re: UPDATE: Question for Guys Under 30 Who Are Not Married

Ok, I was n a very similar predicament at 24/25 so I know exactly what your problem is.

She has lost respect for you. Now, this sounds bad, and it's certainly not good, but it is very curable. Men are supposed to be pursuers and women like to be pursued, but they go absolutely bananas when they have to do the pursuing.

She keeps testing you with petty stuff to see if you have a back bone and will stand up for yourself. Every time you cave, she loses respect for you. You are letting her dominate your world and control your decision making. That does not make for a healthy relationship where she is going to feel attraction for you.

Women feel aroused when they feel safe (both emotionally and physically) and sexy (they feel beautiful and desired). Now, "safe" includes a lot of things. For most women, sex is very intimate, emotional and vulnerable. They are literally giving their entire self to you. In order to be willing to do that, they have to trust you completely. They feel aroused by men who are confident because it makes them feel safe to just relax and let him do his thing knowing she is going to enjoy every bit of it. You've already shown that this isn't the case. You're not decisive, she's not loving the sex. She doesn't feel safe due to the PTSD from her molestation incident, but more important YOU are not making her feel safe enough to get past that. If you were making her feel safe enough, she would relax enough to basically forget all about it when she's with you. When guys are indecisive and weak-willed, women feel indecisive in the bedroom. They're stuck thinking too much and struggle to get aroused because if you're visibly worried, she'll feel like she should be too.

Now, if you weren't living together, I would say this is when you need to start getting a little more distant, not a lot. I would recommend ghosting her a little while ensuring conversations are happening on your terms and only for the purposes of arranging a date, a real date. I mean, you both dress up nice and go do something fun outside the regular routine.

However, you're pretty much living together. It's hard to run that strategy. So, what I would advise you do tonight is don't initiate conversation, but do a ton of chores around the apartment. I mean, get the kitchen spotless, clean the bathrooms, put the toilet seat down, light some candles, maybe even fix dinner, and when she gets home, be wearing something you look good in. Make her a priority in that way. Anticipate her needs. Don't just cave in when she demands something, give it to her before she even knows she needs it, and don't ask for permission. Hesitation and "check with you" shows weakness. That's why they play that whole "what should we do for dinner" game. They want you to show that you can anticipate her wants and needs, provide them without asking, and make decisions quickly.

Women don't compartmentalize the same way men do. Things like an untidy house, piling up laundry, people asking them to change their font in their work emails, etc all can pile up on them. If their emotional baggage piles up too much, they cannot feel aroused. For a woman, an orgasm is a state of being where their conscious mind is completely overwhelmed with ecstasy to the point they literally cannot think about anything else. Arousal is when they move a little closer to that end by turning a portion of their conscious brain to the pleasure they think might be imminent. If there's too much baggage piled up, they can't get enough out of the way to feel aroused, let alone orgasm.

So, the short version:
1. Stop spending all of your time just "hanging out". Treat her time with you as a premium and make it count. This will make her feel like you're "dating" her again, more like the guy you were that she fell for initially.

2. Anticipate her needs and provide them without asking. You figure out her needs by studying her tendencies and listen to her endless ramblings about her "day".

3. Be decisive and take charge. If you want something, don't be afraid to demand it. If she throws a tantrum, don't be afraid to walk away. If you disagree, don't be afraid to speak up and make your point.

4. Don't allow her to emotionally blackmail you. This is a tactic, not a genuine expression of emotional pain. She is just using your protective instincts against you to get what she wants. Call her bluff. The first time you do so will be explosive, but if you stay strong through the tantrum, she will learn that she can't pull that stunt anymore, she will start acting like an adult, she will gain respect for you, and she will actually become more attracted to you.

5. If this doesn't show progress inside of 2-3 weeks, dump her without a second thought.

ETA, after reading about her history of molestation, RUN! DUMP HER NOW!!!! It's not going to get better. You are not the one who broke her. You are not going to be able to fix her. She is never going to really want to f&%k you. Breaking up with her now will not send her into a downward spiral and will save her pain in the long run.
RUN NOW!!!!

Not once in this thread have you mentioned anything about her that makes you happy other than the way she looks. In fact, it's been quite the opposite and, if I had to guess, pretty damn freeing to get it all off your chest.

You already know what you have to do, man. You seem to just be looking for confirmation of your thoughts.

She’s damaged bro. You’re not going to fix her. She needs to see a professional and work through some stuff

Be glad you’re free and clear to gtfo. I lot of guys aren’t so lucky and find themselves in this shite with multiple children in the mix.

Sound like you know in your heart and in your head what you need to do. If there is no future for you guys then the relationship isn’t worth the work. You can get attention and sex without all the drama.

I’d recommend focusing on yourself. Ditch the girlfriend. Worry about grad school and saving money. At your age without kids and a spouse you should be having the time of your life, not worrying about all this other shite with a girl that doesn’t really have much going for her other than her looks (which will fade).

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You weren’t wrong for not walking away. The heart/penis wants what it wants.

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A

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I REALLY contemplated ending things, but I wanted to give it another shot.

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You must have really outkicked your coverage, because you are holding on to this hopeless situation like a tick on a dog.

Repeat after me... If it's this bad now, it will be much worse when you are in a committed long term relationship.

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REALLY contemplated ending things, but I wanted to give it another shot.

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Save your time and end it now. You shouldn’t be unhappy in the beginning of a relationship.

You deserve to be happy too. A healthy physically sexual relationship is just as important as an emotionally one is if you ask me. Why waste anymore of your time with her trying to fix the relationship if she’s not willing to make sacrifices on her end?