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Started By
Message
Posters that have lost multiple parents (yours or in-laws)... a question
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:14 pm
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:14 pm
My wife and I still have all 4 of our folks, and they are all around 77. My FIL accidentally texted me this morning that he needed to go the ER (all is well, but all isn't well), and my dad told me this weekend that he took my mom to the ER (also ok). I know that any day I'll get a call about one of them, so every unexpected call from one of them makes me take a breath.
One of my friends lost both his parents in a short timeframe a couple years ago, and faced years of dealing with cluster-fricked agencies and mountains of paperwork and hassles.
All of our folks have done a good job of estate planning and making their wishes well-known and documented. My question is, what are the things you WISH you had done or known in advance of this moment? Are there things we really should be encouraging, documenting, following up on?
The in-laws are essentially hoarders. We'd love for them to just sell all their crap and move into a condo. They have places in Florida already. I feel like their finances are buttoned up and documented, and we already have power of attorney.
My dad is a farmer and luckily my brother has this area covered, but I know there's always something that will end up stressing everyone out.
********
All that to say, if you have any experiences or tips to share, that would be appreciated.
One of my friends lost both his parents in a short timeframe a couple years ago, and faced years of dealing with cluster-fricked agencies and mountains of paperwork and hassles.
All of our folks have done a good job of estate planning and making their wishes well-known and documented. My question is, what are the things you WISH you had done or known in advance of this moment? Are there things we really should be encouraging, documenting, following up on?
The in-laws are essentially hoarders. We'd love for them to just sell all their crap and move into a condo. They have places in Florida already. I feel like their finances are buttoned up and documented, and we already have power of attorney.
My dad is a farmer and luckily my brother has this area covered, but I know there's always something that will end up stressing everyone out.
********
All that to say, if you have any experiences or tips to share, that would be appreciated.
31
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:18 pm to concrete_tiger
If you think any of them will need long term care you should start moving assets out of their names asap.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:24 pm to chryso
They should have some of the additional insurances that cover some huge excess hospital charges.
Do they know they can give thousands to their heirs each year without taxes being assessed.
Has the farm moneys been tweeked to make sure it won't have to be sold to pay inheritance taxes. That's the big one.
Do they know they can give thousands to their heirs each year without taxes being assessed.
Has the farm moneys been tweeked to make sure it won't have to be sold to pay inheritance taxes. That's the big one.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:25 pm to concrete_tiger
I have lost both dad and FIL.
Stereotypically, if the man does first, the woman lives for a while. If the woman dies first, the man dies a very short time later. It is what it is.
The one thing that is advisable is that when one does go, pay for double the amount of death certificates that you think you need.
While they are still here...and I failed miserably at this...do not argue when they get pissy. And that generation typically does get grumpy when they cannot do something for themselves. They hate being a cross for someone else to bear. Even if they only perceive it.
Good luck and God speed.
Stereotypically, if the man does first, the woman lives for a while. If the woman dies first, the man dies a very short time later. It is what it is.
The one thing that is advisable is that when one does go, pay for double the amount of death certificates that you think you need.
While they are still here...and I failed miserably at this...do not argue when they get pissy. And that generation typically does get grumpy when they cannot do something for themselves. They hate being a cross for someone else to bear. Even if they only perceive it.
Good luck and God speed.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:26 pm to chryso
quote:
If you think any of them will need long term care you should start moving assets out of their names asap.
Luckily they have all prepared for that, but I am curious about your reasoning for that and even if they have long term care insurance... would that still be the recommendation?
My grandmother had LTC coverage and it was a huge cushion, whereas my wife's grandmother did not and lived for some 20 years in assisted living->nursing->memory care.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:27 pm to concrete_tiger
Make sure there’s an executor and do not talk to LOPA
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:27 pm to real turf fan
Demand a sit down with them to get things straight before they die. I learned this in my 20s and have everything ready for my wife when I go and vice versa.
Don't leave ones behind in a tangled mess when they NEED to grieve at the proper time.
Don't leave ones behind in a tangled mess when they NEED to grieve at the proper time.
This post was edited on 4/14/25 at 12:28 pm
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:28 pm to concrete_tiger
I’ve lost both of mine plus both of my wives parents. But losing my wife of 30 years is the one that just won’t go away.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:29 pm to concrete_tiger
Kids will stupidly fight over money.
The funeral director is a salesperson. A really shitty scummy salesperson who preys upon everyone at their weakest point.
The funeral director is a salesperson. A really shitty scummy salesperson who preys upon everyone at their weakest point.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:30 pm to concrete_tiger
Move as much of their assets out of their names asap. I think there's a 5 year look back for Medicaid but that will help when/if it comes to long term care. My mom was in a senior care facility that charged $8,000/month.
