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re: So..got in a fight with the wife tonight…
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:25 am to SquatchDawg
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:25 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
she’s drinking a half to full bottle of wine a night.
Shes lost her sense of self
1) Her attachment to her roots are gone
2) The children she raised are fully independent of her
3) #2 is much more brutal because she just came out of being a required caregiver to basically not needed
4) Nothing seems important to her because she has no joy
5) She wants to go back in time, but cant get there
Your impasse is that you see the future, and it will require more funds. She doesnt care enough to assist right now. It all falls to you. And that sucks
1
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:25 am to slackster
The sad thing is guys…that would give me an easy exit from this situation.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:26 am to SquatchDawg
She’s depressed. Possibly cheating. Some of those activities with friends could be lies and she’s getting dicked down.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:27 am to SquatchDawg
Age of wife?
Coupled with depression could be peri menopausal which will wreck hormones and everything else
Get her to a dr stat
Coupled with depression could be peri menopausal which will wreck hormones and everything else
Get her to a dr stat
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:28 am to UncleRuckus
I know her friends as well asi know her. We’re talking a 50 yr old woman here. That’s not happening yet.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:29 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
Her sole focus is on lunch with her friends, girls weekend with her friends, yoga with her friends, etc.
One of her friends is a Jody. Maybe more than one.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:29 am to SquatchDawg
Married 25 years and had a similar event. Wife's dad did hospice at our house. After he passed she got very depressed and started drinking. Absolutely a totally different person.
I don't have much advice other than to say it can get better. It was a really hard time and I literally slept on our porch more than once during the worst of it.
The root of the change started with her dads death so we dealt with that in a lot of ways. We also made a deal 4 years ago. No more drinking and all social media got deleted. Our lives are unbelievably better now in all aspects. We watch shows together every night and pretty much live like it's the 80s with the exception of me using tigerdroppings as my news source.
Drinking every night can really screw a person up. It's a depressant and it will effect you even during the day when you aren't actively drinking.
I don't have much advice other than to say it can get better. It was a really hard time and I literally slept on our porch more than once during the worst of it.
The root of the change started with her dads death so we dealt with that in a lot of ways. We also made a deal 4 years ago. No more drinking and all social media got deleted. Our lives are unbelievably better now in all aspects. We watch shows together every night and pretty much live like it's the 80s with the exception of me using tigerdroppings as my news source.
Drinking every night can really screw a person up. It's a depressant and it will effect you even during the day when you aren't actively drinking.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:31 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
“ Do you think I do what I do because I want to? No…I have no choice”
Oof
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:31 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
nobody would hire me”.
Resume: Depressed alcoholic who hasn’t worked in 20 years and can’t even take care of basic housework.
She’s right. Nobody would hire her.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:31 am to SquatchDawg
Step back and assess what she truly values at this point. Learn what leverage you have. I don’t mean it in a bad way. Manipulating a situation to better her and your family is honorable and respectful. Find the leverage and use it, ethically, to get her into therapy with you. And do a ton of research to make sure you pick a very good and well established therapist. Not Bobby Sue’s aunt’s neighbor.
It will be hard for her to hear you. A third party unbiased observer that is well trained is your best bet. Don’t go at it alone. Seek help. Quality help. A bad therapist is worse than no therapist.
She probably has not properly dealt with the loss and trauma. It can eat someone from the inside out. Most people avoid it, which is the worse thing to do. That doesn’t make it go away. It allows it to fester beneath the skin. Get infected. And can destroy both the mind and body.
Please know that as bad as it feels like things are right now, they could be far worse. Your timing is spot on to intervene. You are going through a very difficult time. Your wife, the love of your life, is also going through a very difficult time. She has experience significant loss. And it sounds like her Dad gave her major trauma that is now wrapped up in loss.
A first step might be to write her a letter(you could also show her the post you made teaching out for help on TD—-where the % of real and non tldr responses will be a bit low). Pour your heart out. But write this letter in a way that she will best receive it. Write it for her eyes and heart and not from your fist and gut. Wait a few days, and then read it. Make sure the wording is not aggressive. You don’t want her to get defensive when reading it. However, you can make your points. Come from love. And sadness. And fear.
A letter lets you carefully script your message and wording to land softly and most effectively. Start by telling her things you love about her. Then tell her things you miss about her. Express yourself. And make sure to end the letter with hope. Knowing you are hopeful things will get better is key(and it implies there is another direction this can go—-which is likely some leverage you have).
