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Message
re: Divoced baws of the OT. How did it go down?
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:00 am to TH03
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:00 am to TH03
quote:
People just get miserable with each other and end up hating each other so they get divorced.
quote:
It's why finding someone you're compatible with for the long term is so important. That kind of marriage makes life amazing and joyful not 100% of the time, but damn near it.
Even when you do find someone compatible, sometimes life throws a bunch of shite at you over a short period of time that it makes it really hard to overcome as a couple.
Things are very shaky with my husband and I. We've had so much crap thrown at us in the past couple years (infertility, all the stress/drama with my father, etc) that it basically took little cracks in our marriage that might have been on the surface (the normal little things couples usually have) and split them wide open.
I'm fighting like hell to save my marriage though. I don't know what will happen and I'm so terrified tbh. I can't change him (cause there are certainly things he needs to work on himself) but I'm taking a really hard look at how I contributed to things. How certain behaviors, attitudes I had didn't show him the respect he needed. I love my husband so very much and the thought of losing my marriage and him shatters me to my soul.
5
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:01 am to Cosmo
Most Baws are happy getting their dick wet and overlook the glaring red flags hanging off a broad and still marry her.... Down the road they act like the women 'changed' and want sympathy for their inevitable divorce.
Rinse repeat
Rinse repeat
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:02 am to kingbob
quote:
People usually rationalize their own behavior and see themselves as the protagonist or victim.
Since dudes are 95% of this board, the overwhelming majority of takes will be guys whining about being victims.
If the board demographics were reversed, it would be all women complaining about what deadbeats their ex-husbands were.
Im sure there's a subreddit for that.
I wont sit here and proclaim all my exes didn't have a good reason to leave.
I am by far boring. Totally embrace my Taurean traits of stacking money (and also being a practical cheap arse), homebody, with sprinkles of enjoyment of food and nature
More dudes need to be self introspective of why things are failing before they actually fail. That took me a longgggg time to understand.
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:02 am to fightin tigers
quote:
My point being that she probably isn't a whore at all.
Right. I get that.
And my point was that even if she was a whore, there were probably signs well before the guy decided she was "the one"
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:04 am to SuperSaint
quote:
Most Baws are happy getting their dick wet and overlook the glaring red flags hanging off a broad and still marry her.... Down the road they act like the women 'changed' and want sympathy for their inevitable divorce.
Ha ha, this.
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:05 am to lsunurse
IMO the most valuable thing in a marriage (or one of them) is the knowledge/trust that if you do what you reasonably can to improve things, your spouse will reciprocate, and even if not pulling as much weight, will join in the effort with you. The real/imagined fear of that not being the case is awful. Essentially - that ultimately you're dependent on the "whims" of another person.
Of course, even if you generally have that, you may not have it in a time of mental/emotional/work/financial distress, but the hope is when such factors improve normalcy and the bedrock things return.
Good luck Nurse, sounds like you're doing what you can/should.
Of course, even if you generally have that, you may not have it in a time of mental/emotional/work/financial distress, but the hope is when such factors improve normalcy and the bedrock things return.
Good luck Nurse, sounds like you're doing what you can/should.
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:06 am to SuperSaint
I’d agree with that. I’d also say there is not really an excuse for anyone under 35 to be blinded to someone who is nuts or has a questionable past. Social media is basically an online dossier for the average female these days.
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:06 am to fightin tigers
I sprinted through red flags like they were finishing line tape at a marathon.
I was painfully insecure and felt emasculated both by our finances in law school and just in general.
I lost my assertiveness and confidence and second-guessed myself on everything from paint colors to basic chores to shopping decisions and what to eat for dinner.
I held on to every argument as if each one was a learning opponent for future reference of what NOT to do. This caused me to become a waffler who couldn’t trust his gut and struggled to make decisions because I was paralyzed by analysis.
I was so concerned with avoiding conflict that I became a pushover, which built resentment in me and caused her to lose any respect for me.
I took her for granted and didn’t always do the stupid little things she needed for her insecurities to be assuaged (gifts, flowers, little cute notes, etc)
I had my share of faults, but I never stopped trying to fix them. She had no interest in compromise in any way, shape, or form and had zero desire to do anything about her own issues, let alone work with me to fix our problems. She saw me as 100% the problem, and by then, I was so demoralized and emotionally weakened from gaslighting, law school, and plant life that I believed her.
I could see the writing on the wall before we got married, but I was arrogant enough to believe that I could fix everything, and was foolish enough to trust that she would be just as invested.
I was painfully insecure and felt emasculated both by our finances in law school and just in general.
I lost my assertiveness and confidence and second-guessed myself on everything from paint colors to basic chores to shopping decisions and what to eat for dinner.
I held on to every argument as if each one was a learning opponent for future reference of what NOT to do. This caused me to become a waffler who couldn’t trust his gut and struggled to make decisions because I was paralyzed by analysis.
I was so concerned with avoiding conflict that I became a pushover, which built resentment in me and caused her to lose any respect for me.
I took her for granted and didn’t always do the stupid little things she needed for her insecurities to be assuaged (gifts, flowers, little cute notes, etc)
I had my share of faults, but I never stopped trying to fix them. She had no interest in compromise in any way, shape, or form and had zero desire to do anything about her own issues, let alone work with me to fix our problems. She saw me as 100% the problem, and by then, I was so demoralized and emotionally weakened from gaslighting, law school, and plant life that I believed her.
