re: Need advice, adopted daughter, what to tell her?

Turns her parents in for murdering he mom and dad and kidnapping her.

Honestly, tell her, be gentle with it and open about any questions. It seems y'all knew/knew of her mom so you can provide some answers. Unfortunately this is a bomb for y'all's relationship it's either going to be defused or detonated in the short term. Definitely tell the counselor your choice and form a game plan before going forward though. Because if you're asking TD... Yeeeeeeeesh.

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16 is not the age to be dropping emotional wreckers like that.

She’s already a raging bag of hormones and questioning everything about herself and her purpose in life.

Wait until she’s a fully mature adult if you can. But she will need to know for medical history reasons eventually.

JMHO.

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So much this. So, sooo much this.

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Had 2 older cousins that were adopted and not told until they were teenagers. They had different yet both positive reactions. One a few years later started the process of looking for the birth parents and did not like what she found....momma was a breeder essentially. Her brother had no desire to find out... his attitude was if they didn't want me, frick them, I have people that do and it is pretty good. That was 30 years ago

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I honestly don’t understand why you don’t tell kids the moment they can remotely understand it that they are adopted. Say I was looking for you specifically and I found you and love you unconditionally with my own heart and that you are my child even if I personally didn’t give birth to you. All of my friends that are adopted have this mentality with their birth givers and were told very early on.

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So much this. So, sooo much this.

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No. That’s a horrible idea. Then she questions if her whole life was a lie.

If I get married and have kids, I’m clear with this on every relationship I’ve been in, that I want two biological children and then adopt a girl from abroad. I don’t think I’m going to have to really worry about the adoption question since I’ll have an Asian daughter if I have my way and it’s going to be obvious. I volunteered at a Chinese orphanage once, and that changed my life and I was immediately determined to save at least one of these girls from this fate eventually. I just don’t understand why you’d put that conversation off since it’s easy to paint it from a positive perspective that they’re adopted at an early age.

I have an adopted son. We have been with him since 12 hrs after he was born. We made sure he knew he was adopted from the time he could understand it. Sometimes he would get things confused and we always corrected him like when he asked about being inside mom's belly.

However, we never made his life about adoption. He was our son 100%. He was our first born and we treat him like that. We made one promise to ourselves that we wouldn't ever lie to him regardless of how unpleasant we thought the question was. Any question he ever had, I always answered with the truth because he deserves to know. I'm not out here offering things or information. But even at 18 he knows if he wanted to blow the lid open on his adoption then I'd be right there helping him find his birth mother. But so far that's not important to him. I'm grateful for that.

You have 2 options, you can continue lying to your kid or you can come clean and look like a dirtbag who has been keeping this huge secret from her. I'm sorry but those are your 2 options. All kids deal with things differently but this is a huge breach in trust basically reversing everything you've ever said about honesty. She could easily be ok with it and forgive you if you explain it the right way. Or she could literally side off the deep end into drugs and everything harmful and you could lose her forever. I've seen it go both ways.

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the birth mothers were included in their family

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At the time we agreed to the adoption the mother was in labor. It was through an agency in Utah and she was in California. She had wanted to meet us once and then requested a letter every year. After she had our son, she decided she didn't want to meet anymore. Everyone is a little different to what they will accept. At the time, we weren't open to that kind of adoption where the birth mom is Aunt Susie.

Do we have an update on the OP?

This situation is why we told our son from the beginning he's adopted, even though he looks just like us. He can't comprehend because he's 3, but he knows he's adopted and we celebrate his adoption day every year.

ETA: My best advice is to be honest now before she finds out on her own.

Personally, I think you should tell them. If I were your daughter, I know that would be something I would definitely want to know. Hell, I was hurt when my mom told me at 26 that I had an older sister that died at 6 months. Of course I got over it, but if she were to drop a bombshell that I was adopted at that age, that would likely seriously frick me up. I just don't believe in keeping secrets from your children, imo.


As so many people have mentioned, it's better she finds out from you, rather than her doing 23andme. Or even worse, in the days of social media, what happens if an older lady reaches out to her on Facebook claiming that she is her grandmother, and she has been looking for her for years. That would absolutely wreck your daughter in so much confusion and hurt.

I do think the best bet is to tell her. Maybe take her out for nails, or get her that new purse she's been asking for in order to get her in a great mood. Talk to her about how loved she is. Make sure its known that you have never and would never treat her different from her siblings. Then support her. Make sure its known that she is your daughter, period. If she wishes to find more information out about her biological family, perhaps meeting grandparents or siblings. Support her. Or maybe she just wants to know more about Peruvian culture. Or if she says screw all that I dont care, my life is not changing, then of course support her in that as well.