re: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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Talk to me about it. When you discover that you’re dating or married to someone with this—what have you done? I am interested in other people’s experiences.

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I, unfortunately, have experience with being with someone who has this. There is really no cure. Ask any therapist and they will tell you that. My advise is to get out. Hopefully, there are no kids involved.
My life became exponentially better the day I moved on. Good luck.

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That’s what I’m reading online. They don’t seem to reveal themselves until after they’ve got you deep into their web, brainwashed into thinking they’re the love of your life and vice versa. So running for your life is hard because you’re addicted to the original, healthy love. But did it ever really exist (on their end)?

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Understanding this is a major step in the right direction.

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I have a million stories like this about her.

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Can I have the link to her FB ? This sounds frickin fun.

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Why would someone date anyone who has this?

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Because during the dating phase, they don’t normally expose their true self !

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They don’t seem to reveal themselves until after they’ve got you deep into their web, brainwashed into thinking they’re the love of your life and vice versa.

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Correct.

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So running for your life is hard because you’re addicted to the original, healthy love. But did it ever really exist (on their end)?

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Yes, it can be difficult but you must run away and go no contact. These people will destroy your life at every level. There was (never will be) healthy love with NPD.

It literally changed a month after we got married. With one fight, one situation. I don’t want to be specific, but he told me if I didn’t give him something, it was me being too controlling and trying to keep my thumb on him. It didn’t matter how it affected me. And I tried to meet in the middle and compromise. But after that, he wrote me off. And it’s been a roller coaster ever since.

I haven't posted on TD in years but I came across your thread and feel compelled to add to all the advice you've been given. A family member of mine was married to a narcissist. She had kids before the marriage, just like you. He ended up leaving her after 10 years of absolute horror- he left her (thank God) but she was so under his thumb and lost that she didn't realize how bad it was until many years later.
The problem is that her children greatly suffered because he inflicted his weird mind game shite on them too. Two of the three have serious issues, one is a substance addict and the other can't maintain any relationships bc they're so afraid to be like their Mom.
You also have to think of your kids. He's not just messing with you in all this.


eta- please, please, take all the advice that's been given to you. This person isn't changing and you and your kids will be the only ones who suffer.

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I feel guilty about feeling I need time from them when they all have so much going on. I just get really lonely sometimes and need someone to talk to. So often, I just want someone to go eat with and talk to. I’ll go down the list of over a dozen people or more and no one will be available. I know we’re all adults now, and we all have lives, but it really hurts when I have one of those days when I’m barely holding it together and can’t find anyone to talk to. It’s one reason I’m posting so much lately. If I cannot talk in person to the few people I trust, I can at least sorta talk to “anonymous” “strangers” on the internet.

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I know i'm a little late in the thread but I have been in a similar boat as you. I just got out of a long term relationship and it's been tough because all of my friends are now married with kids. I often feel like a burden to them because it's not their problem. I too have felt like I'm one shitty comment or interaction away from losing the control but it passes. I've been able to meet a ton of new people in the past few months and that has helped me along with having a distraction or two to pull out when you need it most.

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It literally changed a month after we got married.

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This is very common. Once they have you deeply entangled they drop the mask and reveal their true selves. Marriage and having kids together are common inflection points. They'll often push very hard to make these things happen so they can trap you before you figure them out.

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And I tried to meet in the middle and compromise.

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It doesn't matter what you do. Nothing will ever be enough. The conflict is the goal for them so they will always find a way to create it. Meanwhile you will run yourself ragged trying to appease them, but no matter what you do it will always be wrong.

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Rabid, you mentioned nothing is ever enough, that nothing I ever do will be right. Ironically, he says this towards me. That nothing he does is appreciated or good enough.

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Yes, this is called projection. They will accuse you of doing the very things they are doing.

This is from an article I found extremely helpful.

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One sure sign of toxicity is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his or her own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid being held accountable for them. This is known as projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility of one’s negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability.

While we all engage in projection to some extent, according to Narcissistic Personality clinical expert Dr. Martinez-Lewi, the projections of a narcissist are often psychologically abusive. Rather than acknowledge their own flaws, imperfections and wrongdoings, malignant narcissists and sociopaths opt to dump their own traits on their unsuspecting suspects in a way that is painful and excessively cruel. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, they would prefer that their victims take responsibility for their behavior and feel ashamed of themselves. This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another.

For example, a person who engages in pathological lying may accuse their partner of fibbing; a needy spouse may call their husband “clingy” in an attempt to depict them as the one who is dependent; a rude employee may call their boss ineffective in an effort to escape the truth about their own productivity.

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