I could see the writing on the wall before we got married, but I was arrogant enough to believe that I could fix everything, and was foolish enough to trust that she would be just as invested.
This post was edited on 2/17/20 at 10:09 am
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:07 am to SuperSaint
quote:
Most Baws are happy getting their dick wet
I do enjoy a wet dick.
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:09 am to 50_Tiger
quote:
More dudes need to be self introspective of why things are failing
Everyone does. Of course, usually when guys are introspective the answers are there to hit you in the face. Women can be introspective and come up with completely wrong and bizarre answers, which is horrifying.
But people who lack introspection have to have much higher divorce rates. I mean, imagine getting in fights all the time and never being able to get below the surface at all? We all fight about dumb shite, but most of us have the ability to at least think about what the underlying problems are even if we can't always admit them or get to the root of it.
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:10 am to NIH
I think it is more of a hindsight 20/20 thing.
No one wants to admit they ruined someone who was good for them. Eaiser to throw mud and paint someone as a whore or a-hole.
It's not the easiest thing to stay above the fray. Just have to hope the truth finds its way to those you want to know it.
No one wants to admit they ruined someone who was good for them. Eaiser to throw mud and paint someone as a whore or a-hole.
It's not the easiest thing to stay above the fray. Just have to hope the truth finds its way to those you want to know it.
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:11 am to boosiebadazz
The whole concept of “falling in love” and coupling is a cruel trick that Mother Nature has played on modern man.It’s actually a biochemical process designed for the perpetuation of the species.The initial phase is the catecholamine phase with release of dopamine,,epinephrine-testosterone and estrogen also play a role.This forms the basis of attachment when people are intensely attracted to each other,having sex at every opportunity,feel “butterflies” in the stomach in each other’s presence,etc.
This phase lasts about a year,then we go into the endorphin phase,hormones such as oxytocin are secreted that give warm,fuzzy feelings and a sense of comfort in each other’s presence.This phase lasts 5-6 years,if couples remain together after that,it,s mostly about friendship,children,security,sense of obligation,etc.
This worked pretty well when people didn’t live much past 40,now not so well.
Think about it,how often do you see married people holding hands.
This phase lasts about a year,then we go into the endorphin phase,hormones such as oxytocin are secreted that give warm,fuzzy feelings and a sense of comfort in each other’s presence.This phase lasts 5-6 years,if couples remain together after that,it,s mostly about friendship,children,security,sense of obligation,etc.
This worked pretty well when people didn’t live much past 40,now not so well.
Think about it,how often do you see married people holding hands.
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:12 am to greenbean
quote:
A woman wants it all, she wants a good looking, self-confident man with a good job. She wants a new SUV, kids in private school, a 3000 SF house and vacations in 30A.
quote:
marrying engineers, pharmaceutical reps, etc.,
Well no shite, if a fricking guy is smart, they would be marrying the same kind of people.
Those kind of people are the stable ones and the ones that are going to have class.
Biggest problem, is people are marrying pieces of shite a d then expect it to work. Stop choosing shitty partners based on looks only and ignoring all of the red flags.
This post was edited on 2/17/20 at 10:28 am
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:14 am to Cosmo
quote:You probably got one thing out of order there.
- happily married for almost 10 years. Kids 8 and 6. Wife all of a sudden decides she isnt happy anymore. No real reason given. They try therapy for a few months. She then decides to bang an old college boyfriend. Divorce time.
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:16 am to kingbob
quote:
I sprinted through red flags like they were finishing line tape at a marathon.
I was painfully insecure and felt emasculated both by our finances in law school and just in general.
I lost my assertiveness and confidence and second-guessed myself on everything from paint colors to basic chores to shopping decisions and what to eat for dinner.
I held on to every argument as if each one was a learning opponent for future reference of what NOT to do. This caused me to become a waffler who couldn’t trust his gut and struggled to make decisions because I was paralyzed by analysis.
I was so concerned with avoiding conflict that I became a pushover, which built resentment in me and caused her to lose any respect for me.
I took her for granted and didn’t always do the stupid little things she needed for her insecurities to be assuaged (gifts, flowers, little cute notes, etc)
I had my share of faults, but I never stopped trying to fix them. She had no interest in compromise in any way, shape, or form and had zero desire to do anything about her own issues, let alone work with me to fix our problems. She saw me as 100% the problem, and by then, I was so demoralized and emotionally weakened from gaslighting, law school, and plant life that I believed her.
I could see the writing on the wall before we got married, but I was arrogant enough to believe that I could fix everything, and was foolish enough to trust that she would be just as invested.
Damn, props to your self-awareness and self-examination. That's not an easy thing to grasp
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:16 am to lsu777
quote:
Stop choosing shitty partners based on looks only and ignoring all of the red flags.
And always do whatever is necessary to meet those macros.
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:21 am to Cosmo
Marriage is a covenant before god and made in front of your family and friends. Maybe people should understand what marriage really is before moving forward. If you’re not willing to work through hard times, sickness and in health, rich or poor, then don’t get married. You’re miserable and not happy, work it out and honor your covenant.
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:21 am to Cosmo
Were these stay at home or working women? Although stay at home women have you by the balls, I think they're less likely to leave for general unhappiness. But, I think there is a contingent of professional women who want to live the Sex and the City lifestyle after they have knocked out their kids.
Posted on 2/17/20 at 10:22 am to pcolatiger28
It takes two to uphold that covenant. If one believes in it and one doesn’t, it’s going to fail.
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