I really would rather not be in a position to post this, but 2020 has brought a lot of things into our lives that we could do without but here we are.

Thank you, again I Want to express my undying gratitude to those of you that donated to the Go Fund Me those of you sent me care packages, the occasional topless pic( MikelBR thanks for the offer) To those of you who encourage me in the past and still do so to this day. I want to recognize the goodness that is in so many of you

I really wish I did not have to be in a position to be writing this. I hate, truly hate the fact that I had a stroke. I'm still very fricking angry about that yes I'm recovering I get better every day and I'm grateful for that but as much as I can do there is still so much more that I can't do or I can't do without making an incredible effort. it's exhausting.I miss my old life, it was a death in a way, I'll never be whole again.
The truth is in a situation like this no matter how much other people do to help you. The getting well part is all on the individual, or in this case me.
No one else can make my legs move the way I want them to, no one else can make my hand grasp a doorknob, or open a jar or since this is the OT wrap around my ginormous pecker and whack it to a decade-old pic of Britney.

Truly I understand now ,those that would say don't take your health for granted. A simple thing like making eggs something I used to be able to do anytime I wanted now was quite frankly not worth the effort considering the eggs either burn or I miss the plate when trying to get them from the skillet or I burn my hand making them they get cold by the time I'm able to eat them using this as an example. The very simple things now come with great difficulty and I hate that'
It will make me curse god, throw things, and often breakdown into tears. I'm not proud of this but its the truth.
Sometimes I want to quit thinking about how difficult this is and its not going to get easier any time soon. It's not just today that's difficult but thinking about the many tomorrows to come in how I need to pay for those? will I ever work again if so how much will I make? I've already lost my home, so many of my worldly possession. Yes its just stuff, but it was my stuff dammit.

But here I am, and like everyone else in life every morning we have to make a choice whether to get up and deal with it or to stay in bed and just hope that it goes away.

But in my case unlike so many others I had 100's of angels lifting me up. And to all of you, I say thank you. It does not escape me that this happened at a time when all of you were also going through challenges as well. 2020 was a kick in the arse to all of us, and for a few of us, it may have also been a kick in the proverbial balls on top of the boot in the arse.

I think of all of you that lost a job or took an economic hit, I think of posters that lost family members or friends. You have faced health challenges of your own. Things like divorce which is never easy, in 2020 with all the stress I can't help but think how much greater a heartbreak its been and I honestly hurt for them.
Most often I think of those whose children were in peril this year and it breaks my heart.

Crazy to say I'm the lucky one, but it kinda feels that way. I of course realized that some of the other challenges posters had to face this year were not the sort of challenges that money would help.
But I received so much more than money. Truth is ,the money's gone. It was gone probably 2-3 weeks after it was taken from the account that's how expensive emergency medical situations can be when you lose insurance 3 weeks before.

But, the encouragement, the support, the reaching out, the thoughtfulness. The weekly sometimes daily reminder that people were rooting for me and wanted to see me beat this thing that really is what has the greatest in the longest-lasting benefit. I could not possibly thank everyone because so many have helped. I feel as if every single poster has in some way been one of those Angels.

Here's hoping that 2021 begins to bring back some sort of normalcy to our lives. For everyone that is still hurting from this year and what it has brought. Or the shite that happens in life it just happened to take place in 2020 on top of everything else those personal tragedies seem to carry a little extra weight. I pray that you are able to find some comfort or even better if you're too exhausted to look anymore I hope that comfort and peace and joy and love find you.

You matter, your pain matters. Its hurts I know it does, I hurt too. And Im sorry that whomever you are or whatever it is. None of us are alone. It might feel that way, but that is a lie. Yes it is still on you to battle past it, but there are people will to help lift you up.

I wanted to post this before people started disappearing into the holidays. Before some of you drifted away because of responsibilities some of you fell away because of depression I want you to see this.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year , hurry up and get here. Much love to all of you and sincerely from the depths of my cold black heart Thank you and God Bless you all.