re: If you could cram every Reddit stereotype into one post I believe it would look like this.

Lazy Gump…


heyy so basically i need to complain about being alone on thanksgiving lol. context, everyone in this story is in their early/mid 20s and lives on the east coast

i had a plan to go on a beautiful trip with my partner and his roommate to go see his family for thanksgiving. i was supposed to sleep over at his place last night and the three of us were going to leave at 4am this morning and stay until friday. i've been with my partner for like a year and a half now, and i absolutely adore his family. my family situation is a bit strained and i had a very wonderful christmas last year with him, so i was super excited to spend thanksgiving with them in a part of the country that i've never seen and have always wanted to visit. in preparation for the trip, i've been working like crazy, and i work a very physical job. yesterday, when i woke up for my 7am shift, i felt like i had been hit by a truck. i was tired in a way that felt like i was genuinely moving through molasses, i couldn't breathe out of my nose, and i had a tingle in my lower throat that indicated i was going to develop a cough.

some background-- i deal with a lot of chronic illnesses, including asthma, POTS, hEDS, and also some severe ENT (ear/nose/throat) complications resulting from allergies that literally won't go away. my POTS has been improving a bit with lifestyle changes but everything else feels like it's just getting worse. on paper, none of these are autoimmune issues, but for some reason i've developed 5 upper respiratory infections (with high fevers lasting 2+ days) since june this year. if there is any bug going around, i'll catch it, and when i do, i'm down for the count. like, immobile in bed and hacking up a lung and constantly sneezing. when i'm not sick, i have pretty constant severe allergies that sometimes cause cold-like symptoms. i'm almost positive i have a deviated septum because of the extent of my constant congestion/runny nose, which causes snoring, which can sometimes result in a sore throat. the combination of my tendency to get sick alongside my baseline suffering from allergies makes the initial stages of a cold difficult to navigate. am i really sick? or is it just bad allergies? i cannot take decongestant medicine because it causes a POTS flare (resting heart rate 150 when i take that shite.. like it's serious lol), and benadryl is super helpful but it makes me insanely drowsy and gives me horrific nightmares.

so back to yesterday morning. i really really considered calling out sick, but a coworker had already called out the night before and i didn't want to leave the people working completely understaffed. i chalked it up to bad allergies and severe exhaustion and went in for the shift anyway. once i started moving around and drinking some tea and working through the rush, i felt much better. as soon as we slowed down and i reached hour 5 of the 9 hour shift though, i started feeling that moving-through-molasses sensation, like every fiber of my body was screaming at me to go home. i was supposed to head to my partner's house shortly after my shift. once i got home, it was like all the symptoms came back full force. i tested negative for COVID twice, but genuinely couldn't stop sneezing for hours, the feeling in my throat was back, and i was achy and shivering. i didn't have a fever though, which is abnormal for me. i decided to stay at my place for the night, go to bed super early, and make a final judgement call at 3:30 the next morning right before getting picked up by my partner (rather than sleeping over and all heading out together). i figured that in the morning, i'd either feel better or significantly worse. usually on day 2 i feel much much worse.

unfortunately, when i woke up, i felt slightly better but still largely the same. my bag was fully packed and ready to go, it was just up to me to decide if it's worth chancing a 7 hour road trip while unsure of my health status. my partner is the sweetest person in the world and said that he while he loves me and wants me to come more than anything, he would hate to see me get sicker while that far away from home. part of me thought, well if im not worse today then it's not a cold, but also i knew it would be irresponsbile and selfish to go if i had even the slightest inclination i could ruin his family's trip together. i made the call to stay home.

i've been home all day and i'm fricking miserable. i don't feel all that sick anymore, just exhausted and so so sad. i feel like i made the wrong judgement call and abandoned my partner for no reason other than my own neuroses. i'm not a big crier but ive cried like twice today. all of my friends and loved ones will be celebrating thanksgiving surrounded by those that love them while im going to be completely alone. this is not the first significant thing i've missed out on while sick, either. i've missed pride this year (very important to me/my partner as trans people in america), a visit from an out of state friend i only see very rarely, many days of work, the first leg of another trip with my partner back in the summer, and numerous ticketed events that i had already paid for. i'm just so frustrated that it seems like every time i have something coming up that i'm looking forward to, i get fricking sick. and now i feel like i'm so used to that pattern that i jumped the gun when i might've actually just been fine to go on the trip. now im spending this time that i took off work sitting in my house doing nothing. on the one hand, im glad to have a break after being non stop busy for weeks, but on the other hand, being this chronically ill feels infantalizing and frustrating. i feel like an unreliable partner, friend, coworker, and family member. and i know it's not my fault but every time i have to tell my partner that something we've planned cannot happen due to my illness, his face breaks my heart. he's never ever made me feel guilty or like it's my fault, but i still feel just terrible about it. i lead a very full life, which im unbelievably thankful for, but it seems like my body is rebelling against my happiness. im trying to work a lot to get my money up, get buff at the gym, take care of my cat with special needs, maintain my intellect by reading/watching film, spend time with all of my friends, work on theater/artistic projects, and im planning on attending community college next year. all of these things make me happy beyond belief, but im now finding myself suspending excitement because i know i might just miss things anyway.

if anyone else feels this way sound off below because i feel deeply alone :(

TLDR; alone for thanksgiving after a pattern of being nerfed by chronic illness whenever i have something cool happening in my life