didnt click link. That's a bee article, yeah?


SG_Geaux
LSU Fan
Beautiful St. George
Member since Aug 2004
73490 posts

Ya'll realize this is the BabylonBee right?


PillageUrVillage
LSU Fan
Mordor
Member since Mar 2011
12806 posts

quote:

That's a bee article, yeah?


Dammit. I fell for it.


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10
Jack Bauers HnK
LSU Fan
Baton Rouge
Member since Jul 2008
4983 posts

We need some stats on bee articles and how many serious replies they get as a measure of their effectiveness.


PillageUrVillage
LSU Fan
Mordor
Member since Mar 2011
12806 posts

The news is so ridiculous these days you can't really spot satire that easily anymore.


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11
dgnx6
Atlanta Braves Fan
Baton Rouge
Member since Feb 2006
51945 posts

quote:

Ya'll realize this is the BabylonBee right?


I did not, but that’s because Pfizer did say they were working on one for omicron.

quote:

Pfizer CEO says omicron vaccine will be ready in March


Cnbc

quote:

Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla said an omicron vaccine will be ready in March, and the company is already manufacturing doses. Bourla said the goal is to produce a vaccine that is much better at preventing infection from omicron.


And march is Q1

This post was edited on 1/15 at 9:02 am


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21
Oates Mustache
US Space Force Fan
Member since Oct 2011
15577 posts

fricking Bee got me. I was like, whether you got the OG vaccine or not, you're a fricking moron if you get the vaccine for a head cold.


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10
TOSOV
Member since Jan 2016
8922 posts

Ok...so can't tell if this is an attempt by the NY Post at BB satire....but if not looks like Pfizer is going to come around full circle with pushing their little blue pill even more...

NY Post


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Bass Tiger
USA Fan
Member since Oct 2014
32660 posts

quote:

Pfizer announced that an updated vaccine for the Omicron variant will be ready in time for their Q1 Earnings Report.


This is stupid. Omicron will have burned through the population and be in the rear view mirror by that point.

ETA: The focus needs to be on treatments. Vaccines will not be able to keep up with this thing. It's a pointless strategy and they know it.




Intelligent people know this^^^^ fortunately for Pfizer they're messaging to the authoritarian regime, investors and brain dead and gullible Americans......that would give them and audience of over 150 million Americans.


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20
fjlee90
LSU Fan
Baton Rouge
Member since Nov 2016
6533 posts

Thank the lord. We need a vaccine for the common cold.


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10
Nguyener
USA Fan
Kame House
Member since Mar 2013
20183 posts
 Online 

quote:

Members of the Pfizer board, speaking remotely from quarantine yachts off the coast of New York, were in agreement that masks were not the same thing as vaccines and you can't mix the two, but they'd ask officials in China to be sure. "We get most of our ideas from them," said one board member


The Bee can’t miss


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10
omegaman66
greenwell springs
Member since Oct 2007
20201 posts

You can keep it. The spke will be fading at that point and the will look like heroes as their new mRNA shot will get the credit regardless if it works or not.


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