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re: So..got in a fight with the wife tonight…
Posted on 6/27/25 at 9:35 am to SquatchDawg
Posted on 6/27/25 at 9:35 am to SquatchDawg
That's classic depression.
Not trying to cause extra grief, but she has cheated on you, or is currently.
She's in that mid-life crisis, and is fantasizing about life with another guy. The subconscious tactic is to make you so completely miserable, the end result is divorce. This is her coping mechanism. Once you are miserable, you'll already be in a pattern of constant arguing. She'll use this situation (which she created entirely) as justification for breaking apart the family.
The resulting problem for her:
-- She'll still be miserable once its all done because she can't escape herself and she became a monster no one wants. But she'll be able to blame you for everything.
This is a often repeated story. Good luck brother.
Not trying to cause extra grief, but she has cheated on you, or is currently.
She's in that mid-life crisis, and is fantasizing about life with another guy. The subconscious tactic is to make you so completely miserable, the end result is divorce. This is her coping mechanism. Once you are miserable, you'll already be in a pattern of constant arguing. She'll use this situation (which she created entirely) as justification for breaking apart the family.
The resulting problem for her:
-- She'll still be miserable once its all done because she can't escape herself and she became a monster no one wants. But she'll be able to blame you for everything.
This is a often repeated story. Good luck brother.
0
Posted on 6/27/25 at 9:39 am to 777Tiger
quote:
we've been empty nesters for years and even though I'm retirement age(beyond really,) I still work because I love it, the wife isn't the sit around type either, she works, has a fun job, makes pretty good money at it and it doesn't interfere with our traveling and recreating, good balance
So no yoga with friends, lunch and dinner with friends, and girls trips?
I wonder if people see the contrast in what you've posted versus what the OP posted. You can clearly see the priorities in both.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 9:40 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
So to tonight..obviously this has been building. We’re looking at putting two kids through college and I’ve been pressing that it’s time to get a job. Just a minimal income over the next 7 years to supplement what I make really could move the needle. The youngest will be driving n 6 mths and I work from home…so we don’t need the mom shuttle any more.
I’m with the wife here. That’s a jerk move to ask her to get a job after making a deal that she’d be a stay-at-home mom.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 9:45 am to Oates Mustache
quote:
You can clearly see the priorities in both.
yeah, I think his wife is being selfish, I get the loss of parents, but we all go through that, part of life(maybe OP's wife was an only child?) my wife worked full time when the kids were growing up, no nanny, no house cleaner, kids never missed an event and we rarely did(I traveled for my job,) the best example I ever used was watching my mom, there were five kids, my dad worked full time while starting his business and she helped him, we weren't neglected and had a great upbringing, I know of a few young couples that have a house cleaner and a nanny for each kid, why tf bother having kids?
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 9:55 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 9:50 am to SquatchDawg
Go post this on Reddit - Am I the a-hole?
Should be fun.
Anyway, your spouse needs to get out of her comfort zone. She seems to have insulated herself and the excessive use of alcohol is not good. Get her to smoke a joint, screw her brains out, tell her you love her and tell her that you've seen a doctor because you're so stressed out about the planning for your kids' education and having the funds, that you have had a few panic attacks. Tell her you didn't want to take the anti-anxiety meds the doctor wanted to prescribe, even though the doctor says the stress is bad for your heart.
Then ask her if there's anything she could do to help out and relieve you of the stress. If she still says 'no', your issue isn't funding the kids' education. It's what to do about being in a marriage where one partner won't support the other. That doesn't make you an a-hole. But it does make you sick to think about it because sometimes the truth about a marriage is stuffed deep inside and people refuse to accept their actual reality.
All that stuff I wrote, don't actually lie to your wife, but if you are feeling stressed about it, talk to your doctor. Believe me, your physician is not going to judge you. He or she is only interested in your health, and if you are stressed out and sick with worry, this is a good first step to getting help for yourself.
Should be fun.
Anyway, your spouse needs to get out of her comfort zone. She seems to have insulated herself and the excessive use of alcohol is not good. Get her to smoke a joint, screw her brains out, tell her you love her and tell her that you've seen a doctor because you're so stressed out about the planning for your kids' education and having the funds, that you have had a few panic attacks. Tell her you didn't want to take the anti-anxiety meds the doctor wanted to prescribe, even though the doctor says the stress is bad for your heart.
Then ask her if there's anything she could do to help out and relieve you of the stress. If she still says 'no', your issue isn't funding the kids' education. It's what to do about being in a marriage where one partner won't support the other. That doesn't make you an a-hole. But it does make you sick to think about it because sometimes the truth about a marriage is stuffed deep inside and people refuse to accept their actual reality.
