re: You ever discovered an immediate relative whom you weren't aware of? - Update on Page 6

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Like the previous poster said, I hate to be dark here, but is one of the possibilities you've considered that she truly believes she was raped? You said ya'll were drinking heavily. Could she vaguely remember the next morning and is claiming "date rape" sincerely in her mind? Again, I hate to bring this dark stuff up, but it's been on my mind through a couple of pages now.

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Yes, thank you. Me and my wife have gone over this ad nauseam. Couple things. I had been drinking, but was not blacked-out drunk. She was being very forward with me, but also was not slobbering drunk either. I remember pretty much every detail of that whole weekend. Without spelling out details here, I remember some things the mom's mom did and said that night, which would clear up any confusion they all may have. I've told my daughter some surrounding details of that weekend, stuff the mom & the mom's mom should remember, and I'm gonna assume she told her mom what I said. And besides, the rape story was supposedly someone she knew (not me) and it happened somewhere I've never been before. And the cat's out of the bag now, she saw my picture and said I'm definitely not the person who allegedly raped her. If I were confronted by her extended family (or a subpoena for that matter) and they believed the mom had been raped by me, I'm totally equipped with the truth. Honestly I would welcome a talk with all of them if it could help us get on with any semblance of a father/adult daughter relationship.

I sincerely appreciate the concern man, thank you.

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First of all, you & your wife MUST be on the same page. If you want to reach out to him, you must have your wife on board with the idea first. Don't do anything without telling her.

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Disagree. If I were in your situation there is no way my wife would dictate if I could reach out to my own child or not. I get you didn't know until recently, but there is no way anyone would keep me from meeting my child.

I have a cousin that my uncle never claimed because of his wife and I have always despised him for it. Be a man and step up regardless of what your S/O thinks.

The first girl I ever slept with, I just turned 14 and she was 17. It was a one nighter and I never saw her again. I looked her up a few years ago on Facebook and since she's got a really jacked up first name, it was easy to find her. She has a son, not sure his age but he's got dark brown hair and blue eyes, same as me. He favors more of her so I can't really tell. He's also a piece of shite that has various run ins with the law, a few face tattoos and a "grill". He's white as can be.

I'm not touching that with a 10 ft pole.

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Yes, thank you. Me and my wife have gone over this ad nauseam. Couple things. I had been drinking, but was not blacked-out drunk. She was being very forward with me, but also was not slobbering drunk either. I remember pretty much every detail of that whole weekend. Without spelling out details here, I remember some things the mom's mom did and said that night, which would clear up any confusion they all may have. I've told my daughter some surrounding details of that weekend, stuff the mom & the mom's mom should remember, and I'm gonna assume she told her mom what I said. And besides, the rape story was supposedly someone she knew (not me) and it happened somewhere I've never been before. And the cat's out of the bag now, she saw my picture and said I'm definitely not the person who allegedly raped her. If I were confronted by her extended family (or a subpoena for that matter) and they believed the mom had been raped by me, I'm totally equipped with the truth. Honestly I would welcome a talk with all of them if it could help us get on with any semblance of a father/adult daughter relationship.

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Good, I'm glad you got that information and don't have that worry on your shoulders.

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I sincerely appreciate the concern man, thank you.

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We are very similar on 23andMe results (I am phased with both of my parents so my results are more accurate and cut out a lot of the 'Broadly' percentages):

British & Irish 70.9% (UK: Highly Likely Match w/ 10 regions; Ireland: Likely Match w/ 10 regions)
French & German 27.4% (Germany: Possible Match - North Rhine-Westphalia & Hesse)
Broadly Northwestern European 0.8%
North African 0.5%
Senegambian & Guinean 0.2%
Angolan & Congolese 0.2%

They pretty much pinpointed my German, though my regions should have Rhineland-Palatinate (my mom's results do).

Funnily enough you mention the Native American, and a lot of white people have that myth in their families. If anything, when they do these tests, it comes out as trace Sub-Saharan African that the family probably knew about but wanted to cover up so just said Native. Ever heard the term Cherokee Princess?

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LSU6262

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It's hard to know everything at this point. I can say it wasn't easy for her growing up, but I think her mom did the best she could do. She has found the love of her life, has a career, doing well for herself and seems to be happy. That's all I can hope for, you know?

We have some things in common, that's for sure. She's an ornery shite-talker and I love that about her! Hope to learn more soon. Thanks for asking, 6262 I appreciate it.

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Your poor wife.

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Why? It happened years before they were together.

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Why? It happened years before they were together.

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Thank you

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Why would your wife get you this "gift"? What's the end game on something like this? I don't get it.

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Just ancestral curiosity, really. And that part has been fascinating. Learning where my long-range lineage came from ( maternal & paternal "haplogroups" ) is interesting too, and the ability to find close relatives you weren't aware of (yes I see the irony in that last one)

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Your poor wife.
Why? It happened years before they were together.

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Ask any woman you know how she would feel if her husband told her he just found out he has a daughter and is thinking of reaching out to talk to the baby mama.

UPDATE: This weekend, over 2 years after the discovery, I met my 32yo daughter in person.

For anyone else finding themselves in this situation: If you want a relationship with a previously-unknown child, getting your spouse onboard really is critical. Something was said to the effect of "the wife should go along with what you want, no questions asked" and in theory it should be that simple, but it's not. At least not with most women/men/spouses. My wife had concerns and certain misgivings about the idea of fostering a relationship with my daughter, but we worked through all that and she was super-supportive, friendly and welcoming all weekend. Which likely made all the difference between a good experience and a bad one.

I also fully acknowledge any man who says they will NEVER get on 23&me or Ancestry with a DNA test.. Believe me man, I get it. From what I've read, discoveries are about 60/40 turns into a sad disaster / works out well.

So we ripped off the band-aid this weekend! My heart is filled with joy and I've been walking on air since we first met. I have a 19yo son from a prior marriage; he's an enigma. Physically he's a little bit of me, a little bit of his mom, and a personality that's neither of us at all. Great kid, doing very well, but he and I don't have a whole lot in common. My daughter on the other hand, holy shite we have a TON in common - physically, mentally, even life experiences. I am a very proud dad.

I always wanted more than one child. I wanted 3 or 4 but knew another child with my previous wife would've been a mistake, and now me and my wife are too old to be having kids - she has 2, I had 1, they blend pretty well, so I was resigned to that situation. But now I have a God-sent bonus child! We will be a part of each other's lives going forward and I am so thankful I got a DNA kit and she did as well, both were gifts from family members. It's just crazy.