When I become dictator

When I become dictator businesses that charge fees are going to really pay. The owners of that business will be waterboarded and beaten to a coma.
I'm sick of trying to rent ANYTHING...cars, cabins, etc., that seem to offer a decent price and then quickly goes away after all the fees are attached. That's going to end when I take over.
Here you go, we are renting our house that happens to be in a nice neighborhood. It's two stories and 2600 sq. ft. with 4 bedrooms two and a half baths. The rent for our house is $25 a month. That's right. You read it correctly, $25 a month.
There is however a $50 opening the front and back door fee. A $48 turning on lights fee. $100 flushing the toilets fee. $150 using the refrigerator fee. $200 watching tv fee.
$178 sitting down to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack fee. $300 sleeping in the bed fee. $250 sleeping on the floor fee. $198 roof protection fee. $55 looking out the window fee.....If looking out the window more than six times a day that fee will drop to $45.
$68 having people over fee. $78 using the trash in the house fee. $67 talking in the house fee. No fee for laughing.
$57 breathing the air in the house fee. Talking on your phone or cellphone in the house or anywhere on the property is a $245 fee.
Calling me to rent the house is a $15 fee. I also charge a $10 hanging up the phone fee.
Having sex in the house is not allowed.