All that stuff I wrote, don't actually lie to your wife, but if you are feeling stressed about it, talk to your doctor. Believe me, your physician is not going to judge you. He or she is only interested in your health, and if you are stressed out and sick with worry, this is a good first step to getting help for yourself.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 9:54 am to MyRockstarComplex
I'm sorry but I have no room to speak on this subject further.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 9:55 am to SquatchDawg
Divorce her and go find a Latina that will appreciate you. Life it too short to deal with all that bullshite.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 9:59 am to ronricks
quote:
Divorce her
Especially if you're in a state where adultery bars alimony. This woman seems to be depressed but somehow has time for girls trips, yoga and wine nights with her friends. She's 100% cheating on OP with someone and is trying to make him completely miserable so that he'll leave and she can collect lifetime alimony and half his shite. OP, hire a private investigator ASAP.
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 10:01 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 9:59 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
Why am I having to deal with this bullshite?
Because you love her, you know she's hurting and that hurt is harming her, you and your family. Ultimately though, it's not about you (even though it can feel that way), it's about her.
While she may be pushing a front of distancing and/or not caring, inside she's a roiling ball of emotions. She may not be aware of why she's behaving this way or even that she's behaving in a harming manner in the first place.
It sounds like the deaths of her parents hurt her, especially that of her father, and she hasn't really dealt with that completely. The events with her parents sound like they came at a time which then led into her kids needing her less. Armchair analyzing here, but it all sounds like she went through a long period of being the Care-er-in-Chief and while it drained her (mentally, physically, emotionally), it all came to an end close enough together to leave her feeling like there's a void in her life now.
As mentioned above, she may not even realize it. If this is the case, then she's trying to fill a void while not realizing she's trying to do so and that's leading her into feeling depressed and frustrated with this change in life. On top of that, she's coming into this period of not being needed as much as she's hitting those middle years, where it sounds like she feels like she's too old to be a desirable hire for any worthwhile job.
As others have said (in far better terms than I can), she needs therapy to talk this out with an unbiased third party and you both need some couples counseling together.
This isn't unfixable, it's just going to take time and patience. Good luck to you and your family.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 10:00 am to Bard
This thread makes me sad
Posted on 6/27/25 at 10:04 am to SquatchDawg
As far as the job front, when we lost our family business, both my parents had to essentially start over in their 50's. My mom that was a stay at home and had not worked in 25 years started off by doing volunteer work at our local hospital. Just getting your wife engaged in the practice of getting up and being productive on a daily basis could be a start. As others have said a good therapist to help guide you all through this process is probably going to be essential
Posted on 6/27/25 at 10:14 am to ThuperThumpin
A lot of great advice in this thread
This post was edited on 7/8/25 at 4:56 pm
Posted on 6/27/25 at 10:16 am to SquatchDawg
I'm sorry you are going through this scenario with your wife. I might sound like a callous a-hole, but four plus years of extreme grieving is too damn much for an adult. She needs to suck it up and get passed it in order to be there for you and your sons. Additionally, it's sad that she can't looked beyond herself and her desires to get a job to help during these college years. The drinking us a huge damn problem.
I don't have any suggestions or answers, but I hope the best for you and your family.
I don't have any suggestions or answers, but I hope the best for you and your family.
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 10:17 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 10:24 am to SCLibertarian
quote:
This woman seems to be depressed but somehow has time for girls trips, yoga and wine nights with her friends. She's 100% cheating on OP with someone and is trying to make him completely miserable so that he'll leave and she can collect lifetime alimony and half his shite. OP, hire a private investigator ASAP.
If she's not, she's about to. But there is a very strong connection to depression and cheating. I posted about it a few pages back. If he gets her help, or she seeks help, maybe he can stop it before she cheats.
In my world, once that act is done, you're for the streets, tainted.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 10:25 am to Oates Mustache
quote:
In my world, once that act is done, you're for the streets,
yessir
Posted on 6/27/25 at 10:38 am to SquatchDawg
Sounds like the drinking is the result of depression from being the care giver for her dying parents. Maybe have her go to a counselor to get her to work through things that are causing her to withdraw from her family life.
Good luck and I hope that things work out for you.
Good luck and I hope that things work out for you.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 10:40 am to SquatchDawg
You are not the a-hole. You opened up a dialog.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 10:47 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
Am I the a-hole here? What should I do?
for speaking up? For addressing objections you have in the relationship? Hell no man. She'd sure as hell let you know if she had them. Good luck. Hope yall can work through it.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 10:49 am to SquatchDawg
The empty nest, the grief of losing her Mom and the grueling spiral of her father’s demise has made her it seems push away those closest, while still able to be friendly and spend time with those who are not as close and know all of her depression…you aren’t an a-hole (or you could be in her eyes) depending on how much you have shared and listened. Providing stability financially is rock solid and enough for most men, but not all women…. Good luck try being sensitive and listening but you are not the a-hole and not wrong. Hang in there! It shows you still love her
Posted on 6/27/25 at 10:53 am to Butch Baum
Saltwater acting a little bit shady with your phone. If she flips out there’s another dude.
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