I’m very sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you and your family. May better times be soon upon you.
It will be hard for her to hear you. A third party unbiased observer that is well trained is your best bet. Don’t go at it alone. Seek help. Quality help. A bad therapist is worse than no therapist.
She probably has not properly dealt with the loss and trauma. It can eat someone from the inside out. Most people avoid it, which is the worse thing to do. That doesn’t make it go away. It allows it to fester beneath the skin. Get infected. And can destroy both the mind and body.
Please know that as bad as it feels like things are right now, they could be far worse. Your timing is spot on to intervene. You are going through a very difficult time. Your wife, the love of your life, is also going through a very difficult time. She has experience significant loss. And it sounds like her Dad gave her major trauma that is now wrapped up in loss.
A first step might be to write her a letter(you could also show her the post you made teaching out for help on TD—-where the % of real and non tldr responses will be a bit low). Pour your heart out. But write this letter in a way that she will best receive it. Write it for her eyes and heart and not from your fist and gut. Wait a few days, and then read it. Make sure the wording is not aggressive. You don’t want her to get defensive when reading it. However, you can make your points. Come from love. And sadness. And fear.
A letter lets you carefully script your message and wording to land softly and most effectively. Start by telling her things you love about her. Then tell her things you miss about her. Express yourself. And make sure to end the letter with hope. Knowing you are hopeful things will get better is key(and it implies there is another direction this can go—-which is likely some leverage you have).
I’m very sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you and your family. May better times be soon upon you.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:32 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
know her friends as well asi know her. We’re talking a 50 yr old woman here. That’s not happening yet
A couple of points here.
1. Her friends will provide cover for her, 100% over you.
2. The cheating aspect could be one offs. No real relationships, just the random dude like you see on girls trips.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:34 am to SquatchDawg
So she’s acting like a woman after 25 years of marriage.
Either accept it, bc she won’t change, or leave.
Anything else
Will be miserable
Either accept it, bc she won’t change, or leave.
Anything else
Will be miserable
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:34 am to SquatchDawg
As others have already said, your wife sounds depressed, and she should likely see a therapist.
However, what if the two of you go together to a couples therapist? You can pitch it as "something's wrong with us, and I'd like to fix it/fix us." You're likely to get a lot of resistance if it is presented as "YOU need therapy." If you choose this approach, be sure to do some research, as counseling and advising couples is its own subset or specialty. Being a great individual therapist doesn't automatically mean the individual can or will be good with couples.
You might also consider individual counseling for yourself. It sounds like you need someone to whom you can vent, and talk, and a therapist can give you tips or advice on things you can do for yourself, your wife, and your family.
Let me say up front that I hope you and your wife can get back to how y'all were prior to your in-laws becoming sick and dying. However, if things continue to deteriorate, by going to therapy, whether individually or together, you'll be able to tell yourself that you made every reasonable effort to repair and save the relationship.
Good Luck, and may God bless you and your wife.
However, what if the two of you go together to a couples therapist? You can pitch it as "something's wrong with us, and I'd like to fix it/fix us." You're likely to get a lot of resistance if it is presented as "YOU need therapy." If you choose this approach, be sure to do some research, as counseling and advising couples is its own subset or specialty. Being a great individual therapist doesn't automatically mean the individual can or will be good with couples.
You might also consider individual counseling for yourself. It sounds like you need someone to whom you can vent, and talk, and a therapist can give you tips or advice on things you can do for yourself, your wife, and your family.
Let me say up front that I hope you and your wife can get back to how y'all were prior to your in-laws becoming sick and dying. However, if things continue to deteriorate, by going to therapy, whether individually or together, you'll be able to tell yourself that you made every reasonable effort to repair and save the relationship.
Good Luck, and may God bless you and your wife.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:36 am to ronniep1
quote:
As others have already said, your wife sounds depressed, and she should likely see a therapist.
I agree. Hopefully she's willing to do that.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:36 am to SquatchDawg
To me (not a doctor) this sounds like classic depression brought about by too much alcohol.
I don't think the depression is making her drink, I think the drinking is making her depressed.
I never had (and still don't) a drinking problem, but a few years back I had a rough time with several big bad things happening at once over a brief period of time. Suddenly i noticed I was drinking a lot more than earlier. I never missed work, never did anything dumb, and never "needed" a drink, but it was getting....a bit worrisome.
