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Started By
Message
re: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Posted on 12/2/19 at 7:33 am to Jeauxburreauxsmirk
Posted on 12/2/19 at 7:33 am to Jeauxburreauxsmirk
quote:
Talk to me about it. When you discover that you’re dating or married to someone with this—what have you done?
Be grateful if you do not have children to try to co-parent with them, as I did. As the posters immediately above me stated, their reality is all about the way they feel and their perception of it cannot be changed by any empirical proof that they are wrong. A friend of mine who was a trained marriage counselor accurately observed that my ex was a "vampire" - that she would never be able to see herself in a mirror. They will suck out all your blood and leave you lifeless. There is virtually zero chance of them changing, so as hard as it may be you must escape and move on. Life can be good or better without them.
Particularly, if you are a woman you should also consider steps to protect yourself from retribution or death at their hands. Seriously. Do not share your new address, expect that you may be followed, stalked, threatened or attacked. Not getting their way can result in uncontrolled anger and aggression, and not necessarily limited to the male of the specie. If this happens, Louisiana and many other states have statutes that makes it possible to quickly seek a temporary restraining order without paying filing costs, which can allow the police to arrest for violation and allow the court to order surrender of firearms.
2
Posted on 12/2/19 at 7:45 am to Lsupimp
quote:
keep a diary of how often they
Great advice! Call it a diary or a journal, whatever, it doesn't matter but do it.
Throughout history, great people who do great things have kept a personal journal to help them self-assess and to guide their own course.
The key to self-improvement is to keep a journal of your daily efforts to improve yourself.
Posted on 12/2/19 at 7:48 am to Jeauxburreauxsmirk
quote:
I can’t go to the gym
You go to the gym and are interested in fitness? That's a strong indication that you are a very worthwhile person.
Posted on 12/2/19 at 7:52 am to kingbob
This is a rough patch for you right now. I can empathize with that, kb.
Posted on 12/2/19 at 8:10 am to Cosmo
quote:
90% of the OT has this
90% of America has this
Posted on 12/2/19 at 8:20 am to Uptowner
quote:
90% of America has this
Our "culture" here in 2019 USA certainly does promote it. It's a wonder if it's not 90%.
Posted on 12/2/19 at 8:38 am to Jeauxburreauxsmirk
quote:Work harder to fully develop your own Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Then you won't notice hers.
Talk to me about it. When you discover that you’re dating or married to someone with this—what have you done? I am interested in other people’s experiences.
Posted on 12/2/19 at 9:14 am to PhantomMenace
There are children, but they are mine.
He just said and did all the right things, wants to start going to church and getting involved with a group at church which I’ve been asking for for a while. He asked what would be the one thing I need from him to make this work... and I don’t know if it will make it work, but it’s what everyone needs, and that is a relationship with God. A real one. That wasn’t me trying to save the marriage, but rather a plea for his own salvation in this world, if that’s ever going to happen. Because If not me, he will do this to the next one, and everyone he meets in this life. My faith and relationship with God is the only thing that has sustained me.
He just said and did all the right things, wants to start going to church and getting involved with a group at church which I’ve been asking for for a while. He asked what would be the one thing I need from him to make this work... and I don’t know if it will make it work, but it’s what everyone needs, and that is a relationship with God. A real one. That wasn’t me trying to save the marriage, but rather a plea for his own salvation in this world, if that’s ever going to happen. Because If not me, he will do this to the next one, and everyone he meets in this life. My faith and relationship with God is the only thing that has sustained me.
This post was edited on 12/2/19 at 9:15 am
Posted on 12/2/19 at 9:14 am to kingbob
(no message)
This post was edited on 12/2/19 at 2:09 pm
Posted on 12/2/19 at 9:18 am to Jeauxburreauxsmirk
quote:
the original, healthy love. But did it ever really exist (on their end)?
No
Run
Posted on 12/2/19 at 9:25 am to PhantomMenace
quote:
my ex was a "vampire”
+1
Her friends tried to warn me, when we first got together
I still gave it a shot. She was EXACTLY what I wanted, in the beginning, but she knew what I wanted, and really just played that role.
Posted on 12/2/19 at 9:30 am to Jeauxburreauxsmirk
God doesn’t want you to be abused verbally/ psychologically etc. keep that in the back of your mind as you hope for a spiritual miracle. There is no expectation in Christianity that you tolerate abuse. Till death do us part does not include constant shaming, humiliation, verbal abuse, psychological warfare etc.
Also- your focus has to be on YOU. To focus on reforming the narcissist rather than healing yourself demonstrates you may not truly understand what you are dealing with here. I would never ever ever blame someone for wanting to preserve their family, but be careful.
Set boundaries and detach . If there is a miracle and he surprises you that’s awesome. But statistically, if he actually is at the Disorder level, this is unlikely and you need to make yourself the priority.
Also- your focus has to be on YOU. To focus on reforming the narcissist rather than healing yourself demonstrates you may not truly understand what you are dealing with here. I would never ever ever blame someone for wanting to preserve their family, but be careful.
Set boundaries and detach . If there is a miracle and he surprises you that’s awesome. But statistically, if he actually is at the Disorder level, this is unlikely and you need to make yourself the priority.
