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Message
What is you favorite article from the Onion?
Posted on 1/22/20 at 10:43 pm
Posted on 1/22/20 at 10:43 pm
Pornhub Announces Contest to Allow One Person Under 18 to View their Content
quote:
MONTREAL—Shocking the internet with their offer to allow one fortunate adolescent the once-in-a-lifetime chance to look at adult material online, pornographic website PornHub announced a contest Wednesday which would allow one winning under-18 entrant to view its content. “We are proud to offer one lucky minor the incredibly rare opportunity to view both still photography of naked people and videos of people having sex with each other—sights that no one under 18 has ever before encountered on the internet—for a 24-hour period,” said Vice President of Operations Corey Price
quote:
a PornHub password that would allow the underage winner to experience the sight of total nudity. “The best part is that you don’t need permission from a parent or legal guardian. As long as you’re a teen, tween, or younger and love porn, you’re eligible to participate.” The winner will reportedly be expected to sign a legally binding non-disclosure agreement ensuring they will not describe anything they see to anyone else who is under the age of 18.
24
Posted on 1/22/20 at 10:48 pm to diddlydawg7
Babylon Bee >>> The Onion
Posted on 1/22/20 at 10:50 pm to diddlydawg7
Babylon Bee is so much better than the onion.
LINK
LINK
quote:
Increasingly Secular Nation Replaces Outdated Religious Ideas With End Times Prophecies, Moral Judgments
The increasingly secular nation has replaced its outdated religious ideas with more advanced, enlightened ideas, like telling you what behavior is immoral and predicting when the world is going to end.
Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has just predicted that the world will end in 12 years if you do not give the government more power over your life. Leftists across the country agreed this is a big improvement on outlandish religious claims that the world will end and you will be judged for your sin one day soon.
In addition, Lady Gaga pronounced Mike Pence's Christianity as lacking morality, a claim immediately praised by the same people who agree that morality is relative and that you can't judge people based on who they are or what they do.
"Having been freed from the shackles of religion, we will now make wild predictions about when the world will end and inform you who is moral and who is not," atheist small group leader Beorn Mingles said at a Portland coffee shop Tuesday. "Finally, we have cast off the opiate of the masses and instead will just tell you what to believe and how to behave."
"I'm glad it's the 21st century," he added, chuckling, as his small group members arrived, marked-up copies of The God Delusion in tow. "Living under the thumb of religion's doomsday declarations and moral judgments is so last millennium."
This post was edited on 1/22/20 at 10:51 pm
Posted on 1/22/20 at 10:55 pm to diddlydawg7
European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men
Alyssa Lerner
Junior, Boston University
Alyssa Lerner
Junior, Boston University
I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The French countryside was like something out of a storybook, the Roman ruins were magnificent, and the men, well, European men are by far the most romantic in the world.
You American men all think you're so suave and sophisticated. Well, think again! European men make you look like the immature, inexperienced little children you are. They really know how to make a woman feel special over there. Unlike the so-called men here in the States, European men know how to treat a woman right.
For one thing, European men aren't afraid to come up and talk to you. And they know how to start slow, with a nice cup of Italian espresso or a long walk on some historic street. They know the places you can't find in any tourist guide. They know the whole history of the cities in which they live—who the fountains are named after, who the statues are.
I remember one unforgettable night in Athens, I sat and listened to a Greek sailor for hours as he told me about the countless men who fought over Helen back in ancient times. Afterward, he told me he loved his homeland even more now that he'd seen it through my eyes. I ask you, would an American man ever say something as deep and beautiful as that?
European men know the most romantic little cafés and bistros and trattorias, candlelit places where you can be alone and drink the most fantastic wine. They tell you what's on the menu and what you should try. (If it wasn't for a certain young man in Milan, I never would have discovered fusilli a spinaci et scampi.) And the whole time, they're looking deep into your eyes, like you're the only woman on the entire planet. What woman could resist a man like that? Then, after a moonlit stroll along the waterfront and a kiss in the doorway of their artist's loft, you find yourself unable to—well, I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
I'll never forget my magical semester abroad. One thing's for sure—I'm ruined for American men forever!
American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy
Giovanni Di Salvi
Giovanni Di Salvi
I'm a 25-year-old carpenter living in Rome, and I don't mind telling you that I get all the action I can handle. I'm not all that handsome or well-dressed, and I'm certainly not rich. In fact, my Italian countrywomen could take me or leave me. But that's just fine, because Rome gets loads of tourist traffic, and American co-eds traveling through Europe are without a doubt the easiest lays in the world.