I spoke to a pastor and he said, three bits of advice. First advice is you are not alcoholic, so this might be tough but not that tough, just don't drink for one month. Have a bender tonight if you want, then nothing for 30 days and come back and see me. You don't have to change anything else. Nothing. Just no drinking.
It really wasn't that hard. So 30 days later he tells me "second advice, now do three months".
90 days later as you can guess it was "do six months" but by then I already had decided to do that even if he suggested something else. I slept better, ate better, smiled more, just generally felt better all over.
Now I still drink rarely (which is exactly what I was doing before four tragedies took place in seven months), a beer on the fourth of July and that's it (which is what I did before, no problems) but drinking half a bottle a day, every day, not good, Not good at all.
The huge problem you will have is convincing her to do it. How is her weight? Suggest you BOTH go on a diet with Monjaurno or something (as a "thing to do together" because I have heard it really reduces (by a lot) the desire to drink. Or talk to a doctor or something. Good luck! Your situation is not hopeless at all.
I don't think the depression is making her drink, I think the drinking is making her depressed.
I never had (and still don't) a drinking problem, but a few years back I had a rough time with several big bad things happening at once over a brief period of time. Suddenly i noticed I was drinking a lot more than earlier. I never missed work, never did anything dumb, and never "needed" a drink, but it was getting....a bit worrisome.
I spoke to a pastor and he said, three bits of advice. First advice is you are not alcoholic, so this might be tough but not that tough, just don't drink for one month. Have a bender tonight if you want, then nothing for 30 days and come back and see me. You don't have to change anything else. Nothing. Just no drinking.
It really wasn't that hard. So 30 days later he tells me "second advice, now do three months".
90 days later as you can guess it was "do six months" but by then I already had decided to do that even if he suggested something else. I slept better, ate better, smiled more, just generally felt better all over.
Now I still drink rarely (which is exactly what I was doing before four tragedies took place in seven months), a beer on the fourth of July and that's it (which is what I did before, no problems) but drinking half a bottle a day, every day, not good, Not good at all.
The huge problem you will have is convincing her to do it. How is her weight? Suggest you BOTH go on a diet with Monjaurno or something (as a "thing to do together" because I have heard it really reduces (by a lot) the desire to drink. Or talk to a doctor or something. Good luck! Your situation is not hopeless at all.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:37 am to Twenty 49
quote:
he’s right. Nobody would hire her.
The sad thing is she’s one of the best sales people I’ve ever known….and you’re talking to a guy that has worked with 7 figure sales guys. She’s that good at closing but hates it.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:39 am to Tr33fiddy
quote:
and all social media got deleted
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:43 am to BawtHouse
This board is mostly bullshite….but whoever you are….bless you for this.
And I mean that!
And I mean that!
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:55 am to Eurocat
I’m going to throw this out her pe as it’s late and I’ve also been drinking tonight.
I’m 53 yrs old
I’ve provided for my wife and kids to this point…which is upper middle class I would estimate.
Why am I having to deal with this bullshite?
I’m 53 yrs old
I’ve provided for my wife and kids to this point…which is upper middle class I would estimate.
Why am I having to deal with this bullshite?
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:56 am to ronniep1
As a follow-up, if you begin couples therapy, that professional can say to your wife "I really think you have some things to work out/work through that are separate and apart from your husband." Hopefully she would take that constructively since it would be coming from an objective individual.
Also, and this is not a criticism of you, but there are things or areas where we can all do better, or improve our situations. So maybe you pick up a few pointers as well. And again, should it all go to Hell, you can tell yourself that "I made certain changes, or altered these behaviors, and it still didn't work."
The biggest thing to remember is that you can't change what or who your wife has become. All the therapy, work, and hope in the world, on your part, won't change her unless she wants to change as well. Or maybe instead of change, I should say "unless she wants to go back to her old self."
Once again, good luck, and may God bless.
Also, and this is not a criticism of you, but there are things or areas where we can all do better, or improve our situations. So maybe you pick up a few pointers as well. And again, should it all go to Hell, you can tell yourself that "I made certain changes, or altered these behaviors, and it still didn't work."
The biggest thing to remember is that you can't change what or who your wife has become. All the therapy, work, and hope in the world, on your part, won't change her unless she wants to change as well. Or maybe instead of change, I should say "unless she wants to go back to her old self."
Once again, good luck, and may God bless.
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