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re: What is you favorite article from the Onion?
Posted on 1/23/20 at 6:31 am to diddlydawg7
Posted on 1/23/20 at 6:31 am to diddlydawg7
0
Posted on 1/23/20 at 6:35 am to Puddenn32
5 or 6 Dudes jump out of nowhere and start wailing on this 1 dude
BOULDER, CO–Shock and disbelief were the prevailing reactions Monday, when pizza-delivery guy Lyle Kelso, 24, reported to roommates that at around 2 or 3 a.m., he personally witnessed, like, five or six dudes suddenly jump out of freakin' nowhere and just start totally whaling on this one guy.
"That is majorly messed-up," roommate "Thatches" Moynihan said. "You hear about that sort of shite on the news, but you never think it's going to happen right in front of somebody you know who'll later come home and totally tell you all about it. When Lyle told us, I was like, 'Whoa, dude. That's harsh.' We all were. It sounded like some seriously wigged-out shite, from what Lyle was saying."
According to Moynihan, he and three other roommates were sitting around, just kicking back and watching TV, when Kelso burst into the room and breathlessly announced that "you guys are not gonna fricking believe what the frick I just saw by the Dumpsters behind Papa Luigi's [Pizza]."
After a dramatic pause, the visibly agitated Kelso said, "I just saw some poor fricker completely get his arse beat down by a bunch of seriously pissed-off dudes," prompting responses ranging from "No way, man!" to "Holy shite, dude!"
According to this one guy who heard the story from a buddy of one of the roommates at a house party the next night, the scene supposedly went down something like this: Toward the end of his shift, Kelso sneaked out to the alleyway between Papa Luigi's and Fat Pete's Subs to fire up a big ol' jay. While smoking up, Kelso heard the sound of squealing tires from the parking lot behind Papa Luigi's. Fearing that it was the cops about to bust his arse, he peered around the corner to check out what the frick was up. Kelso said he saw a black van, identified only by an airbrushed painting of a barbarian chick on the side and an enormous "Ozzy" sticker in the back window, suddenly pull up from out of nowhere, right next to some dude who was about to get in his car.
Without warning, the guy who heard the story from a buddy of one of the roommates said, five or six huge-arse motherfrickers who totally looked like bodybuilders or something jumped out of the van, cornered the unidentified victim, and basically just commenced to whaling on his arse.
"I would've tried to help, but there was no way I was messing with those frickers. Uh-uh, no sir," Kelso reportedly told roommates. "I may have been baked, but I ain't stupid."
After several minutes of some seriously painful arse-kicking, the big, mean-looking dudes reportedly hopped back inside the van and bolted as suddenly as they'd appeared. Before Kelso could approach the poor fricker who'd gotten whaled on, the dude limped to his car and bolted, leaving the stunned Kelso standing there wondering what the holy hell had just fricking happened and "feeling like [his] mind was totally friggin' blown."
Though the identity of the whaled-upon dude remains unknown, numerous theories exist regarding who the frick he was. Among the theories are that he was Some Poor Sap Who Never Knew What Hit Him, A Guy Who Just Happened To Be In The Wrong Place At The Way-Wrong Freaking Time, or Somebody Who Obviously Must Have fricked With The Wrong People. Supporters of each theory, however, agree that, whoever the hell the guy was, he probably ain't exactly having the best day right about now, wherever the hell he is.
The attack has raised serious safety and crime-prevention concerns among the roommates.
"After that shite Lyle told us he saw, I ain't goin' anywhere without a baseball bat in the car, I'm telling you that right the frick now," said Matt Mendham, 22. "It's like, do I want to get my arse pounded by a bunch of monster dudes? No, I don't think so."
Added Mendham: "It's too bad my friend Chad's brother wasn't there, because he totally knows t'ai chi and shite."
Despite the strong reaction to the guy-whaling incident among Kelso roommates and associates, some are questioning the validity of his claims.
"Kelso's always making shite up," said Dan Soderlund, a longtime coworker of Kelso's at Papa Luigi's. "He smokes a few bowls, and the next thing you know, it's, 'Dude! The freakiest thing just happened!' It's like, 'Yeah, yeah, keep talking, Lyle.' That guy is so full of it sometimes. Believe me, I've heard it all before, man."
BOULDER, CO–Shock and disbelief were the prevailing reactions Monday, when pizza-delivery guy Lyle Kelso, 24, reported to roommates that at around 2 or 3 a.m., he personally witnessed, like, five or six dudes suddenly jump out of freakin' nowhere and just start totally whaling on this one guy.