Being European gives me a hell of an advantage. I'm not sure why, but there's something about the accent that opens a lot of doors. All you have to do is go up to them, act a little shy and say, "Whould hyou like to go with me, Signorina, for a café?" I actually have to thicken up my accent a little, but they never, ever catch on.
After a cheap coffee, which to them always tastes better than anything they've ever had, because they're in Europe, it's time to walk them. Now, all they know about Rome is what they've read in Let's Go, so you can pretty much just make up a whole bunch of shite. It's fun to see how much they'll swallow: As long as I refer to Italy as "my homeland" and other Italians as "my people," they'll believe pretty much anything. I don't know who most of the local statues are, so I tell the muffins they're all great artists and poets and lovers. Once, just for the hell of it, I told a psychology major from the University of Maryland that a public staircase was part of the Spanish Steps, which she'd never even heard of. Another time, I told this blonde from Michigan State that the public library was the Parthenon, and she cooed like I'd just given her a diamond.
For dinner, I usually take them to some cheap little hole in the wall, someplace deserted where not even the cops eat. American girls think candlelight means "romance," not "deteriorating public utilities," so they just poke their nipples through their J. Crew sweaters and never notice that there's no electricity. Just as well, because Roman restaurants aren't exactly the cleanest. After a bunch of fast-talk about the menu, I get them the special, which is usually some anonymous pasta with spinach and day-old shrimp, and whatever cheap, generic, Pope's-blood chianti's at the bottom of the list.
By this time, they're usually standing in a slippery little puddle. Going in for the kill, I walk them past one of Rome's famous 2,000-year-old open cesspools. Then, as we open the door to my shitty efficiency, I kiss them on the eyelids so they don't see the roaches, making sure the first thing they see is the strategically positioned artist's easel I bought at some church sale. That's usually all they need to see and, like clockwork, they fall backwards on my bed with their Birkenstocks in the air.
I mean, they're hardly Italian women, but we have a saying here in Europe: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Alyssa Lerner
Junior, Boston University
Alyssa Lerner
Junior, Boston University
I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The French countryside was like something out of a storybook, the Roman ruins were magnificent, and the men, well, European men are by far the most romantic in the world.
You American men all think you're so suave and sophisticated. Well, think again! European men make you look like the immature, inexperienced little children you are. They really know how to make a woman feel special over there. Unlike the so-called men here in the States, European men know how to treat a woman right.
For one thing, European men aren't afraid to come up and talk to you. And they know how to start slow, with a nice cup of Italian espresso or a long walk on some historic street. They know the places you can't find in any tourist guide. They know the whole history of the cities in which they live—who the fountains are named after, who the statues are.
I remember one unforgettable night in Athens, I sat and listened to a Greek sailor for hours as he told me about the countless men who fought over Helen back in ancient times. Afterward, he told me he loved his homeland even more now that he'd seen it through my eyes. I ask you, would an American man ever say something as deep and beautiful as that?
European men know the most romantic little cafés and bistros and trattorias, candlelit places where you can be alone and drink the most fantastic wine. They tell you what's on the menu and what you should try. (If it wasn't for a certain young man in Milan, I never would have discovered fusilli a spinaci et scampi.) And the whole time, they're looking deep into your eyes, like you're the only woman on the entire planet. What woman could resist a man like that? Then, after a moonlit stroll along the waterfront and a kiss in the doorway of their artist's loft, you find yourself unable to—well, I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
I'll never forget my magical semester abroad. One thing's for sure—I'm ruined for American men forever!
American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy
Giovanni Di Salvi
Giovanni Di Salvi
I'm a 25-year-old carpenter living in Rome, and I don't mind telling you that I get all the action I can handle. I'm not all that handsome or well-dressed, and I'm certainly not rich. In fact, my Italian countrywomen could take me or leave me. But that's just fine, because Rome gets loads of tourist traffic, and American co-eds traveling through Europe are without a doubt the easiest lays in the world.
Being European gives me a hell of an advantage. I'm not sure why, but there's something about the accent that opens a lot of doors. All you have to do is go up to them, act a little shy and say, "Whould hyou like to go with me, Signorina, for a café?" I actually have to thicken up my accent a little, but they never, ever catch on.