Posted on 12/2/19 at 9:31 am to Jeauxburreauxsmirk
leave
Posted on 12/2/19 at 9:34 am to Lsupimp
quote:
Oh Lord. The narcissist spouse will destroy you man. Constant gaslighting , isolation from friends and family, absurd accusations and crazy talk until your life is nothing but walking on egg shells to the point that you develop PTSD. The whole point of the narcissist is make your life so small that you can only serve their interests. Run bro or get ready for decades of abuse.
This guy nails it. I wasted twenty years of my life with one and what he said is spot on.
Posted on 12/2/19 at 9:37 am to Jeauxburreauxsmirk
Here you go Bud, this is all you will need. This guy is awesome.
LINK
LINK
Posted on 12/2/19 at 9:44 am to Jeauxburreauxsmirk
quote:pics?
Jeauxburreauxsmirk
Posted on 12/2/19 at 9:52 am to Jeauxburreauxsmirk
I too gave every possible effort, and at least you will know that you did your best. Accept that he may not ever accept the specific brand of spiritually that you have, as everyone is different. On that count, hope that he is capable of developing his own relationship that will guide his behavior.
I don't know what resources are available through your church but you should also consult with area hospitals about finding a truly competent behavioral therapist. Counseling may help him reflect and help the two of you communicate mutual expectations. Like most mental disorders, I believe there are varying degrees of this, some behaviors being susceptible of treatment with medications (impulsiveness for example). But if he is truly NPD, you will be better off without him.
It is okay to be a complete person by yourself for a while and perhaps a better partner is in your future. Don't hang on for the sake of your children having a "complete" family. It is better for them to be in a functional household than a disfunctional one.
I don't know what resources are available through your church but you should also consult with area hospitals about finding a truly competent behavioral therapist. Counseling may help him reflect and help the two of you communicate mutual expectations. Like most mental disorders, I believe there are varying degrees of this, some behaviors being susceptible of treatment with medications (impulsiveness for example). But if he is truly NPD, you will be better off without him.
It is okay to be a complete person by yourself for a while and perhaps a better partner is in your future. Don't hang on for the sake of your children having a "complete" family. It is better for them to be in a functional household than a disfunctional one.
Posted on 12/2/19 at 9:57 am to Jeauxburreauxsmirk
quote:
There are children, but they are mine.
You owe it to your children to remove yourself and them from this toxic, dead end relationship. Nothing will change him, until he truly wants to change and its likely he never will want to change, he’s playing you again.
Posted on 12/2/19 at 9:58 am to Lsupimp
I just went through a divorce with a woman who most likely has NPD. The gaslighting and eggshells rings true. It happens so slowly over time that it's hard to even see what the frick is happening. The constant twisting of stories and the truth during fights was insane.
edit: Oh and the lack of empathy. She was never there for me, ever. It was a one way street with me doing everything for her and never anything back. It didn't start like that. At the beginning, she showered me with affection, and towards the end, it's like all you want is to feel what it felt like to be loved by them again. They're so manipulative and can be so charming when they want.
edit: Oh and the lack of empathy. She was never there for me, ever. It was a one way street with me doing everything for her and never anything back. It didn't start like that. At the beginning, she showered me with affection, and towards the end, it's like all you want is to feel what it felt like to be loved by them again. They're so manipulative and can be so charming when they want.
This post was edited on 12/2/19 at 10:01 am
Posted on 12/2/19 at 10:04 am to Jeauxburreauxsmirk
My ex fiancée pretty sure has it. She’s what you would call a covert narcissist. She loved bombed me from the beginning, and typically I run when someone moves that quickly but she was very beautiful, charming, French, and the sex was amazing so I got sucked in. Our relationship seemed great throughout honestly, but looking back there are a lot of things I looked back on and realized were huuuuge red flags. Namely the dysfunction with her family. Also she had this habit of keeping a harem of her ex frick buddies and crushes around. She invited a guy who she met only a few times but had a huge crush on before we were dating to stay with us in Houston 2 months into our relationship. I would later find out this guy was trying to get in her pants and was begging her to return to France. I had no issue that she had a lot of guy friends, or that she still spoke with guys who she had relations with in the past. I had a huge issue with the fact that she thought it was ok to keep guys around who were trying to have sex with her though. But she didn’t see the issue and thought I should have blindly trusted her. Never mind it was just straight up disrespectful. She also always felt the need to prove herself. She wouldn’t even let me do simple chores around the house. The public tantrums when she didn’t get something she wanted were embarrassing too. She was literally a 5 year old in a 25 year olds body. While she was back in France she met a new guy. Told me two days after getting approved for the k1 visa that she wasn’t returning. Tried blaming me for our engagement failing by saying I was depressed and she couldn’t return to someone like that. All the while she setting up everything with this new guy who is some DJ. Basically went through emotional hell with her for the final 3 weeks as she texted and called me every morning basically blaming me for everything and also how she was having so much fun with her new friends she just met. On my birthday she called me and told me she didn’t understand how I haven’t killed myself yet because I was emotionally weak. She said that in front of all her friends. And then tried justifying it by saying she was just saying if she was acting like me she would have killed herself. There’s a lot more bullshite and drama I could talk about. But my suggestion is run now. Unless you want to go through rollercoaster of emotional hell.
This post was edited on 12/2/19 at 10:09 am
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