"That is majorly messed-up," roommate "Thatches" Moynihan said. "You hear about that sort of shite on the news, but you never think it's going to happen right in front of somebody you know who'll later come home and totally tell you all about it. When Lyle told us, I was like, 'Whoa, dude. That's harsh.' We all were. It sounded like some seriously wigged-out shite, from what Lyle was saying."
According to Moynihan, he and three other roommates were sitting around, just kicking back and watching TV, when Kelso burst into the room and breathlessly announced that "you guys are not gonna fricking believe what the frick I just saw by the Dumpsters behind Papa Luigi's [Pizza]."
After a dramatic pause, the visibly agitated Kelso said, "I just saw some poor fricker completely get his arse beat down by a bunch of seriously pissed-off dudes," prompting responses ranging from "No way, man!" to "Holy shite, dude!"
According to this one guy who heard the story from a buddy of one of the roommates at a house party the next night, the scene supposedly went down something like this: Toward the end of his shift, Kelso sneaked out to the alleyway between Papa Luigi's and Fat Pete's Subs to fire up a big ol' jay. While smoking up, Kelso heard the sound of squealing tires from the parking lot behind Papa Luigi's. Fearing that it was the cops about to bust his arse, he peered around the corner to check out what the frick was up. Kelso said he saw a black van, identified only by an airbrushed painting of a barbarian chick on the side and an enormous "Ozzy" sticker in the back window, suddenly pull up from out of nowhere, right next to some dude who was about to get in his car.
Without warning, the guy who heard the story from a buddy of one of the roommates said, five or six huge-arse motherfrickers who totally looked like bodybuilders or something jumped out of the van, cornered the unidentified victim, and basically just commenced to whaling on his arse.
"I would've tried to help, but there was no way I was messing with those frickers. Uh-uh, no sir," Kelso reportedly told roommates. "I may have been baked, but I ain't stupid."
After several minutes of some seriously painful arse-kicking, the big, mean-looking dudes reportedly hopped back inside the van and bolted as suddenly as they'd appeared. Before Kelso could approach the poor fricker who'd gotten whaled on, the dude limped to his car and bolted, leaving the stunned Kelso standing there wondering what the holy hell had just fricking happened and "feeling like [his] mind was totally friggin' blown."
Though the identity of the whaled-upon dude remains unknown, numerous theories exist regarding who the frick he was. Among the theories are that he was Some Poor Sap Who Never Knew What Hit Him, A Guy Who Just Happened To Be In The Wrong Place At The Way-Wrong Freaking Time, or Somebody Who Obviously Must Have fricked With The Wrong People. Supporters of each theory, however, agree that, whoever the hell the guy was, he probably ain't exactly having the best day right about now, wherever the hell he is.
The attack has raised serious safety and crime-prevention concerns among the roommates.
"After that shite Lyle told us he saw, I ain't goin' anywhere without a baseball bat in the car, I'm telling you that right the frick now," said Matt Mendham, 22. "It's like, do I want to get my arse pounded by a bunch of monster dudes? No, I don't think so."
Added Mendham: "It's too bad my friend Chad's brother wasn't there, because he totally knows t'ai chi and shite."
Despite the strong reaction to the guy-whaling incident among Kelso roommates and associates, some are questioning the validity of his claims.
"Kelso's always making shite up," said Dan Soderlund, a longtime coworker of Kelso's at Papa Luigi's. "He smokes a few bowls, and the next thing you know, it's, 'Dude! The freakiest thing just happened!' It's like, 'Yeah, yeah, keep talking, Lyle.' That guy is so full of it sometimes. Believe me, I've heard it all before, man."
This post was edited on 1/23/20 at 7:10 am
Posted on 1/23/20 at 6:37 am to diddlydawg7
Always my first Onion thought:
You Babylon Bee fans bring tears to my eyes with your cutting remarks in here about the Onion...
You Babylon Bee fans bring tears to my eyes with your cutting remarks in here about the Onion...
This post was edited on 1/23/20 at 6:38 am
Posted on 1/23/20 at 7:18 am to soccerfüt
Posted on 1/23/20 at 7:32 am to Twenty 49
Posted on 1/23/20 at 7:39 am to frankthetank
quote:
In addition, Lady Gaga pronounced Mike Pence's Christianity as lacking morality, a claim immediately praised by the same people who agree that morality is relative and that you can't judge people based on who they are or what they do.