Assets in a trust so there's no need for probate of a will. Right of survivorship/beneficiary on all bank accounts/retirement vehicles/real estate/etc. keeps you from having to probate the will and/or create an estate account.
Assets in a trust so there's no need for probate of a will. Right of survivorship/beneficiary on all bank accounts/retirement vehicles/real estate/etc. keeps you from having to probate the will and/or create an estate account.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:30 pm to X123F45
This is 1000% correct.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:30 pm to X123F45
bullshite. Most funeral homes have set prices and typically hook people up of theyre poor.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:31 pm to real turf fan
quote:
Do they know they can give thousands to their heirs each year without taxes being assessed.
Has the farm moneys been tweeked to make sure it won't have to be sold to pay inheritance taxes. That's the big one.
Yes. Would rate them as pretty savvy, MIL even speaks at investing events all over the country.
Yes. My brother does corporate taxes for a living, we are squared away.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:31 pm to concrete_tiger
Can help in the months after death if you have some of their money in a joint account with your name so you have immediate access for expenses, like funeral, bills etc.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:32 pm to DougQuaid
quote:
Make sure there’s an executor and do not talk to LOPA
What is LOPA.
We have executors lined up for both sets of parents.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:34 pm to concrete_tiger
Went through this personally. Mother had dementia and went to a facility. Dad then died suddenly a few weeks later. Dad had all relevant info. Mother could not help in this regard.
As early as possible, I’d consider working with an elder care lawyer for a variety of issues, long term care, assisted living, etc. Can be difficult if someone has to go to a facility. Private pay is expensive. State facilities have ability to claw back assets. Legal advice early is the way to go.
Practically, get a list for every account, whether cell phone, cable, security system, bank, retirement, insurance, whatever, etc. Get all account numbers and access info. You’ll need it. This may have been one of the biggest challenges for us. Access to their computers and emails likely helpful. We did not have this and were at huge disadvantage when trying to manage accounts.
As for personal property, siblings and I tried to manage while they were alive but they were not interested. Tough situation. We then did a major purge when we had too. Wish we had more time as some things likely were disposed of that we wish we still had.
Good luck.
As early as possible, I’d consider working with an elder care lawyer for a variety of issues, long term care, assisted living, etc. Can be difficult if someone has to go to a facility. Private pay is expensive. State facilities have ability to claw back assets. Legal advice early is the way to go.
Practically, get a list for every account, whether cell phone, cable, security system, bank, retirement, insurance, whatever, etc. Get all account numbers and access info. You’ll need it. This may have been one of the biggest challenges for us. Access to their computers and emails likely helpful. We did not have this and were at huge disadvantage when trying to manage accounts.
As for personal property, siblings and I tried to manage while they were alive but they were not interested. Tough situation. We then did a major purge when we had too. Wish we had more time as some things likely were disposed of that we wish we still had.
Good luck.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:34 pm to DougQuaid
quote:
bullshite. Most funeral homes have set prices and typically hook people up of theyre poor.
LoL. We found the undertaker on the OT.
Those funeral home people are scum.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:35 pm to concrete_tiger
Louisiana Organ Procurement. If youre not in La, your state has an identical organization.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:39 pm to jbgleason
Low IQ take. Not a mortician, but have family members that have been in the business for decades. Just like any business or cross-section of society you will find ‘scum.’ Most good morticians have an absolute passion in honoring the deceased. You have no clue how many times families simply have their deceased dropped off and dont even bring them clothes. ‘Scum’ customers asking to have gold teeth removed, euthanizing pets to try to bury with the deceased owner, people fighting in meetings. The morticians typically arent the problem, its shite customers.
Posted on 4/14/25 at 12:43 pm to Chilly Bill
quote:
Practically, get a list for every account, whether cell phone, cable, security system, bank, retirement, insurance, whatever, etc. Get all account numbers and access info. You’ll need it. This may have been one of the biggest challenges for us. Access to their computers and emails likely helpful. We did not have this and were at huge disadvantage when trying to manage accounts.
Thanks. I feel like we are blessed. My brother is my dad's bookkeeper, and it's all transparent to us. The 3 of us are always copied on everything.
For the in-laws, my brother-in-law sits with them and we both have all the account information and details. The MIL is actually transparent with me, as my wife doesn't care about any that so she deals with me.
I feel like that's all there, but there's always something. My buddy had to fight to get access to his dad's money to pay for his mom's memory care. Same as a situation above... just didn't have the proper authorizations and the person that needed care wasn't capable.
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