re: The most bogus narrative being propagated on couples with problems

Communication is the key to any relationship working. This applies with personal and business relationships. It amazes me how many couples just cant hold a sensible conversation without getting in an argument over something simple.

There’s a difference between a relationship that leaves you feeling happy and grateful, and the type of person who exhausts you, wasting your time, and bleeding you dry emotionally and mentally.

Oh. I agree.

It should not be a struggle. And, perhaps "work" can be too strong a word.

Effort. Definitely requires effort.

The most important thing is compatibility. Opposites may attract but compatible partners stay together. People may think the wife and I are total opposites but in reality we both have similar values, interests, education, aspirations and goals in life. That being said. Relationships do require work, but so does life in general. If we all act the same as we did when we were 18-24, we suck at life in general. Relationships require each person to be introspective and improve in their own faults while trying to accept the faults of their spouse. I've done my best not to be the overbearing, domineering, condescending a-hole my dad was to my mom and us. So, I come on here and vent that demon. But it does take work and an ego check to admit your flaws to yourself and try to improve them. My personal goal is to make myself a better person each year. I used to harp on my wife about things, but what I've found is that as I do better, she does better. We've had our issues but sooner or later, someone has to suck up their ego and be the adult. Set the example. And I don't mean change yourself. Be who you are, but a better version. Worst case scenario, you're a better person and ready for market if shite don't work out.

Oh I agree it takes investment but when you see an opportunity to get a good return there are neither regrets nor anxiety about the cost. The question becomes about your investment: Do you think it’s a waste of time? If you see a promising future with this person, and respect each other’s differences and are willing to talk them out until everyone feels good, that doesn't feel like work. But if you are doing this so often it impedes on your ability to enjoy each other, then maybe these differences are indications of a bad fit. You don't wear shoes that don't fit well for an extended period but people stay in bad relationships for years.

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How hard should you be working? Should you feel tired and stressed out all the time? Should you constantly be making concessions and worrying? Should a relationship be so much work? What’s the right amount of work?

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Tough question. Early in a relationship, it should not require much work, but if you've been with someone for years and years, there will be rough patches. Constant concessions and worrying? No. Concessions must be made. Life is full of compromises. Both parties must give a little to get a little. The right amount of work? That's a tough one. The wife and I had a rough two years awhile back. Work, kids, stress and her turning 30 led to a depressive episode for her I didn't think she'd ever get out of. She wasn't the person I married and neither was I. But I knew I could and would be better...or hoped. I had times when I thought "frick it, it's not worth it" and she didn't seem to give a shite about changing or meeting my needs. Then, it was like flipping a switch. One day she came to me and apologized for how she'd acted and treated my the last few years, and that although she'd always played the victim in her mind and I was the a-hole, she realized her behavior towards me is what triggered my anger and resentment and that no one else would've put up with her shite like I did. Just hearing that gave me the renewed energy to proceed forward. 8 years later things are better than ever. She's back to the being the woman I married and fell in love with and I'm not such an a-hole tyrant.


ETA-to sum it up. Both of us thought the other didn't appreciate us and we deserved better. We were both right.

I am wanting to make clear that in no way am I arguing for abandoning your problems nor family in favor of a fantasy that you are just in the wrong relationship. There needs to be a recognizable distinction between singles and married with children in this discussion. The Hollywood formula for romance doesn't work. It says fix all your hopes and dreams on the right person. Find them and be happy. If you're not happy return to step one. This leads to a cyclical process of marriage divorce and remarriage. What I am saying is face the brutal facts. If you are single and in a bad relationship, like a bad fitting shoe needs to be removed, so too must a bad partner. If you are married and a bad relationship just know that relationships that take work are not good ones. You may want to get some help and learn how to have a good relationship that will be a blessing not an emotional/psychology drain on your life.

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Is that work?

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It has to be a balance. You don’t want to work on something that makes you miserable more often than it makes you happy. You have to weigh the pros and cons and decide if it’s worth the investment of so much time in the relationship. Do you want to be with someone if you’re crying more than you’re smiling or stressed out more than you’re content? If that is the case then you may have a real problem. However it should be pointed out, you also want someone who challenges you and makes you think and who will fight for their opinions. You don’t want a dead fish.

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Been with my wife almost 20 years, married and dating. Never have drama, never had a fight,

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bullshite. Going by whatever loose definition you're using I'm sure few of us have ever had a fight.

I don't doubt that you've got a great relationship, but there is no need to exaggerate about never having a fight in 20 years.

I am pretty sure my wife got wet when I yelled at her.