Posted on 1/23/20 at 7:49 am to diddlydawg7
Posted on 1/23/20 at 7:50 am to diddlydawg7
As a nurse my favorite has always been the Panicked Newborn story.
quote:
GORHAM, ME—Shortly after his delivery Thursday at Mercy Gorham Crossing Primary Hospital, a local newborn reportedly panicked upon realizing that his respiratory aptitude would be scored as part of the upcoming Apgar test. “Whoa, whoa, whoa—I knew reflexes and skin tone would be on this thing, but breathing? No one said anything about that,” the visibly anxious infant said of the standardized test administered by physicians immediately after birth. “I can’t believe I’m going to nail the grimace section and fricking fail breathing. I would have stayed in there longer and prepared had I known. I hate tests. I really do.” At press time, the newborn had broken down crying during the Apgar, passing it with flying colors.
Posted on 1/23/20 at 8:23 am to diddlydawg7
PennState Using Defensive Schemes Sandusky Sends from Prision
quote:
Members of the Penn State football coaching staff revealed to reporters Friday that they have no idea what to do with the unbelievably innovative defensive playbooks former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky continues to send them on a regular basis.
we found the most incredible and revolutionary defensive ideas that any of us had ever seen. This stuff makes the 1985 Bears and the Steelers’ ‘Steel Curtain’ look like nothing. I’m telling you, these schemes would change the way people think about defense in football forever.”
“Jerry Sandusky is a sick, despicable human being who deserves to be in jail for the rest of his life,” Franklin continued. “But I have to say, he is also possibly the most brilliant defensive mind in the history of football.
“The thoughts and support of everyone at Penn State will always be with the victims and their—my God, just look at this zone blitz here. I’ve been coaching for 20 years, and I’ve never seen anyone use a nickleback like that before
“Look, I’m not saying we will use them. I’m just saying, hypothetically, if we did use maybe one or two of them, would that be the end of the world? I mean, it’d be a shame to just let these amazing plays go to waste.”
“You know what, we might as well just use them,” Pry added. “After all, that’s what Coach Paterno would have done.”
Posted on 1/23/20 at 8:27 am to blueridgeTiger
Posted on 1/23/20 at 8:36 am to diddlydawg7
Dear Navy SEAL,
I am a happily married man with a warm and loving wife who is also my best friend. We've been together for 17 years and couldn't be happier. But lately she says she wants separate beds. I'm reeling! We're barely in our 40s, and in my mind separate sleeping is for seniors. Am I making too much of this? Help!
—Anxious In Andersonville
Dear Anxious,
Destroying a bridge might look easy in the movies, but remember: They're designed to withstand the immense shear-forces of wind and weather. Deploying an underwater M-32 satchel charge at the base of each load-bearing pylon looks like the answer, but it might not even shake a modern riveted steel highway or railroad bridge. Without delving into the complex language of the guerrilla combat engineer, the best advice I can give you is to forgo subtlety in favor of brute force: Put two satchel charges at each X-shaped trestle buck, and this should rob the bridge of any reinforcing strength and cause it to buckle nicely.
Ask a Navy Seal
I am a happily married man with a warm and loving wife who is also my best friend. We've been together for 17 years and couldn't be happier. But lately she says she wants separate beds. I'm reeling! We're barely in our 40s, and in my mind separate sleeping is for seniors. Am I making too much of this? Help!
—Anxious In Andersonville
Dear Anxious,
Destroying a bridge might look easy in the movies, but remember: They're designed to withstand the immense shear-forces of wind and weather. Deploying an underwater M-32 satchel charge at the base of each load-bearing pylon looks like the answer, but it might not even shake a modern riveted steel highway or railroad bridge. Without delving into the complex language of the guerrilla combat engineer, the best advice I can give you is to forgo subtlety in favor of brute force: Put two satchel charges at each X-shaped trestle buck, and this should rob the bridge of any reinforcing strength and cause it to buckle nicely.