After a cheap coffee, which to them always tastes better than anything they've ever had, because they're in Europe, it's time to walk them. Now, all they know about Rome is what they've read in Let's Go, so you can pretty much just make up a whole bunch of shite. It's fun to see how much they'll swallow: As long as I refer to Italy as "my homeland" and other Italians as "my people," they'll believe pretty much anything. I don't know who most of the local statues are, so I tell the muffins they're all great artists and poets and lovers. Once, just for the hell of it, I told a psychology major from the University of Maryland that a public staircase was part of the Spanish Steps, which she'd never even heard of. Another time, I told this blonde from Michigan State that the public library was the Parthenon, and she cooed like I'd just given her a diamond.
For dinner, I usually take them to some cheap little hole in the wall, someplace deserted where not even the cops eat. American girls think candlelight means "romance," not "deteriorating public utilities," so they just poke their nipples through their J. Crew sweaters and never notice that there's no electricity. Just as well, because Roman restaurants aren't exactly the cleanest. After a bunch of fast-talk about the menu, I get them the special, which is usually some anonymous pasta with spinach and day-old shrimp, and whatever cheap, generic, Pope's-blood chianti's at the bottom of the list.
By this time, they're usually standing in a slippery little puddle. Going in for the kill, I walk them past one of Rome's famous 2,000-year-old open cesspools. Then, as we open the door to my shitty efficiency, I kiss them on the eyelids so they don't see the roaches, making sure the first thing they see is the strategically positioned artist's easel I bought at some church sale. That's usually all they need to see and, like clockwork, they fall backwards on my bed with their Birkenstocks in the air.
I mean, they're hardly Italian women, but we have a saying here in Europe: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Posted on 1/22/20 at 11:07 pm to cable
Posted on 1/22/20 at 11:11 pm to Grievous Angel
quote:WTF? Named after a Gram Parsons song and I never heard of you?
Grievous Angel
quote:Oh... Not even trying
Member since Dec 2008
4441 posts
Posted on 1/22/20 at 11:17 pm to diddlydawg7
Posted on 1/22/20 at 11:19 pm to The Quiet One
Also, the one about Awesome Toy Banned because of Three Stupid Dead Kids.
Posted on 1/22/20 at 11:19 pm to Kafka
The one they recycle for every mass shooting:
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
ISLA VISTA, CA—In the days following a violent rampage in southern California in which a lone attacker killed seven individuals, including himself, and seriously injured over a dozen others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said North Carolina resident Samuel Wipper, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this guy from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what he really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past five years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
ISLA VISTA, CA—In the days following a violent rampage in southern California in which a lone attacker killed seven individuals, including himself, and seriously injured over a dozen others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said North Carolina resident Samuel Wipper, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this guy from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what he really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past five years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Posted on 1/22/20 at 11:21 pm to mmmmmbeeer
Posted on 1/23/20 at 12:15 am to diddlydawg7
Smoove’s columns
Posted on 1/23/20 at 12:26 am to diddlydawg7
let's not forget about duffel blog...
For full effect READ UNTIL THE LAST SENTENCE
quote:
Air Force To Adopt Prancercise Physical Fitness Program
quote:
“Based on feedback from our airmen, we believe tying our physical training to tired ‘workout’ routines and exercising in confined, unnatural environments like gyms is dehumanizing,” said Air Force spokesperson Capt. Steve Stephens. “We’re not like those poop throwing rock-apes they have in the Marines — hanging around a weight room full of meatheads lifting heavy objects and putting them down again is a redundancy beneath every airmen.”
For full effect READ UNTIL THE LAST SENTENCE
Posted on 1/23/20 at 2:24 am to IceTiger
God Answers Prayers from Paralyzed Little Boy
“No,” Says God
“No,” Says God
Posted on 1/23/20 at 3:55 am to diddlydawg7
hijackers in hell
""I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."
Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.
"It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun.""
""I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."
Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.
"It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun.""
Posted on 1/23/20 at 4:29 am to diddlydawg7
I’m more interested in authentic content.
Posted on 1/23/20 at 4:30 am to Mr Clean
Autistic content
Posted on 1/23/20 at 5:32 am to diddlydawg7
98% of Commuters Support Public Transportation for Other Drivers
Posted on 1/23/20 at 5:36 am to diddlydawg7
use of "N" word may end porn stars career
Alzheimer's patents say they don't have Alzheimer's
Alzheimer's patents say they don't have Alzheimer's
This post was edited on 1/23/20 at 5:44 am
Posted on 1/23/20 at 5:39 am to diddlydawg7
This, from the Onion News Network.
Youtube link to “The Grabbler”
Youtube link to “The Grabbler”
This post was edited on 1/23/20 at 5:40 am
Posted on 1/23/20 at 5:47 am to diddlydawg7
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