Ask a Navy Seal
Posted on 1/23/20 at 8:41 am to diddlydawg7
Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game
Posted on 1/23/20 at 8:42 am to theCrusher
Posted on 1/23/20 at 8:49 am to diddlydawg7
You Will Suffer Humiliation When the Sports Team from My Area Defeats the Sports Team from your area
Read the whole thing. It is this place in a nut shell
quote:
On numerous occasions, you have expressed the conviction that your area's sports team will be victorious. I must admit that every time I hear you make this proclamation, I react with both laughter and disbelief. "Ha!" I say to myself with laughter. "What?!" I say to myself in disbelief. How could you believe that your sports team could beat my sports team? It is clear that yours is inferior in every way.
When the sporting contest begins, the players on your team will be treated as though they are inconsequential. It will be remarkably easy for my team to accumulate more points than yours. There are many reasons for this, starting with the inferior physical attributes of the players representing your area. Strength, speed, and agility are just three of the qualities that the players on the team from your area lack. The players representing my area, on the other hand, have these traits in abundance.
Read the whole thing. It is this place in a nut shell
Posted on 1/23/20 at 9:07 am to diddlydawg7
Not an article, but a headline when Jenna Bush turned 18.
Jenna Bush’s Wetlands Opened For Public Drilling
Jenna Bush’s Wetlands Opened For Public Drilling
Posted on 1/23/20 at 9:14 am to diddlydawg7
Bob Marley Rises From Grave To Free Frat Boys From Bonds Of Oppression
WILLIAMSBURG, VA—In an unprecedented effort to fight injustice, reggae music legend Bob Marley, dead since 1981, rose from his grave in Jamaica early Sunday to free his most devoted followers, American college fraternity members, "from the bonds of oppression."
Marley's recordings, which originally raised awareness of the Rastafarian faith and the plight of underprivileged Jamaicans and Africans, have taken on an even deeper meaning as the Greek fraternal system, a maligned, misunderstood minority group itself, has fervently embraced the driving, soulful music.
Minutes after his resurrection, the dreadlocked spirit materialized in the backyard of Epsilon Iota, the Sigma Nu chapter of the College of William and Mary in Virginia. Radiating a transcendent aura, Marley addressed the college's recent campus-wide ban on bonfires.
"I appeared to I fraternity brothers to tell them be strong," said Marley, standing in front of hundreds of hooting fraternity members. "I say don't let dean of students, Henry Riegert, fool ya, or even try to school ya. We'll get that bonfire going in time for da mixer, mon. A fire a man's own business."
Marley was referring to Dean Henry Riegert, who recently denied Sigma Nu's request to host the annual homecoming mixer after their back-to-school party resulted in three severe injuries and two cases of acute alcohol poisoning.
"I songs was about the plight of the brothers and sisters in Jamaica, mon," Marley said. "But right now, it is the frata mon who need it more. They are standing by I music during they keg party."
Marley has been touring the country, acting as the voice for America's fraternities.
"Frata mon's life is hard," said Marley during a press conference Monday at Iowa State University's Acacia fraternity. "Professor, he flunk you all the time. Policeman, he ticket you for the noise. Board of Regents, they make so many rule, try to keep the fraternity music down."
In ongoing meetings with fraternity presidents nationwide, Marley said he has heard accounts of mandatory sensitivity seminars, confiscated fake IDs, citations for public nudity, and unfair public perceptions of fraternity members.
These harrowing stories have inspired Marley to hold a benefit concert Oct. 15 at the Las Olas Open-Air Ampitheater in Cabo San Lucas. All proceeds from the benefit, which could prove the largest gathering of reggae-loving frat members since the Reggae Sunsplash tour in 1997, will go to a legal-defense fund overseen by the North American Interfraternity Conference.
Admission to the concert will be free for any member of the fraternity system wearing a baseball hat cocked to the side or back.
"I is hoping to get as many of I brothers to the concert as I can," Marley said. "I want them to see that many people may not hear the cries of the oppressively rich white children, but Bob Marley hear them."
Jason "Boner" Bonham, chapter president of the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity at Tufts University, described Marley's second coming as "killer."
"We're going to Cabo San Lucas!" Bonham said. "The only thing that would be better is if Jim Morrison himself rose from the grave to jam with Bob."
"Seriously, I'm such a huge fan that I've practically worn out my CD copy of Legend. It's the best frick music," Bonham added.
Although Marley will return to his grave after the Cabo San Lucas concert, he said he will rise up occasionally to give impromptu shows in the billiard rooms, arcades, and basements of fraternity houses across the nation.
"Rasta no abide a sad fraternity mon," Marley said. "I and I will see da brothaman through. These songs of freedom… They all they ever had."
WILLIAMSBURG, VA—In an unprecedented effort to fight injustice, reggae music legend Bob Marley, dead since 1981, rose from his grave in Jamaica early Sunday to free his most devoted followers, American college fraternity members, "from the bonds of oppression."
Marley's recordings, which originally raised awareness of the Rastafarian faith and the plight of underprivileged Jamaicans and Africans, have taken on an even deeper meaning as the Greek fraternal system, a maligned, misunderstood minority group itself, has fervently embraced the driving, soulful music.
Minutes after his resurrection, the dreadlocked spirit materialized in the backyard of Epsilon Iota, the Sigma Nu chapter of the College of William and Mary in Virginia. Radiating a transcendent aura, Marley addressed the college's recent campus-wide ban on bonfires.
"I appeared to I fraternity brothers to tell them be strong," said Marley, standing in front of hundreds of hooting fraternity members. "I say don't let dean of students, Henry Riegert, fool ya, or even try to school ya. We'll get that bonfire going in time for da mixer, mon. A fire a man's own business."
Marley was referring to Dean Henry Riegert, who recently denied Sigma Nu's request to host the annual homecoming mixer after their back-to-school party resulted in three severe injuries and two cases of acute alcohol poisoning.
"I songs was about the plight of the brothers and sisters in Jamaica, mon," Marley said. "But right now, it is the frata mon who need it more. They are standing by I music during they keg party."
Marley has been touring the country, acting as the voice for America's fraternities.
"Frata mon's life is hard," said Marley during a press conference Monday at Iowa State University's Acacia fraternity. "Professor, he flunk you all the time. Policeman, he ticket you for the noise. Board of Regents, they make so many rule, try to keep the fraternity music down."
In ongoing meetings with fraternity presidents nationwide, Marley said he has heard accounts of mandatory sensitivity seminars, confiscated fake IDs, citations for public nudity, and unfair public perceptions of fraternity members.
These harrowing stories have inspired Marley to hold a benefit concert Oct. 15 at the Las Olas Open-Air Ampitheater in Cabo San Lucas. All proceeds from the benefit, which could prove the largest gathering of reggae-loving frat members since the Reggae Sunsplash tour in 1997, will go to a legal-defense fund overseen by the North American Interfraternity Conference.
Admission to the concert will be free for any member of the fraternity system wearing a baseball hat cocked to the side or back.
"I is hoping to get as many of I brothers to the concert as I can," Marley said. "I want them to see that many people may not hear the cries of the oppressively rich white children, but Bob Marley hear them."
Jason "Boner" Bonham, chapter president of the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity at Tufts University, described Marley's second coming as "killer."
"We're going to Cabo San Lucas!" Bonham said. "The only thing that would be better is if Jim Morrison himself rose from the grave to jam with Bob."
"Seriously, I'm such a huge fan that I've practically worn out my CD copy of Legend. It's the best frick music," Bonham added.
Although Marley will return to his grave after the Cabo San Lucas concert, he said he will rise up occasionally to give impromptu shows in the billiard rooms, arcades, and basements of fraternity houses across the nation.
"Rasta no abide a sad fraternity mon," Marley said. "I and I will see da brothaman through. These songs of freedom… They all they ever had."
Posted on 1/23/20 at 9:38 am to 32 29 36
quote:
As a nurse
You're not a nurse, Tiger Dave.
Posted on 1/23/20 at 10:12 am to WoWyHi
My favorite part of the Onion is people who don't realize it's satirical, though.
Posted on 1/23/20 at 10:15 am to diddlydawg7
This is the GOAT Onion article.
LINK
World Leaders Gather To Roast Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
It gets a lot more blue after that lol.
LINK
World Leaders Gather To Roast Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
quote:
"Ladies and gentlemen, and Tony Blair, we stand here in the presence of one of the most vicious and destructive forces in the world today—but enough about Bea Arthur," said Annan, gesturing with a tumbler of Makers Mark across the long white tables of chuckling diplomats to the former Golden Girls star. "Some people here tonight will tell you that Mahmoud refuses to engage in diplomatic talks, that he is the most ruthless stonewaller who has ever lived. Well, those people have obviously never met my first wife."
It gets a lot more blue after that lol.
This post was edited on 1/23/20 at 10:18 am
Posted on 1/23/20 at 10:26 am to TejasHorn
Before smart phones, the books The Onion put out of all their articles was the greatest bathroom reading.
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